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I feel so guilty.

Weemerseymac

New member
Nov 7, 2018
5
My Mum (89yoa) who has Alzheimer's has just (yesterday) gone into a fabulous new care home. I feel so guilty as I promised her and my (recently deceased) Dad I'd live with and look after her as long as possible. I have one older sibling who lives 250+ miles away so it's mostly been left to me to do the caring 24/7. Mum has had a 'companion' for 2hrs a day Mon-Thurs since before I moved in to care for her 18months ago. I have coped, just, until last weekend when my Mum and I were both ill with really bad colds. I was up with Mum 6 times in the night on Sat/Sun so sleep deprived as well as feeling really rotten.
Took Mum, with her agreement, to visit the home on Tuesday, she liked it but was reticent to agree to moving in. Later she agreed to give it a try. She had an assessment done Wednesday and went in yesterday (Thursday) for a 'few weeks'. Im hoping she settles as want it to be a permanent placement for her. It all happened so quickly, out of necessity, and I feel so guilty as she didn't think she was 'ready' to move into a home.
I know it's all very new and raw but I feel awful that I could no longer cope with her. 😢
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,137
But you have kept your promise to her. Your promise was to look after her for 'as long as you could' - and you did that.

A person with dementia would never believe they were ready for a care home - especially if they were being looked after by their lovely daughter at home. But the time comes when one person, however willing, cannot realistically carry on. The CH have a team of experienced dedicated carers, and you can now visit her as her daughter rather than her exhausted carer.

I hope it all works out well for you both. My mother has been in a CH for two years and she is very content there.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,685
Kent
When the main carer becomes ill, it really brings the responsibilities to the fore @Weemerseymac

Please don`t feel guilty. Promises made can rarely be kept. It was fortunate only colds, however bad, brought things to a head. If you`d had an illness which had kept you bedridden what would your mum have done then?
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
55
Sounds like you've done an amazing job. You can now spend some quality time with her when you visit and know that she's safe. It sounds as if she knew it was the right thing to do.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
Well I am applauding you as there is no way I could care for Aged Mother or Dad 24/7!
“The guilt monkey on my shoulder” grew & grew until it became close to destroying not only myself, but my marriage & family.
so now I keep said “monkey “ locked away - yes it escapes from time to time & nips when least expected.... but it’s smaller than it was & I am learning to manage it & hopefully rehoming it back into the ether one day !
like adopting (sponsoring) a wild animal I hope to be able to dip in & rationalise that I’m doing my bit ...
it’s the only way I can explain this whole messed up emotion of guilt!
(((Hugs)))
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
413
I promised my mum that she would never go into a home and like you have broken that promise - but knowing that she is safe and well cared for is starting to overtake the feeling of guilt. I hope that your Mum settles
 

Wakky

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
44
My Mum (89yoa) who has Alzheimer's has just (yesterday) gone into a fabulous new care home. I feel so guilty as I promised her and my (recently deceased) Dad I'd live with and look after her as long as possible. I have one older sibling who lives 250+ miles away so it's mostly been left to me to do the caring 24/7. Mum has had a 'companion' for 2hrs a day Mon-Thurs since before I moved in to care for her 18months ago. I have coped, just, until last weekend when my Mum and I were both ill with really bad colds. I was up with Mum 6 times in the night on Sat/Sun so sleep deprived as well as feeling really rotten.
Took Mum, with her agreement, to visit the home on Tuesday, she liked it but was reticent to agree to moving in. Later she agreed to give it a try. She had an assessment done Wednesday and went in yesterday (Thursday) for a 'few weeks'. Im hoping she settles as want it to be a permanent placement for her. It all happened so quickly, out of necessity, and I feel so guilty as she didn't think she was 'ready' to move into a home.
I know it's all very new and raw but I feel awful that I could no longer cope with her. 😢
But you did keep your promise, you looked after her as long as you could and in fact, in finding her a place where she is safe and cared for - you are still looking after her. Don't feel guilty - there are always "what ifs" and something to beat ourselves up about. xx