I feel so guilty but I've had enough

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by cerridwen, Apr 12, 2015.

  1. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,474
    Radcliffe on Trent
    And isn't there a 12-week disregard on the property as well? That might help a bit.
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,113
    Female
    South coast
    I believe you are right - I had forgotten that.
     
  3. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    I guess a potential shortfall of £360 pw in the not-so-distant future is something they are not prepared to consider at this stage, without exploring the other options available.

    Have you looked at other CHs which do take residents at closer to the LA rate?
     
  4. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    160
    My Mum's going to be the same in the future and this is what I hate, the knowing that you will have to fight SS in the future because it's all about money for them. It's so unfair, I think we have a stressful enough time of it already, really don't need the extra from SS.
     
  5. cerridwen

    cerridwen Registered User

    Dec 29, 2012
    99
    Gloucestershire
    I agree, Summerheather, having to fight to get the care our folks deserve is stressful, especially when the illness is so stressful to deal with anyway.

    Latest update - my Dad unwell, been breathless and light headed for a week or so with pains in his legs. GP called this evening to say Dad's blood test results show he is very anaemic, so he has urgent appointment tomorrow for a transfusion at the surgery. GP said he may admit him to hospital for tests. And I am supposed to be out of the UK from next Weds working until 16 May..........trying not to panic. I can't leave Dad in the lurch.
    Very worried about him. Never rains but it pours:(
    xx
     
  6. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,619
    USA
    But you're not leaving him in the lurch. You saw he was unwell and presumably made sure he got to the doctor, or the doctor got to him, because I assume those blood tests weren't just done by the fairies!!!
     
  7. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,619
    USA
    I didn't mean to be flippant and upset you, so I apologise if I did so. I just meant to try not to beat yourself up. It's clear you care very much for your dad and of course you're worried about him.
     
  8. cerridwen

    cerridwen Registered User

    Dec 29, 2012
    99
    Gloucestershire
    No Amy, you didn't upset me. I am trying to keep my sense of humour:) Yes, he has deteriorated recently so I did get on the case quickly. I am trying to do my best, as we all are.
    Just have to keep going........
     
  9. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,619
    USA
    It is good to keep your sense of humour (humor to us Yanks) if you can, but some days it's hard, and some days it's pretty bleak humour!

    I hope you'll come back with an update on your dad, when you know more.

    As I've been told many times, take it one day at a time, and one step at a time...excellent advice, easy to say, and difficult (for me) to do!
     
  10. Zuzu72

    Zuzu72 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    19
    Feeling your pain

    You haven't let anyone down, am in a similar situation & it seems it's always one step forward, two back. By the time you've finished doing everything for the other person, there's no energy for you. But you have a right to a life too & I hope that both you and I have the drive to grab that life before too much of it is gone. The one thing I'm beginning to realise about being a carer is that if you don't look after you, no one else will. I'm still waiting for my courage to stand up for myself, I hope you've found yours.

     
  11. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Your courage is evident in the honesty of your post. Believe in yourself and be proud of yourself. *hug*
     
  12. rea123

    rea123 Registered User

    Mar 30, 2015
    37
    guilt.... you should only feel guilt if u are guilty.... and you are not...so for your own sanity let it go... none of us are sitting here polishing our halos and flapping our wings... the person who suggested the hysterical email would be my response... infact be hysterical to anyone who can and should be doing their bit...because at this rate they will need to be looking after the both of you...suggest that you will be saving them money in the long run if they only have one person to care for...
    so heres wishing you all the love and luck in the world with your crusade ... do not feel alone we are all with you x
     
  13. FozzyC

    FozzyC Registered User

    Aug 3, 2014
    53
    Staffordshire
    Hi, think it was my hysterical voicemail, but email, phone, text or whatever works for you!

    Loathed to say things are getting better, it's been uphill struggle and like Snakes and Ladders I'm sure they'll be ups and downs, but shouting for help and stepping back for own sanity seem to have yielded some improvements.

    Stay strong, if you care for your own wellbeing you'll be better able to help your dad and maybe get back to a more normal parent/child relationship? Am I weird to appreciate they now seem to be worrying about my wellbeing and life?

    Hope things move forward in positive way. Xxx
     
  14. cerridwen

    cerridwen Registered User

    Dec 29, 2012
    99
    Gloucestershire
    Thanks everyone, your advice and support makes matters better. It seems that we are all in the same river, if not the same boat and you won't believe how much comfort that gives me that I am not alone.
    I am in a real pickle. I am supposed to be going off to the U.S. next week on business, then a short holiday, back 17 May. I have arranged a months worth of respite for Dad so I can get a complete break, even when I return from the U.S. however GP says Dads condition is serious and he is poorly, even though he doesn't know at this point what is causing it. We may know more on Friday so I might be able to make a decision on whether I can go away or not. It's so stressful and I can't think straight. I don't want to go away if he is really poorly (mum died when I was on holiday last year because she didn't tell me she was so ill) but I so desperately need a break because I feel unwell. I have to get the respite, I just have to but I feel bad for going away. GP says its a difficult decision and he will know more Fri. Whichever decision I make, none of them are pleasant. Really fed up and worried about Dad. I wouldn't want anything to happen to him if I was away. I couldn't go through that again. X
     
  15. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,619
    USA
    Oh, cerridwen, that's truly awful about your mum and I am so sorry. No wonder you are so concerned about leaving the country. I hope that the doctors can give you enough information to make the best decision you possibly can. I hear you that none of the options seem good right now. I hope you'll be able to get to, if not the best option, then maybe the least worst option. I should think you would feel at the end of your rope. Ugh. I'm really sorry.

    Keep us posted.
     
  16. FozzyC

    FozzyC Registered User

    Aug 3, 2014
    53
    Staffordshire
    Sorry, sorry your dad is poorly and I hope GP can shed more light, sorry you feel torn, but I do feel you need your trip away if it can be managed. If you can get care in place that can deal with issues, and your dads condition allows, I think this will do you good and give you strength to carry on.

    I appreciate experience with your mom makes this harder. But try to see that this is a different situation. Xx
     
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,113
    Female
    South coast
    What an awful decision to have to make :(
    Thinking of you oday and hoping you can get the information that you need.
    (((hugs)))
     
  18. SisterAct

    SisterAct Registered User

    Thinking of you both today.xx
     
  19. SueShell

    SueShell Registered User

    Sep 13, 2012
    395
    Orpington
    Been there, done it and got the tee shirt! Do not feel guilty! I too was sole carer and in the end the whole situation caused me to have a nervous breakdown. Mum was admitted to hospital and when it came to her discharge home I broke down on the phone in a right state and the SW admitted her to a nursing home on respite. She's now been there 4 months and I'm now waiting for her case to go to panel for permanent placement. I simply could not cope anymore.

    What I'm trying to say is we all do our very best, but there comes a time when our own health and wellbeing suffers, and although its not a nice thought for a loved one to go into care, they have the time, facilities and equipment to care far better than we can. Don't beat yourself up, we've all been there, but sometimes you have to admit defeat, get SS involved, and take care of yourself. You will still feel guilty but your Dad will get 24 hour care and you will feel so much better having the pressure taken off you. Big virtual hug, Sue xx
     
  20. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    get a break

    Carridwen, there is another option. Can you take sick leave? A month of full rest maybe exactly what you need. You need respite as much as your dad. Then you can focus on being his daughter again instead of being his carer.

    You have been there through thick and thin love. Take care of you too and try not to feel guilty. With 24hr care your dad may stabilise.

    love quilty
     

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