1. Its crazy i know how life around me is, You know the genral grind work, go shopping the usual. But today i feel really really down and i would pay a million pound now just to pick up the phone and talk to mum about how im feeling. Leanne's off out tonight with the girls for a night out and i have the girls and i just feel like im alone in the universe while everyone is out partying im here stewing in my emotions and memories. Why do i feel so bad ??? I could cry my eyes out now.Im soft i know but i cant get away with this overwhelming feeling of mums illness in my mind all the time. Ive been feeling really low about myself too hating my appearance feeling ugly and horrible i often look into the mirror hating myself.I have two sell out shows next week in Leeds and Brighton and im dreading it. Am i going mad ???? I dont know one day i feel better the next my world falling apart.

  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Mark

    No, I don't think you're going mad, I think you're very depressed. Have you seen your doctor recently? Perhaps you need a change of medication.

    You've no reason to be miserable, have you? Your tour is going so well, so your financial problems should be sorted. Your mum is out of hospital, and you've seen her recently, so there's nothing to worry about there. And you're not ugly and horrible, otherwise people wouldn't pay to come and see you perform.

    Now, why not do something with those lovely girls of yours? Take them for a walk to the park, get out some board games or colouring books, and talk to them. I guarantee you won't feel lonely for long!

    I know you're not well, but you have so much going for you at the moment. Make the most of it.
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Mark,
    So understand the "one day I'm feeling better the next I am falling apart" - on the bad days you just have to hang on to the knowledge that a good day will come along - you know from experience that is what will happen.

    And the rest of the world partying - know that one too. But Mark, there are lots of us sitting on our own tonight, or with kids, or caring for someone - you definitely are not on your own.

    Take care Mark.
    Love Helen
  4. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    Dear Mark,
    I know just how you feel, because I miss my Mum too and I'd love to pick up the phone and have a chat with her. She died six weeks ago and was in a Nursing Home for eighteen months and didn't always recognise me as her daughter.
    Now she has gone, I'm remembering all the good times we had together before she became ill and the memories of her as a little old lady, frail and chairbound are beginning to receed a little.
    I don't think we can ever get over our loved ones having such a dreadful illness, but time does heal to a certain extent and in the future as we look back, things might not seem quite so bad.
    I've been feeling very low too, but I had a long talk with the Pastor at my Church and that has helped me a lot. If you are feeling very depressed, your GP might be able to arrange for you to see a Counsellor, who could help you by talking through your problems with you.
    Take care of yourself and try to look on the brighter side of life if possible.
  5. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    No, I don't think you're going mad, I think you're very depressed. Have you seen your doctor recently? Perhaps you need a change of medication.

    Dear Mark,
    I agree with Hazel. Time to up the meds. perhaps? Just because they were working doesn't mean they will go on working - you might need a higher dose now. Or you could need something else - have you tried therapy? It is often very helpful, especially (IMHO!) in conjunction with meds.

    I know that awful feeling of being desperately miserable even though there things are going well. In your case, your Mum's illness is an over riding factor which negates all the other good things happening for you.

    But for us "true depressives" :rolleyes: (I think you are one of this lot - I know I am!) it doesn't matter HOW good things are, we can still feel down and out desperate and miserable. This is one reason I believe in the idea that it is a malfunction in our brain that (partly) causes depression. I know it is more complex than that, but I truly believe that it is part of it.

    So my friend, time to see the doc. again, I think. DO NOT put it off!! (Promise me?? ;) ) We all want you to be feeling better when you do those sell out shows.
    Also, we want you feeling better, just for yourself, and for those beautiful girls (big and little) in your life. OK??!!! :)
  6. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Mark

    I haven't been on here for long, don't know your story, but am interested in your two sell-out shows, presume you are a musician, and I just love musicians. Isn't it hard work to keep up appearances? You have to go on stage and act as if everything is bloody fantastic?

    Tell me a bit about yourself. You know you are a person, too. You have to keep that alive. I'd be interested to know about your music life.

    You know, we all have our own lives, and mustn't lose track of that. It sounds as though you can't be bothered keeping yours going, and I know that feeling. I'm a university lecturer (hey thats a bit like a performer, we are on stage all the time, too), and I can't be bothered helping the students at the moment, but I know I must cos I will lose my self esteem if I don't, and that is not something I want to do. You must think the same about your audience and fans.

    BUT, I am getting to the same point as you, that I REALLY can't be bothered. Wonder when we give up? No, it is not giving up, it is accepting our situation and accepting reality. Maybe you are coming to that, I don't know.

    As said, I don't know your situation, the thread doesn't tell me, so let me know.

    Hope I can help. People who are not performers don't understand the energy that has to go into a performance, whether it is a musician, an actor, or a lecturer - we are all on show to our audience, and sometimes it is hard work. A student said to me last term, when my mum was going through a bad time, "it was clear that you were lacking in concentration". Spot on, I was. Perhaps I should have taken six months off. I don't know. But I struggled on, and didn't do the good job that I wanted to do. That I knew I could and should do.

    No answers, pal, but do your best and don't crucify yourself if you don't.

    Much love

  7. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Hi Mark

    I am at the opposite end of the spectrum from "true depressives" but 18 month ago I hit the buffers and became depressed and was rescued by medication. I always believed that depressives were attention seakers and should get on with life - boy was I wrong. I found depression the most debilitating (both physically and mentally) of any illness I have sufferd from in my life and now sympathise with anyone who has any degree of depression.

    Others who understand you problem better than me have given their advice, I hope you soon see light at the end of the tunnel Mark.


    P.S. I am half way through my third attempt to come of meds and I am feeling quietly optimistic this time.
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    Dear Dick,

    On behalf of all of us "true depressives" :) THANK YOU for your statement above!

    So many people who do not suffer from depression cannot understand the illness at all. In fact, I find it very difficult to understand when I'm in a good period myself.

    It makes sense for people to be depressed when there is a bad occurrence in their life but for some of us (the "true depressives" as I call us), things can be FINE and suddenly we are hit with a massive downturn.

    You learn to watch for the possible triggers (stress and over tiredness in my case) but you can't always avoid these.

    I'm SO glad your meds. have worked well for you (we are the lucky ones - for some poor people the meds. don't work). I wish you every success in coming off them.
  9. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Mark

    In the scheme of things, Hazel is quite right, you have sooooo much to look forward to............. enjoy your girls, in a heart beat they will be out partying soon too:)

    Hi Dick

    Good luck with coming off the meds, I've got another couple of months (according to the doc) to when I can start reducing the dose, working towards stopping them. Frightening thought hey, on my good days I think I dont need these, and on bad days, well thank God after 3 attempts the doc found one that worked for me too.

    Fingers crossed for you.

    Cate xx

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