1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

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I feel like ive lost my mum....

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by babyface, Jul 19, 2007.

  1. babyface

    babyface Registered User

    Apr 30, 2007
    16
    Nottingham
    #1 babyface, Jul 19, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2007
    Hi everyone!:(

    I went to the hospital yesterday for a review.My mum has now been in there for 5 months.It has all been quiet a shock, as mum was at my house at christmas & had started to become confused but she could still talk.I didnt know then that it would be the last time my mum would speak to me or show me any affection.I feel like i never got the chance to say goodbye & to savour those last moments together.I live about a 100miles away from mum,so dad would normally bring her to visit us every 2 or 3 months.She used to love making a fuss of her grandchildren & i loved making a fuss of her.Well after christmas she never came again.In february she was placed in a care home & a week later was removed from there & taken to a mental hospital.She had become a bit aggresive when been given a bath & the home couldnt cope.I had been speaking to dad every day & it never really sank in she was this poorly,i started to feel really anxious & frightened about seeing my poor mum.

    It was mothers day when i went to see her,armed with flowers & cards & gifts from the kids.As i walked up the coridor i had no idea what to expect. My mum was the first person i saw when i opened the doors.She looked so frail & gaunt,& was just pacing up & down the coridors.I walked up to her smiling "happy mothers day mum"mum just looked straight through me as if i wasnt there.It was then i realised id lost her....over the weeks when i went to visit she would let me walk with her up & down the coridors,i could at least hold her hand & feel her touch even if there were no words.I was sure she knew who i was.

    I havent been to the hospital since may when we had the last meeting.The doctors concluded that my mum is in the moderate to severe stages of alzheimers disease.She is too far gone for any ad drugs & they are giving her tranqualisers to keep her calm.Mum is also doubly incontinent.Im afraid she doesnt even know me anymore.Yesterday she wouldnt let me hold her hand & just kept walking away from me,there wasnt any recognision at all.She also looks very out of it with the tranqualisers.My 5 yr old daughter made a card for her,it said "i love you grandma"she wouldnt let me give it her.My daughter asked if grandma liked her card,& i told her it was on her shelf so she could look at it.she misses her soo much.

    Im feeling so sad since yesterday & i cant get things out of my head.When i go to bed i try to think of mum smiling how she was,but all i can see is a ghost like figure with no soul & nothing behind those eyes.

    I miss my mum & my best friend.She had the warmest smile & THE BIGGEST HEART.


    Im so sorry for this miserable post,but its helped to get it all out.

    Love Babyface.xx
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,729
    Kent
    I am so sorry.

    It seems as if this condition is moving very quickly with your mum. With some it is a slow decline, with others a rapid decline, and no-one seems to be able to say why.

    I think it`s much harder when you live a distance away and are not able to visit as often as you`d like.

    It`s like when you don`t see children for a while, you notice how they`ve grown. When you see them every day, you don`t notice it as much.

    It`s similar with dementia. When you are living with it every day, it`s a steady decline, slow or rapid, but steady.When you don`t see what`s happening for a while, it`s a shock.

    Dear babyface. You may feel you`ve lost your mum, but she hasn`t lost you.

    I hope you will still feel able to visit her. Even if she seems to reject you, no-one really knows what she sees, or how she feels.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Babyface

    I can understand how upsetting this is for you. As Sylvia says, it's a very sudden decline. We all know that that can happen with AD, but it must have been such a shock for you when you saw her.

    All you can do is try to spend as much time as possible with your mum. I know you don't live nearby, and it's difficult as you have young children, but your mum needs your support, and your dad does too. He must be suffering terribly.

    Your mum is still there, even though it doesn't seem so at times, and the more often you visit the more likely she is to remember you. If she sees you as a stranger, she will probably find you frightening.

    It's a hard thing to do, but try to do it for your mum and dad. And try to let your dad talk to you about his feelings. I know you ring him regularly, but if the two of you can just sit down together now and then and express your emotions, it will bring you so close together. That will be such a help to him when the worst happens.

    Don't apologise for your post, we can only help if we know how you are feeling. Post again, whanever you like.

    Love,
     
  4. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Dear Babyface
    Keep looking. Mum is still there - trapped, maybe lonely and frightened - she needs you. I'm sorry, but it is no good wishing for things to be as they were. Mum needs your love as she is now. I know it is so hard, it hurts so much, but you can do it. I know how you miss her, how you long for her to be there for you - the hurt wont go away, I cant say it will get any easier - just love your mum as best you can.

    Love Helen
     
  5. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    I used to visit my Mum several times a week and sometimes she didn't to be sure who I was, or thought that I was her sister. Other times she was completely different and was quite bright and lively, remembering things from years back and chatting almost normally.
    I think that many of the problems are with communication and the dementia makes it hard for the person to say what they are thinking. Sometimes Mum would say the strangest things, but when we thought about it, she was actually trying to say something sensible although the words came out in the wrong way.
    I'm sure Mum was very sensitive to my mood and understood how I was feeling, even if she wasn't taking part in an ordinary conversation.
    Just try to enjoy your Mum while she is still with you, as I'm finding that I miss my Mum more and more as I remember all the good times we had together.
    Kayla
     
  6. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Babyface

    How distressing for you. My mum has gone rapidly downhill in weeks, but she still knows who I am and her grandchildren (who are both adults now). How awful to see the blank face, but I am afraid this is how it is with these mental illneses, and we can only do our best, make sure our loved ones are comfortable and not unhappy, it is one of life's burdens.

    Take heart that you are doing your best for your mum.

    Much love

    Margaret
     
  7. nicetotalk

    nicetotalk Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    155
    stretford
    Hi Babyface

    ive just read your post and iam so sorry to hear about your mum they say alzhiemers is a like a long bereavement thats true. It is sad i know my mum was the same she was like that for 4 years. She did not talk or anything it is so difficult and you are bound to feel like that this is just a cruel illness. You take care of yourself and family and just carry on showing your mum how much you love her.
    kathy
     
  8. Hi Baby Face

    Ive just read your post. I feel exactly the same my mum is also in a home and i visited wednesday with my daughters and my fiancé and my sister. Everytime i go and see her its like being told for the first time mum is ill, As my girls walked up to her mum just stared at them but in a previous post i left on here mum tried her best to pick Georgia up and put her on her knee. I feel that sometimes my mum is dead but then i think somewere in their mum must be there. As ive said previously in posts its the worst thing that can happen to someone i know people get ill and things . But my view is if a member of your family dies you grieve and i suppose you get used to not having them around. But with this they die in front of you and you miss them yet you can still touch and see them, Its like a torture for all involved i think there should be some kind of help for family members to help them grieve. All the questions you ask yourself like why my mum ? things like that for me i get the question My Mums only 52 its not right, But i guess life is cruel but as people tell me there are good days and bad. And i hope you get them good days again.

    One again

    Babyface im so sorry.
    And if you ever need some one to talk to im here

    Take Care

    Mark
     
  9. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,990
    Toronto, Canada
    Hi Babyface,

    I would like to know how the doctors came to the decision "She is too far gone for any ad drugs". My mother is in the severe stage and she is still on AD drugs. She is doubly incontinent, in a wheelchair and doesn't make any sense when she does speak. Just tranquilizers is not enough for your mother. That simply will slow her down without doing anything about the anger and/or frustration and/or confusion she may be experiencing. Actually some sedative drugs will make things worse.

    So perhaps your father can have a consultation regarding her medications. It would be helpful (in my opinion) if as many of the family members could attend. It shows the medical staff this is a determined family that really cares plus different people bring up different points, which is all to the good.

    You should also look into another care home, once her aggression is properly addressed. Hospitals are not good places for dementia patients - too much change in personnel etc. You have to keep steady, pleasant, persistent pressure on. Always with a smile, too.

    Keep us informed.

    Joanne
     
  10. babyface

    babyface Registered User

    Apr 30, 2007
    16
    Nottingham
    Dear Mark
    Could i ask how old your kids are & how they are when they see your mum? Mine are 5 & 3yrs old.They are always asking when they will see grandma & its really hard to explain.I just told them that she is really poorly & she wouldnt want them to be sad if they saw her like she is.I keep reasuring them that she still loves them,& she knows they love her too.
     
  11. Hi Baby Face

    Well My twins are 2 now but they talk alot al Georgie says is Mama Gill is sad. It really hurts me even thought the girls dont really understand. I must ask you use the term "Poorly" are you from Derbyshire as thats were i first heard it


    Take Care

    Mark
     
  12. babyface

    babyface Registered User

    Apr 30, 2007
    16
    Nottingham
    Hi Mark
    Im originaly fron leeds but live in nottingham now.
    Good luck with your show!

    Take care.
    Babyface
     
  13. dolly gee

    dolly gee Registered User

    Mar 9, 2007
    47
    merseyside
    babyface i agree with Helen your mum needs you more than you know i went through the same with my mum but we could see a Little bit of life in her eyes god bless keep in touch dolly gee
     
  14. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Babyface
    I know this is heartbreaking for you I have not reached the stage were mum doesn't recognise me, but, she doesn't know quite where I fit into the picture, she introduces me as her mum most times. Sadly, they do forget us, but, thankfully we always know who they are. She will always be your mum nothing can change that. Just continue on with your love and kindness, she is worth it. Take Care. Taffy.
     
  15. babyface

    babyface Registered User

    Apr 30, 2007
    16
    Nottingham
    I wanted to thank you all for your kind support.Until i found this site i felt so alone.When mum went into hospital i couldnt cope with life anymore & didnt see the point.I took some time of work & have since been on medication.I know i have to stop dwelling on the past & be strong for mum.I will be there for her no mater how painful because i love her,shes my mum.Its a big comfort knowing i can talk to people who understand,i must have been awful to live with these past months!

    A BIG HUG FOR ALL OF YOU!

    Babyface.xx
     
  16. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    And {{{BIG HUGS}}} for you, Babyface! TP is always here for you - and we know pretty much what you are going through. Hang in there - sounds like you are coping better than you realise. This terrible disease takes an awful toll on everyone it touches. Sending you good wishes for strength and for peace of mind.
     
  17. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    And a HUGE hug for you, Babyface. You're sounding so much more positive, and that's great.

    Post again whenever you want to, we're always here for you.

    Love,
     
  18. sue k

    sue k Registered User

    Jun 26, 2007
    140
    warrington cheshire
    dear babyface

    my dads alzheimers had declined rapidly since september , hes in a nursing home now. i visit him twice a week, never quite know what im going to be walking into.
    Some days dads face lights up and he greets me with "hello love", and other times he looks at me as though hes never seen me in his life and that breaks my heart.
    Yesterday i went to see him, i put on my happy smiley face and brace myself and what did i find ?.............. Dad rummaging through the bins, he didnt know me and had no idea what he was doing .
    It wasnt a wonderful visit , he was irritable and it was as though my voice was annoying him , so i said my goodbyes sat in my car and cried yet again, i cried for the sadness of what my dad's life has become , i cried for the loss of my dad as he was, i cried out of frustration because there isnt a damm thing i can do !!!!!!!!!!!
     
  19. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Sue

    So sorry you had such a distressing visit. Can't do anything to make it better, just sending you a huge {{{HUG}}}

    Love,
     
  20. sue k

    sue k Registered User

    Jun 26, 2007
    140
    warrington cheshire
    thanks Hazel

    its nice to be among people who understand it really does help xx
     

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