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I feel like I'm grieving but he's still alive

Mazbeau

New member
Jul 8, 2020
2
Hi I am new to this my hubby 50 yrs was recently sectioned to a mental assessment centre and is going into a home tomorrow he started with all of this only 3 months ago before that he was normal, driving going shopping it seems to come on very suddenly he got violent to me it was so awful now he hardly recognises me thinks I'm his mum I feel like I'm grieving but he's still alive is thus normal and how gave others coped
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,997
Bristol
Welcome to the forum, Mazbeau. Sorry you have had to deal with so much in such a short time, but you have come to a friendly place where we understand. What you describe is usually referred to as anticipatory grief and it is so hard I have needed counselling.
 
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Mazbeau

New member
Jul 8, 2020
2
Welcome to the forum, Mazbeau. Sorry you have had to deal with so much in such a short time, but you have come to a friendly place where we understand. What you describe is usually referred to as anticipatory grief and it is so hard I have needed counselling.
Will this get better he has now gone into a dementia home not sure if this is better or worse
Its nearer home but not allowed to visit for 14days that means not seen him since 6th may it's so cruel
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
486
Hi I am new to this my hubby 50 yrs was recently sectioned to a mental assessment centre and is going into a home tomorrow he started with all of this only 3 months ago before that he was normal, driving going shopping it seems to come on very suddenly he got violent to me it was so awful now he hardly recognises me thinks I'm his mum I feel like I'm grieving but he's still alive is thus normal and how gave others coped
You are quite " normal " in feeling as you do. That overwhelming sense of helplessness and vulnerability will be a familiar one to all those who are confronted with the situation you describe. If you can draw in a long deep breath and take things day to day - assessment, the role played by the Care Home and the nature of a proper care plan et al - and allow yourself moments to actually release your feelings and not feel in any way ' abnormal ', then it is possible to relate to the new ' relationship ' as it moves along. As many will know and confirm on here, the dementia pathway is without question one of the most demanding and misunderstood challenges in a person's life and those who live alongside it - husbands, wives, sons and daughters - equally so, but on the opposite side of the dementia coin. The great beauty of this forum is that you hear from those who have lived the pathway and survived and in so doing can shed positive light on a dark place. And what is still an unanswered question fundamentally ( l don't refer to clinical developments nor clinical research) is addressed from the heart and actual ongoing events and situations as they arise.

You are quite normal. There are some remarkable people on here who inspire and often simply amaze in their strength and their humanity. They will happily engage with your own story as those who happily engaged with their own.

With warmest wishes.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
505
Your feelings are totally normal when a loved one goes into a care home, particularly when it happens so soon after diagnosis. We had several years to plan and prepare for Mums gradual deterioration but you have only had a few weeks to adjust. It will be a while before you get used to the changes.

The situation at the moment re visiting is awful, some care homes went into lockdown early in March and are still not allowing visitors. Mum went into hospital on March 22nd and was then discharged to a care home at the end of April. We have just had our first visit last week, over three months since we last saw her!

I feel as if I am grieving for my mum at the moment as we are trying to clear her house ready to rent it out - getting rid of all her possessions while she is still alive seems so wrong.
 

Abbey82

Registered User
Jun 12, 2018
91
Hi Mazbeau, you're not alone, we experienced a similar situation with my Dad (aged 58) FTD and Alzheimers being rapid onset. He was also sectioned, well 3 times in fact, the most recent was 2 weeks ago. He had been in a home for 6 months and then things change again. Its difficult but we all have to come together to support each other
 

Sarah1208

Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
46
Hi I am new to this my hubby 50 yrs was recently sectioned to a mental assessment centre and is going into a home tomorrow he started with all of this only 3 months ago before that he was normal, driving going shopping it seems to come on very suddenly he got violent to me it was so awful now he hardly recognises me thinks I'm his mum I feel like I'm grieving but he's still alive is thus normal and how gave others coped
You will find this site so helpful. My mum went into a home 6 weeks ago and I am certainly feeling the pain of grieving. The support on here has truly got me through these 6 weeks. However supportive friends and family are the only people that really understand are people that are going through it or have been through it. And knowing that someone “gets it” is sometimes all you need.