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I feel like I can't do this anymore

Too much

New member
Dec 18, 2019
3
I have cared for my mother for four years now. She just turned 70. I'm so conflicted with what to do. I'm also the mother of a teenager a single parent. I struggle with my feelings of how to take care of her the best way I can and still take care of myself and my son. My mom has frontal lobe dementia which effects her behaviors more than anything else. It's gotten to the point now where she is starting to forget more things. She will start going to daycare fulltime again after the holidays. I had to quit my job to stay at home and take care of her. I was working a fulltime job ,taking care of my mother ,my son, and everything. My siblings help out when they can and that I'm thankful for. My mother paces constantly. I bought her a weighted blanket that works sometimes. She repeats herself constantly and is in my business non stop, I can't think, I can't concentrate because she is always either making noises or constantly into something. The talking is the thing that drives me insane. I can take care of all of the other things. I'm 43 and I feel like I'm trapped. I feel guilt of thoughts that I have of placing her in a home but I want to have a life. I've been divorced now for 4 years and have been taking care of my mother for 4 years. I never got a break to deal with my own situation before I had to start caring for her. Most days I just want someone to lock me up somewhere just so I can have some peace and quiet and that doesn't seem to come.
 

Andrew_McP

Registered User
Mar 2, 2016
249
South Northwest
I don't have anything really useful to say, but I don't like to see someone struggling go unanswered as night sets in. I will say that I hugely admire anyone with both childcare (albeit an older child) and dementia care to juggle. I barely manage to keep my mother and I on the straight and narrow, and I only have her dog as an extra commitment!

Be proud of what you're trying to do, but also be aware that you clearly need more support. We can offer a voice in the dark to bounce ideas off and maybe give a little comfort at times, but your mother is at a very demanding phase. It won't last, but it might last longer than you can cope with.

Good luck finding that extra support. Good night.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,322
66
Toronto, Canada
I think you should start looking into a home for your mother. You cannot go on the way you are and your son deserves a calmer home life also.

Of course you feel guilty and you will feel guilty. but you cannot allow a misplaced sense of duty ruin 3 lives. At least just start investigating things. It's best to do that sort of thing ahead of time, in my opinion. When there is a crisis, it's hard to think straight and make decisions.n. Kick that guilt monster off your shoulder.

Let us know what happens.
 

CLEMENTINA

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
18
I really feèl for you and all I can say is try to bring in as much help as you can. At first I didn't, and that was the worst phase. It felt like harder work getting help in than it was worth, for my husband with alzheimers, and I worried too it would feel intrusive, but it has saved me from breakdown. And I am constantly surprised by what he will accept in the way of care and company from others. The finance threads on this forum are useful. Now I am able to juggle between help at home, day centre, and residential respite breaks, and look after myself and spend more good time with the rest of my family, and to contemplate what I feel is inevitable now, not too long ahead, of full time care for him. I hope you can get this kind of help as I think it helps transition into care. Thinking of you. Clementina.
 

Too much

New member
Dec 18, 2019
3
I don't have anything really useful to say, but I don't like to see someone struggling go unanswered as night sets in. I will say that I hugely admire anyone with both childcare (albeit an older child) and dementia care to juggle. I barely manage to keep my mother and I on the straight and narrow, and I only have her dog as an extra commitment!

Be proud of what you're trying to do, but also be aware that you clearly need more support. We can offer a voice in the dark to bounce ideas off and maybe give a little comfort at times, but your mother is at a very demanding phase. It won't last, but it might last longer than you can cope with.

Good luck finding that extra support. Good night.

Thanks so much
I really feèl for you and all I can say is try to bring in as much help as you can. At first I didn't, and that was the worst phase. It felt like harder work getting help in than it was worth, for my husband with alzheimers, and I worried too it would feel intrusive, but it has saved me from breakdown. And I am constantly surprised by what he will accept in the way of care and company from others. The finance threads on this forum are useful. Now I am able to juggle between help at home, day centre, and residential respite breaks, and look after myself and spend more good time with the rest of my family, and to contemplate what I feel is inevitable now, not too long ahead, of full time care for him. I hope you can get this kind of help as I think it helps transition into care. Thinking of you. Clementina.
 

Too much

New member
Dec 18, 2019
3
Thanks so much for all your help!! I'll check into respite care as well. I'm going to try to hang in there but I'll start to look at places.