I feel like I’m a terrible person but don’t know what else to do

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Trekker, Jul 20, 2019.

  1. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Thank you @wonderfulmum xxx
     
  2. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    A brief update for those of you kind enough to offer me advice and encouragement in anticipation of a visit to my parents today. Just returned from the visit, now have feet up and rhubarb gin and tonic to hand, so can’t be all bad. Visit began with my father stating he had worked out why they had been moved to their nice extra care housing flat with carers three times a day, whom they push way - it is, as the priest told him as a child (he rejected religion as soon as he could) because when you sin you go to hell, so they must have done something terrible. All this said facetiously. I didn’t respond. My mother then said, ‘neither of us is worth anything anymore’, ‘I wish my father hadn’t told me you go to hell if you kill yourself, because I would, and I’m already in hell’. She also said it would be better if God had arranged it so that everyone died at a set age, so we would expect it, and she’d have a word with Him when she got there. So making a joke, I think. My only response was to ask her to sort it out with Him, for when it was my time, which made her smile. Spent the next hour making coffee, sorting laundry, cleaning smeared poo from various parts of bathroom, opening windows, chatting about nothing very much. Ended visit with hugs from both and not having been shouted at or blamed for everything they don’t like about their situation, so one of my better recent visits x
     
  3. Tattytatoes

    Tattytatoes New member

    Jul 21, 2019
    6
    Hi. Sorry I have absolutely no advice to give at all as I am sadly new to this as my dad is currently under investigation. But my heart breaks for you and you mustn’t put yourself down, you are doing the right thing by not taking your parents out and I think you are amazing to cope with all of this. Your parents are very lucky to have you
     
  4. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Thanks for your kind words @Tattytatoes I am sorry you are having to embark on this difficult journey. sometimes it feels like we’re barefoot and blindfolded and the road strewn with sharp obstacles, but something we find a way through, and the friendly support from each other on TP really helps, so ask away when you need help or just a listening ear x
     
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,293
    SW London
    How is her short term memory? I.e. would she later remember if you said 'I can't take you today/on Wedsney etc., but maybe on Saturday/next Tuesday?" And repeat (with variations) as needed.

    Maybe you've tried this and it doesn't work, if so my apologies. However it was how I handled my mother often wanting to go and visit her (long-dead) parents.

    In any case, you absolutely must not beat yourself up, or feel guilty or terrible.
    Sometimes (or I may say often!) there are situations with dementia where there simply are no easy answers at all, and whatever you do will end in the sort of outing-debacle you describe, or else the person ranting at you for not doing what they want.
     
  6. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Thanks so much for your advice @Witzend much appreciated. Her short term memory is about 3 minutes for most things but my dad remembers for longer but can’t understand what I’m trying to do when say ‘we’ll go next week’, and takes me literally. Even if he can't remember when Wednesday is he will think I have agreed that we will go shopping and keeps reminding my mother that I will soon take them shopping :( Having both of them affected, but at slightly different stages, brings its own challenges. Then again the above will work some days so always worth trying. Thank you x
     

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