I feel Jekyll and Hyde!

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Red66, Dec 15, 2016.

  1. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    363
    I feel like Jekyll and Hyde that should say! Dad died 14th August and it's our first Christmas without him , obviously! I have 2 little ones as many of you will already know, a 2 year old and a 4 year old. Yes, I have my handful, but they are a joy.

    I want to make this the best Christmas for those little guys, my 2 year old is a chatterbox and understands Christmas this year so it will be fun for both her and my 4 year old boy. One part of me is really looking forward to Christmas , my Dad would have loved it, just gutted he had to miss out. I am looking forward to playing Father Christmas and watching their little faces. Then there is the other side of me, I keep crying when I have time to think, I feel really upset about the time of year, missing my Dad, feel upset for Mum, I am with her as much a possible but she keeps saying she doesn't want to be a burden. Then she told me earlier today that she had a bad evening crying watching TV and then couldn't sleep most of the night as she was so upset. So you see, Jekyll and Hyde, that's me. Getting on my own nerves!! Wish I could switch off.
     
  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,093
    Toronto, Canada
    Red, my mother died the very same day as your father. Although I haven't any small children (3 very small grandchildren, 2 years and under), I am finding the pre-Christmas time quite difficult. My mother had been in care since 2001 and before that had lived 3,000 miles away from me since 1976, so it's not like I have recent Christmas memories. Still, we celebrated in ever-changing ways since 2001. At the end, we simply visited Christmas Day and fed Mum lunch.

    It is hard, very hard. There are even moments when I forget Mum has died. Those are very difficult indeed. But they say the firsts are always the most difficult and I expect that is true.

    Try to make the best of it as you can.
     
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,437
    Female
    Dundee
    Hi Red.

    I just wanted to say I partly know how you feel. I have no young children to care for but I lost my husband on 31st July and I know this Christmas will be hard. I have days that are not too bad and others when all I want to do is cry. I'm imagining Christmas itself will be hard.

    We'll all get through it somehow and I'm sure you'll make it a magical day for your wee ones.

    Take care.
     
  4. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Hi Red, and it's wonderful that you have your lovely children, because to me, Christmas with little ones is the best time, when they are still innocent, and don't care if their gift is cheap or expensive, often preferring the wrapping paper.

    Yes, it's going to be a hard time for you, but what would your Dad be saying to you? Sure, he'd want to be with you all, especially watching the joy on his grandchildren's faces, and he knows that it's difficult to be Jolly Ol' Santa, when you're worrying about your Mum, and missing your Dad so much.

    But, my goodness, how proud he must be of you. :) You're making plans, putting one foot in front of the other, and walking that damned hard path of the First Christmas without someone you love, and your Dad will be watching you, with pride, from his comfy armchair Up There.

    Wishing you strength xxx
     
  5. Ameliasmama

    Ameliasmama Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    44
    Oh Red, I feel like I could have written your post. My Dad passed in between Christmas and New Year last year. He'd spent the month prior in hospital so last Christmas, whilst he was still alive he wasn't at home neither, and it was tough because we knew it would be his last.

    So this is our first Christmas without him. Like you I have a little girl who's very almost 2 so she's kind of getting an understanding of the festivities this year but for the life of me I can't get excited about it. I go from 'this is going to be the best Christmas ever' planning a Christmas Day dinner fit for a king, buying gifts and making things with my little girl, to literally sitting sobbing on the sofa and wanting to forget about it all.

    But if I did that my dad would bloody haunt me! He loved Christmas, to him it was a time where we spent quality family time with all of us in the same house.

    So I'm somehow plodding on, for him and my little girl. We're doing things entirely different, yet still the same. I think my mum and brothers and sisters (who are 17&19) will struggle even more being at mum and dad's house. Well we all would, I've never not spent Christmas Day there. Even last year in between 3 hospital trips to make sure everybody saw Dad, their house was the 'base'. This year everybody is coming to my house. We'll all still be together, but I think little things such as not seeing someone else sat in dad's chair rather than on a garden chair will make it a little bit easier.

    Christmas is never going to be the same again, I'm hoping by doing things this way it'll make it a tiny bit easier to deal with and we can make new traditions instead, whilst still raising a glass or few to my dear old Dad xx
     
  6. Not-dead-yet

    Not-dead-yet Registered User

    Dec 16, 2016
    8
    I so sympathise with you. It is so hard. Try to think of the good times together. I just feel lucky to be alive (I have a heart condition). Life can be so hard sometimes, but you have a lovely family to enjoy. The ones we lose would want us to be happy.
     
  7. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    363
    Thank you everyone for your kind words and sharing your life stories. I feel guilty for feeling like this, but I know that's silly. I'm allowed to grieve and my Dad for sure would 'throttle' me for sulking, 'pull yourself together girl' or 'get out of it' he would say. I just wish he could see my precious children. He loved kids, he was so gentle and kind hearted. Here is to new traditions, I guess its time to make my own.
     
  8. Ameliasmama

    Ameliasmama Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    44
    I really don't want to sound patronising but your feelings echo mine so much. I want my dad here and I grieve that he's not, yet at the same time I try to carry on and do what he'd want me to do. Such a contradiction.

    Wishing you and your family as a happy a Christmas can be Red xx
     
  9. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    363
    Not patronising at all. It's how you feel pretty much same as me. Just wish it wasn't so hard eh?
     

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