I feel awful and need support - please

[Michele]

Hi,

Well we moved mum into the care home yesterday and I feel just awful.

Once again, I have hardly slept a wink, I feel so low.

The move went well, the care home is lovely. Some of the residents are lovely, but quite a few are a lot further on than mum. There is one lady who has taken mum under her wing, and she has been there since October last year - she is a bit older, but not as far gone as mum, and she talks for england - but she is lovely - which is good .

It was horrible leaving mum yesterday, they had to take her into the garden so me and my sister could leave - we didn't even say goodbye to her.

She kept saying that she wasn't staying there, and she was going home.

This wasn't our first choice of home, the best one has at least a 6 to 8 month waiting list, and the second one has a waiting list. We are on the top of the list for both these homes.

I just feel horrible. I hate the way I am feeling. I just feel like crying all the time.

xx

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Michele:
It is hard but once you feel your Mum is settled and feeling 'at home' then you will feel more content too. It will take some time.

It is important to remember that your Mum is there for her own wellbeing and safety and sadly this wretched illness has taken her independence. It may help if you can build up a relationship with the carers and staff as well as the other residents.

You will see on TP how others have experienced your sadness and many will understand how you feel.

Best wishes

 

[catbells]

Hi Michelle,
I had to move my Mum without her permission very quickly, reasoning and understanding gone before I realised how serious things where with her. I had to move her things out and into her new flat whilst a carer took her out. When the time came to show her her flat with the support of carers, no - she didn`t take it well. I was in a worse state than she was, I was absolutely heartbroken however, I too was advised to leave her without saying bye. Next day she welcomed me with open arms , we had missed each other, but then asked me to get the van again! This was repeated me giving the excuse the van man couldn`t mover her today. It took her about 10 days before she stopped asking me to get the van and take her back. Then the break through having said to a carer "well if Heather says I need to live here than it has to be". YES! I survived somehow, we both survived. My coping mechanism was that I had to do this for her own safely. She would now be safe, warm, eat proper meals and have carers around her. Not going to town on her own. Keep telling yourself you have done the right thing and this will help you. Now 7 months later, communication is going, not much conversation we sit and hold hands more now. No longer comes to the shop with me or visits my home. Each day I am thankful I made the decision I did 7 months ago. I can now have quality time with her without the worry. I visit every day and we have a cup of tea and cake, watch Deal & No Deal whilst holding hands. Lots of smiles, hugs and kisses.
Treat yourself to something each day, glass of wine, Thornton`s ice cream. You will start to feel better but it will take time, but don`t beat yourself up. You have both shown what loving and caring daughters you are by doing this.
Moving a parent into care is not a failure, but shows strength, compassion and love.
Take care
Heather x

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Hi Michelle, I'm so sorry you are feeling lousy. It's horrible seeing your mum upset, but it's very early days and your mum may settle in a while. Your mum is safe and being cared for and actually, right now she may have forgotten her distress while you, blessed with a decent memory are going through hell. Give your mum time to settle and take yourself firmly in hand for some treats, because I wouldn't bebe surprised if the person most in need of cossetting is you. x

 

[CathT]

Hi Michelle
I have just posted on your earlier thread to say I was thinking about you and wondering how the move had gone?
My mum has been accepted in a care home and we expect to move her on Wednesday, although it was touch and go as her assessment is veering towards a nursing home, but at the moment she doesnt have any specific nursing needs as such and I would much prefer her to have as much quality time in a nice residential/EMI home as possible. Her new home appears to be staffed by nice caring people and has the benefit of a lovely manageress who really knows how to interact with the residents, she even got a smile out of my mum when she came to assess her. I drive past the care home every day but never considered it as it appeared somewhat gloomy. However, it just goes to show that looks can be deceiving and is much nicer indoors. It has the benefit of a nice enclosed garden at the rear which cant be seen from the road and the residents look well cared for, clean and tidy. I know it isnt going to be an easy transition for us, there are bound to be difficult days ahead, but at the end of the day, we are doing the best we possibly can under the awful circumstances we find ourselves in.
Thinking about you Michelle and Dot tomorrow when her dad moves into his care home. Please dont be hard on yourself and follow Heather's advice. You are not going through this alone - lots of us thinking about you and sending kind regards.
CathT xxxx

 

[Dotchas]

Oh Michele, I am sorry , I missed this thread and was wondering how it went for you and your Mum.
I am so sad to hear how hard it has been for you. It cannot be easy to leave your lovely Mum somewhere she doesn't want to be. It brings to mind images of parents leaving crying children at their first day at school. I have no kids so have no experience of that myself but it seems strangely similar. How things change in the parent child relationship!
It does seem from the threads here that many people do seem to settle into their care homes once they get used to their new surroundings.
You, like me and others (cathT) have had to make these decisions with our heads to make sure our loved ones are safe,whatever our hearts might be saying.
I am lucky that my Dad is happy to move to his care home after 5 weeks in hospital. However before hospital he lived alone with very few visitors apart from me and his carers so I think he is appreciating having company and someone to keep him correct with what time of day it is etc.
Don't expect too much from your Mum yet ,its all strange and frightening but hopefully she will begin to settle. Try not to fret too much when you are not with her, but I know thats almost impossible. You have done your best and thats all anyone can ask. Take care of yourself so you can be strong for visits. Try and have some "me" time, you deserve it and its not selfish.
Love n hugs
Dot
xxx

 

[Michele]

Thank you so much - everyone.

I still feel horrible - I can't get mum off my mind. I have come into work early today, so that I can take the afternoon off to go and see mum and then go over to the bungalow to start sorting and clearing.

I know it will take time, but I just feel awful.

I spoke to the care home last night, and the carer I spoke to was lovely. She actually let me speak to mum. Mum was lovely, she sounded more muddled that normal. I presume that she will take a dip now.

I know that we have done the right thing, but it just hurts so much.

I knew I would feel awful, but didn't think I would feel this bad.

Thank you again everyone.

Dot and Cath - I wish you both all the best with the moves. Let us know how everything goes.

Love to you all.

xxxx

 

[Dotchas]

Sending bigs hugs Michele ((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))
Thinking of you
Dot
xxx

 

[Dazmum]

Hi Michelle, I don't really have anything new to add, I can take something from what everyone else has said so far on this thread and relate to it, after placing my dad in his nursing home. Like you, it wasn't our first choice, mainly because it was further away than we wanted, but it was really nice and by far the best I could find. We thought we might leave him there if he liked it, but still kept our options open for our first choice, and moved him there in February. He has some dementia and so it's different every time we go, sometimes he seems quite happy and others very fed up. This can be like a roller coaster with your emotions, so I guess what I am saying is that you have done the right thing, and the very best you can for your mum and it's very natural to feel the way you do. Be kind to yourself and come back here for support when you need it, I have only been here a week and have gained a lot, often just by reading others threads. Take care, Jennie x

 

[Dibs]

Hi Michele

I've just caught up with your post. What you are feeling right now is totally understandable. I moved my mum into her carehome just over a year ago and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I also new that it was the right thing for mum as I knew that she couldn't stay at home any longer.

I didn't visit my mum for the first week to enable her to settle into a new routine. I called every day for an update. It will take time for your mum to settle and also for you to adjust to your mum being in a new environment.

My mum is further along in her alzheimers journey but she is in the right environment as she progresses and the time I spend with her is very precious. I've got to know the other residents and staff who are lovely.

I know deep down in my heart that my mum is in the right place being looked after well and she has settled. You must always remember that you have done everything you can for your mum and as you both enter a new chapter I hope that you can enjoy the time you spend with your mum without the stress that you have been carrying around for so long.
Take care Love Dibs (Deborah) xxx

 

[holiday]

I know its hard accepting your mums move but it really is for the best. She's geting the care and attention she needs, she'll soon be settled and happy, which will make you feel better about the situation. Dont blame yourself, you've done the best that you can do for your mum. Make the most of the time that she's got left, enjoy your visits and never feel giulty or have any regrets xxx

 

[Michele]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for your support.

I feel better today. I visited mum yesterday afternoon. She looked really happy, her skin was glowing and she was having sing a long in the afternoon. I took her a new teddy which she loved, and some chocolates .

I didn't want to leave her, but she seemed much better than I was expecting.

I am still finding it really hard, but trying to take advice from you all is helpi8ng me.

I still think that most of the people there are further on than her, but the carers were getting mum to help with the washing up and she also helped put the washing on the line.

I know things will get easier.

It is very hard clearing the bungalow. Especially as me and my sister don't really know what is valuable and what is not. We are going to see if we can get some help on that.

I am seeing mum again tomorrow, which I can't wait for.

Thank you again for everythi8ng.

xxxxx