Hi All,
I am looking after my 81 year old Mum who is in the latter stage of dementia. She requires 24 hour care and I have been here for 2 years. As some are aware, due to family difficulties I have been doing this alone aside from a care visit of an hour a day. This has recently been increased to 4 hours a day 5 days a week with an overnight stay once a week. I am burdened with stress, depression and anxiety from before moving here and tried to commit suicide about a year ago. SS know all this; I have a very good SW and it is through her (and the obvious fear of 'Carer Breakdown') that I have had the extra help.
It is not enough. Mum reserves her worst behaviour for me. She needs constant reassurance - constant - and will forever question my intent 'You don't love me', 'I should go and kill myself', 'Well, kill me if you want then'. I have tried reassurance, deflection, distraction, everything. As everything 'resets' with her after thirty seconds it is impossible to keep her content and unafraid.
I don't want to be the 'What do I have to do?' I know the causes of her fear and insecurity. I know that everything is frightening. I know all this. It is just so hard to be the person I want to be for her, the person she needs me to be. I am not good enough.
I am looking at care homes but the process is so involved. All the while I am trying to keep Mum balanced, not tearful, not fearful. And I am failing.
Mum deserves better than me. And I can't help but think that.
I am looking after my 81 year old Mum who is in the latter stage of dementia. She requires 24 hour care and I have been here for 2 years. As some are aware, due to family difficulties I have been doing this alone aside from a care visit of an hour a day. This has recently been increased to 4 hours a day 5 days a week with an overnight stay once a week. I am burdened with stress, depression and anxiety from before moving here and tried to commit suicide about a year ago. SS know all this; I have a very good SW and it is through her (and the obvious fear of 'Carer Breakdown') that I have had the extra help.
It is not enough. Mum reserves her worst behaviour for me. She needs constant reassurance - constant - and will forever question my intent 'You don't love me', 'I should go and kill myself', 'Well, kill me if you want then'. I have tried reassurance, deflection, distraction, everything. As everything 'resets' with her after thirty seconds it is impossible to keep her content and unafraid.
I don't want to be the 'What do I have to do?' I know the causes of her fear and insecurity. I know that everything is frightening. I know all this. It is just so hard to be the person I want to be for her, the person she needs me to be. I am not good enough.
I am looking at care homes but the process is so involved. All the while I am trying to keep Mum balanced, not tearful, not fearful. And I am failing.
Mum deserves better than me. And I can't help but think that.