Hi-
My name is Ellouise and I joined Talking Point today.
My question is simply this: is anyone able to offer any thoughts and advice on whether it is generally a good idea to relocate an elderly dementa-suffering relative to live near another family member (in my case, a sibling) when there is, in my opinion, no need to uproot if things are going satisfactorily?
Briefly, having successfully cared for my mother for the past few years since my father died very suddenly (she hasn't been living with us since we live in a tiny rented house so for practical reasons it is out of the question) she was, sadly, diagnosed with mixed dementia back in the summer. We are already at the stage whereby Mum finds it hard to recognise familiar faces - even, at times, mine, despite the fact that I try to visit her every other day. Unfortunately the care home where she has been living so happily for the past three years has had to make the difficult decision to admit that they can no longer cope with her needs (Mum has other health and mobility issues in addition to the dementia) so we are currently looking around for a suitable nursing home (EEEK!!! ££££s).
At the risk of sounding "up myself" (!), and though I do say so myself, I've done a pretty fair job of keeping Mum happy and secure through what has sometimes been a very difficult time, something that my family has always acknowledged and been very grateful for. Mum is a lovely person and she and I have always been extremely close, even more so since Dad passed away. She can be stubborn at times, of course, but she has never caused us any stress to speak of. We have what I would call a good routine.
And now - completely out of the blue - my two elder siblings have suggested that "the time is now right" for my husband and I to "take a break" and for Mum to be moved closer to them (we are talking about over 300 miles away up country). Now whilst I appreciate their concerns for my welfare, I just wasn't prepared for this scenario. In a nutshell, I don't want Mum to move away, not just because I would miss her dreadfully, but also because I feel it would be a very bad idea to uproot her from her familiar surroundings at this stage. Mum's 90th birthday was just last week and I think it's a crazy idea to even consider relocating her. Unfortunately Mum's dementia is now such that she isn't in a position to make a decision for herself.
My sisters' argument is that, if Mum were to relocate, there would be more family members to 'share the load', including her two young great-granddaughters. My sisters believe that being surrounded by young visitors may help to stimulate her and would make her feel 'less isolated'....Now in theory I can see their point. However, to play Devil's Advocate for a minute, my worries are that it wouldn't take long for the novelty of having Granny living nearby would wear off pretty quickly and these anticipated visits may well dwindle. They haven't seen Mum on one of her 'bad days', and to be honest I'm afraid that the tears and the wailing may upset the two little great-granddaughters. So many 'ifs and buts'.
And now I am beginning to feel as if I am being emotionally blackmailed (e.g. "You have had Mum living nearby for years - it's our turn to be able to see her on a more regular basis..." etc, etc...) I never dreamed in a million years that this would happen and I'm still feeling pretty shocked. They are making me feel selfish now, which is ridiculous!
Any ideas, please? x
My name is Ellouise and I joined Talking Point today.
My question is simply this: is anyone able to offer any thoughts and advice on whether it is generally a good idea to relocate an elderly dementa-suffering relative to live near another family member (in my case, a sibling) when there is, in my opinion, no need to uproot if things are going satisfactorily?
Briefly, having successfully cared for my mother for the past few years since my father died very suddenly (she hasn't been living with us since we live in a tiny rented house so for practical reasons it is out of the question) she was, sadly, diagnosed with mixed dementia back in the summer. We are already at the stage whereby Mum finds it hard to recognise familiar faces - even, at times, mine, despite the fact that I try to visit her every other day. Unfortunately the care home where she has been living so happily for the past three years has had to make the difficult decision to admit that they can no longer cope with her needs (Mum has other health and mobility issues in addition to the dementia) so we are currently looking around for a suitable nursing home (EEEK!!! ££££s).
At the risk of sounding "up myself" (!), and though I do say so myself, I've done a pretty fair job of keeping Mum happy and secure through what has sometimes been a very difficult time, something that my family has always acknowledged and been very grateful for. Mum is a lovely person and she and I have always been extremely close, even more so since Dad passed away. She can be stubborn at times, of course, but she has never caused us any stress to speak of. We have what I would call a good routine.
And now - completely out of the blue - my two elder siblings have suggested that "the time is now right" for my husband and I to "take a break" and for Mum to be moved closer to them (we are talking about over 300 miles away up country). Now whilst I appreciate their concerns for my welfare, I just wasn't prepared for this scenario. In a nutshell, I don't want Mum to move away, not just because I would miss her dreadfully, but also because I feel it would be a very bad idea to uproot her from her familiar surroundings at this stage. Mum's 90th birthday was just last week and I think it's a crazy idea to even consider relocating her. Unfortunately Mum's dementia is now such that she isn't in a position to make a decision for herself.
My sisters' argument is that, if Mum were to relocate, there would be more family members to 'share the load', including her two young great-granddaughters. My sisters believe that being surrounded by young visitors may help to stimulate her and would make her feel 'less isolated'....Now in theory I can see their point. However, to play Devil's Advocate for a minute, my worries are that it wouldn't take long for the novelty of having Granny living nearby would wear off pretty quickly and these anticipated visits may well dwindle. They haven't seen Mum on one of her 'bad days', and to be honest I'm afraid that the tears and the wailing may upset the two little great-granddaughters. So many 'ifs and buts'.
And now I am beginning to feel as if I am being emotionally blackmailed (e.g. "You have had Mum living nearby for years - it's our turn to be able to see her on a more regular basis..." etc, etc...) I never dreamed in a million years that this would happen and I'm still feeling pretty shocked. They are making me feel selfish now, which is ridiculous!
Any ideas, please? x