Hello
@Champers , so much of your story is true for me too. For years my mother would proudly boast that I'd get 'plenty' when she died - every time I saw her! Yet she never helped me when I needed it.
Naively, neither of us imagined any money would be needed for care so when dementia arrived I got a heck of a shock. Suddenly I was responsible for this unpleasant old woman - something I had never envisaged and certainly didn't want to do. I was equally shocked over the amount of money a care home costs every week. (And in our case that's less than a lot of people are paying.) Mum went from completely independent living (no diagnosis) to hospital then to a care home as she needed 24 hour care, so it was very sudden and a steep learning curve for me.
3 years on, I have....mellowed I suppose. I've realised I have NO inheritance, simply because mum
isn't dead. When she does die, maybe there will be some money left - I sincerely hope so! At first I was concerned to preserve every penny of her money but gradually I realised I was treating it as my money and it isn't. I could cut her hairdressing down to once a month instead of once a week but mum has very little quality of life and likes having her hair done. I've started to think 'how would it be if it were me and my kids were looking after things?' And although she's always been unplesant, not everything she did was bad and I should not ignore all the good things she did (probably) that I have conveniently forgotten. In the end it comes down to this: she is still my mother. I visit and make sure she's OK - I don't have to cuddle her and shower her with love.
And I have to live with myself afterwards so most of what I do is actually for my own peace of mind. Perhaps that is a thing - the Selfish Carer. Or the Reluctant Carer - that's me.