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I don't want my mum to go into care

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Lemonjelly, Sep 6, 2019.

  1. Lemonjelly

    Lemonjelly New member

    Sep 6, 2019
    Hi everyone as the title of this thread suggests I am at loggerheads with my sister and brother-in-law.

    Some background first my mother who is coming up to 90 lives alone in her own home with carer visits 4 times a day. She is self-funding and would be self-funding in a care home for probably up to about 8 or 9 years. She has moderately severe Alzheimer's and is completely incapable of doing anything for herself so is completely reliant on the care agency . She is incontinent but refuses to wear the pads on most occasions the carers do try but it's a difficult struggle . She phones both my sister and I continually in the evening she often refuses to get into bed when the carer is trying to persuade her in the night and sometimes she sleeps in the chair overnight fully clothed. She is verbally aggressive to myself and other family members often using foul language.

    My sister and I have power of attorney both for finance health and welfare jointly and severally. Up to this point recently we have been jogging along muddling through to a certain extent. Both of us have a very poor relationship with my mother over the years she has been emotionally abusive to myself ,her daughter and son-in-law and has generally wracked people off over the years.

    I have been reluctant to go down the care home route because I have felt until recently that she is better off at home. I feel I deserve some of her money when she finally passes away and I bitterly resent the fact that her money and her property will have to be used for care home fees. I know obviously that everyone is in the same boat with the system that we have have but inwardly I rage over the whole scenario.

    The situation has deteriorated quickly over the last few months. My mother has taken to throwing incontinence pads, food and clothes at the carers when they arrive . Here is the nub my brother-in-law who takes no interest in my mother and is not an attorney has suddenly taken it upon himself to persuade my sister that our mother should go into a home. He refuses to go and see my mother when my sister goes over there and refuses to have our mother stay with them. Both my sister and brother-in-law have been out without my knowledge to look at local care homes.

    When I finally found out this happened there was a huge row of course between myself my sister and my brother-in-law. Now my brother-in-law tells me that as my sister has power of attorney jointly and severally she can in fact sort out a care home without my input or objection. My sister deals totally with all the finance side pays all my mother's bills and sort out everything with the care agency . I deal with the day centres that my mother attends and also with all the shopping. Is there any way legally I can persuade my sister that this is not the right thing to do
  2. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    @Lemonjelly , although I'd agree with you that staying in your own familiar surroundings may be good for someone with dementia in the early stages, and indeed that's what I argued when my brother wanted mum to move near him seven years ago, there comes a time when even with help coming in it is not enough and a care home becomes inevitable. The other options I guess would be live in carers or for you to give up your life and move in with your mother. I'd stronger advise against the latter and the former would be more expensive than a care home.
    The only strong reason from your point of view I can see for your mother not moving is that you want an inheritance, there appear to be none from the POV of your sister or your mother. This is going to sound blunt, but it isn't your money and should be used to do what's best for your mother. I think rather than risk a total rift in your family I'd start going to look at care homes with your sister and try and agree on the one that will best meet her needs.
    BTW I moved mum to a care home near me four months ago when it became obvious she could no longer manage at home, and her dementia isn't as advanced as your mothers.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello @Lemonjelly Welcome to Dementia Talking Point.

    Can you honestly say whether this is not the right thing to do for your mother or is it not the right thing to do for you?

    However good the care package is, how many hours in the day is your mother left alone? If she is unable to do anything for herself as you say, do you think it fair for her to live like this.

    We would all like to benefit from an inheritance and the system is not fair but I don`t think our very poorly parents should be denied a safe harbour at the end of their lives as a result.
  4. Dunroamin

    Dunroamin Registered User

    May 5, 2019
    I agree the money should be used for what is best for your mother @Lemonjelly and apologise if this sounds harsh. I myself have early Alzheimers and this very topic is written into my LPA. I hope you manage to arrive at the best solution for your mother.
  5. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    #5 Rosettastone57, Sep 6, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
    I am going to be blunt ...the short answer to your last question is legally no. It sounds to me like your mother should be in a care home as soon as possible. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear , but you giving a reason for your mother to stay in her own home, is to protect your inheritance, is frankly, unacceptable. As other posters have said you need to work with your sister to get somewhere that suits your mother's needs . Your whole post is you coming over as very callous. I'm sure that's not the image you really want to project to your family
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Im appalled by the state that your poor mother has got into. Where is the dignity in becoming incontinent and having no protection, throwing used pads at people, becoming so scared that they end up making multiple phone calls to people and becoming aggressive with foul language? I understand that she has not been the best mother to you, but nevertheless she deserves better, surely?

    Normally I would be saying your brother is not in a position to make decisions about her care, but in this case I am siding with him - she really should be in a care home. Im sure you dont want to hear this, but denying her quality of life so that you can have an inheritance is not acceptable, however much you deserve it.
  7. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    You have answered your own question when you say "I have been reluctant to go down the care home route because I have felt until recently that she is better off at home." If she is no longer better off at home then there is really only one option. Whether she lives for another year or another 9 years the question of any inheritance - and your resentment - is irrelevant until after she is finally released from the horrors of dementia. As Attorney it is your duty to act responsibly and in the way that benefits her most.
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    This is my own experience-
    If your mum is deemed capable then her wishes are the priority still, no matter if you have LPA or not.
    Social services provide advocates to represent the wishes of the PWD I have been told.
    Does your Mum want to stay in her own home?
    With the throwing of things, is this her frustration at having people continually enter her home or is it a decline in her behaviour?
    Low grade UTI are often the cause of unusual behaviour & this should be looked at.
    My Mum finds the pads uncomfortable, but the social worker who she likes- explained to her it was part of her remaining in her own home. Mum still gets embarrassed by accidents & this frustration & anger can erupt.
    Does your Mum have these issues at daycare? Is her behaviour in decline there as well?
    Sorry to fire off questions at you, but lastly have you been able to speak to your sister about why she’s looking at care homes?
    A difficult conversation to not let emotions become involved with, my Mum is still deemed capable - she makes poor decisions & we sort things out for her all the time. But her main wish was to remain in her own home & still is, so that’s what we are trying to do.

    Yes it’s galling that all our parents worked so hard for will be swallowed up by care fees, but at some point my Mum like my Dad will go into a care home; she won’t come out of it as neither will Dad. At the end of the day Mum & Dads welfare & wellbeing is the priority. I’m a grown woman who has always put my parents before myself & my family at times to the detriment of my own health. It’s easy to forget that Dementia is the monster in the room like a puppet master controlling the PWD. It magnifies flaws & dehumanises some, but at the end of the day as a LPA you have a duty of care to represent your Mum & her cognitive wishes. Monetary matters aside - sorry if I sound a bit preachy but emotions can so easily run high in these situations. It’s hard to look at things from a distance. Trust me I know!!
    The Office of Guardians also can clarify your position legally, Alzheimer’s have a fantastic helpline.

    I hope you find answers to your questions, - the forum is teeming with these experiences & emotions, believe me it does help
  9. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    From all you have said your mother needs to be in a care home, so why would you want to persuade your sister it is 'not the right thing to do'? The only reason you have given is (I am sure you acknowledge) a selfish one, not wanting to lose your inheritance. As POA you have to act in your mother's best interests. If you were not prepared to act in her best interests, you should not have accepted the role.

    I am not close to my mother (to put it mildly) but as her attorney I have provided the necessary care via professional carers, first at home and for the past 18 months in a care home. Her money is slipping relentlessly down that care home drain but that's fine because it's her money, not mine. You have to use her money to do what is best for her, not what is best for you.
  10. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    Mid Lincs
    To an extent I sympathise with you Lemonjelly. I too didn't have a particularly good relationship with my mum either (it's more common than you think) and it can skew how you think.

    However your mother is elderly, most likely confused and disoriented and scared. Don't let how you feel about her ruin your relationship with your sister and BiL. Would you wish to be left in the state you mother is? Would you as a carer think it right to have pads etc thrown at you because your charge's daughter wants to inherit? Care homes have ways of dealing with difficult situations. Would you feel your BiL is sticking his nose in if he sided with you?

    Let her go into a carehome and sleep peacefully at night knowing you have done right by her even if she didn't by you.
  11. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    I'm sorry that this is not what you want to hear, but I think, from what you have written, your Mum would be better and safer in a home. You openly admit that you and your sister have been muddling through, but the situation with your Mum has changed and it is not going to get better. The fact that you feel that you deserve some of your mum's money as inheritance is irrelevant. We all know that it sucks that some people have to pay for their care, but that is the situation as it stands at the moment, (I think I'm right in saying - ) you have no legal right to your Mum's money, and surely you would be happy to think that your Mum was safe and being cared for properly rather than getting upset with carers etc. You have joint power of attorney with your sister (not sure what the severally you have mentioned means), and I think, but again not sure but someone else may know, that if you cannot decide amicably between you as to the best interests of your Mum then it may have to result in court proceedings and I'm pretty sure you would not want that to happen. For what it's worth I would be looking at suitable care/nursing homes depending on your Mum's needs.
  12. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    Jale, jointly and severally means that each attorney can act independently and a joint decision is not required.

    This means your sister has the right to do what she is doing and I'm sure you know yourself deep down that it's the right thing to do for your mother. It's her money, to be used in her best interests for the best care, and being contrary because you think you are owed an inheritance is not how an attorney should act.
  13. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    Hi @Lemonjelly there is a way to save your inheritance. You give up your life as it is and move in with your mum and give her your full time support. You can then deal with the aggression and the incontinence pads happy in the knowledge that you are keeping your inheritance safe.

    The disadvantage is that the stress may eventually kill you first and then your siblings will inherit your share.

    I really think you need to listen to your sister and have your mum cared for properly. It is your mum's money and should be used for her benefit.
  14. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    North West
    I think you have had a fair response to your questions so far. My situation is slightly different and more complex and I can't do anything without a consensus agreement (long story). I know that in the end the house will have to be sold when mum finally go's into care to pay for her care. My brother on the other hand thinks that mums estate should go to him, and we have had a fair few battles over this from the moment my dad died, with repeated attempts by my brother to sell mums house and pocket the cash (to no avail). Whatever you think, your mums estate is hers, and like it or not it should be used to pay for a CH if that is what is needed. It is unpleasant and we all have expectations that our parents will leave us something, but they are just that, expectations. Nothing is certain here unfortunately and not something to depend on.

    Arguing over estate is pointless, when infact you have no entitlement to it as matters stand. I can see your side as well, but you will find there are many of us who in principle agree with you, but in practice realise we have to do the right thing when that time comes.
  15. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    Dear Lemonjelly,

    I was once in your position and the thought of a care home for dad horrified me. However after half a dozen falls, two escapes and getting aggressive with the carers I knew I could no longer cope. Yes! My invisibles became concerned about the fees, with one saying that I had put dad in a home without his permission, but the relief of not having to worry about dad was immense. Yes! I grieved, I felt guilty but I knew it was the right decision.

    Dad thrived and for a time I thought his dementia was better. I also realised that the caring was starting to take a toll on my own health because not long after dad went into the home I came down with shingles. I know it's difficult but now's the time to look at homes before you all make yourselves ill with worry.

    It's a very hard journey but once you have agreed on your mother's care you should start to feel better.

  16. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    Central Scotland
    Your sister is the one who is who is shouldering most of the responsibility for arranging and maintaining your Mother's care and safety. Her husband (your BIL) is probably acting this way to protect his wife's health and wellbeing as a good husband should.

    If it is any comfort to you, remember that Dementia is a terminal illness and given your mother's age and what sounds like pretty advanced Dementia, it is statistically likely that she will not last for 8/9 years in the care home and therefore there will still be a substantial sum left for you to inherit.
  17. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    I think you will find it difficult to persuade your sister that it's not the right thing to do because quite frankly it IS the right thing to do. Your mother's money only becomes your inheritance when she dies. How long do you think the carers will put up with her behaviour? Quite frankly I find your attitude shocking.
  18. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    From what you have written about the state your mother is in, I think for you to leave her at home as she is amounts to elder abuse. It doesn't matter what your relationship with her is, it doesn't give you the right to treat her in this way.

    I know people have expectations that they will inherit but someone has to pay for her care. If she has the money to pay for it then that is how it is and you have no right to deny her proper care in her old age because you want her money.

    I hope that when you get to her age that your children don't treat you like that. Time to put yourself into her shoes and realise how awful this must be for her.
  19. Lemonjelly

    Lemonjelly New member

    Sep 6, 2019
    Thanks to everyone who responded. I think my BIL is frustrated because he sees nothing is progressing regarding mum's care . I have spoken to my sister who it seems , is taking out her frustrations after seeing mum, on him. So he is bearing the brunt of her anger at the situation . Anyway, they have found a care home nearby with a secure dementia unit and now arranged some respite for mum. The home, apparently have vacancies, so I expect it will probably be permanent. I am going to see the home myself to see what it is like . I understand the fees are £900 a week . I still find it difficult to understand how the fees are so high . I know I got a hard time from forum members and I understand why. But it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with the feeling of resentment against my mum. I've been reading other threads and I thought everyone on here was going to be loving children towards their parents . I've seen some posts saying how awful their parents were, but I admire those who can rise above it.
  20. Lorna44

    Lorna44 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2016
    £900 is cheap, we paid £1250 a week.
    I second everyone else's advice, it's time for your mum to be safe so no harm comes to her or potentially others. X
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