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I don't think that I want to visit anymore

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
3,139
0
North West
My empathy to all.

I found it incredibly hard at times seeing my mum deteriorate and she is now a very frail old lady and literally just skin and bone. Its a hard truth for anyone to deal with in how this disease changes lives for the PWD and those closest to them. All we can do is our best, whatever that is and no more.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
854
0
I was relieved when my mother died and I wasn't ashamed to say this to people at the time. I ask myself whether following Shipman and the abandonment of the Liverpool Care Pathway staff in care homes are trying too hard to get food and drink into a person when s/he has already reached the end of his/her natural life and are just prolonging life unnecessarily and to no purpose. It's the same with people being taken to hospital for re-hydration rather than allowing nature to take its course.
 

15moterbike

Registered User
Jan 17, 2022
131
0
I was relieved when my mother died and I wasn't ashamed to say this to people at the time. I ask myself whether following Shipman and the abandonment of the Liverpool Care Pathway staff in care homes are trying too hard to get food and drink into a person when s/he has already reached the end of his/her natural life and are just prolonging life unnecessarily and to no purpose. It's the same with people being taken to hospital for re-hydration rather than allowing nature to take its course.
Agree
 

Jenfor

New member
Jun 10, 2022
1
0
Hi, I’m new to this forum and have found great relief to know other families are having similar experiences to myself.
My mum is in her mid nineties and has suffered a slow decline with Alzheimer’s/ dementia for nearly 20 years.
Up to 2 years ago I supported every aspect of her life apart from her personal care. She believed she was doing ‘just fine’ and didn’t need any extra help. If anything she wanted to pay me to do what was necessary!!
I am in the elderly category myself with an equally elderly husband and found the constant worry etc very debilitating, but an enormous guilt that I didn’t feel I could take mum into my own home. It actually got to the stage when I was considering moving into her ‘assisted living’ accommodation.
I eventually managed to persuade her to try a daily care service but on the day it was to start I found her on the floor having had a fall in the night while trying to hide her handbag.
She was admitted to hospital and from there the care system recommended a move to Care home. She was self funding so I was able to choose a nice modern local home.
She was very distressed by the move and actually accused me of being unfair as she had looked after her parents which was a totally false statement, but it hits that guilt button and prays on the mind.
It’s ironic really as when my mother was 80 she actually said she didn’t want to be a burden!
Since then we have endured covid which has had a huge detrimental effect but I must admit for a while it helped to relieve my feelings of guilt at not having to visit regularly.
Now the home is fully open and my conscience makes me visit at least twice a week even though I don’t want to.
My mum is now almost immobile, doesn’t have the words for a conversation. Can’t see very well, struggles to hear and just wants to go home even though the only home she remembers is where she lived as A child.
My visits seem to cause her distress while I’m there as she doesn’t know me as an elderly woman and distress when I leave as she wants to come with me.
I know I have to keep visiting her as it lets the staff know that I’m keeping an eye on things although I have nothing but admiration for the care they give.
Several recent falls resulted in two trips to A and E which were horrendous experiences.
Although mum has a DNR document we didn’t know about a ‘respect’ form which has now been drawn up to say no more hospital visits unless it’s deemed absolutely essential due to broken bones etc.
Mum takes two drugs for her heart but when I suggested it might be kinder to stop them I was told that that might make the situation worse as she could have a stroke.
I know that my mother would not want to live like this and as with some of the other posts I must admit I will be happy when she passes away. It will be a relief for both of us and I feel enormous guilt for even thinking this let alone saying it.
I don’t have any answers for this awful situation but I know as a society we have to find a solution. We cannot keep people alive with modern medicine when we have no control over the ageing process. It’s just cruel for both the impaired elderly person as well as their relatives.
Sorry this is a long rant but it feels good to ‘get it off my chest’
 

15moterbike

Registered User
Jan 17, 2022
131
0
Hi, I’m new to this forum and have found great relief to know other families are having similar experiences to myself.
My mum is in her mid nineties and has suffered a slow decline with Alzheimer’s/ dementia for nearly 20 years.
Up to 2 years ago I supported every aspect of her life apart from her personal care. She believed she was doing ‘just fine’ and didn’t need any extra help. If anything she wanted to pay me to do what was necessary!!
I am in the elderly category myself with an equally elderly husband and found the constant worry etc very debilitating, but an enormous guilt that I didn’t feel I could take mum into my own home. It actually got to the stage when I was considering moving into her ‘assisted living’ accommodation.
I eventually managed to persuade her to try a daily care service but on the day it was to start I found her on the floor having had a fall in the night while trying to hide her handbag.
She was admitted to hospital and from there the care system recommended a move to Care home. She was self funding so I was able to choose a nice modern local home.
She was very distressed by the move and actually accused me of being unfair as she had looked after her parents which was a totally false statement, but it hits that guilt button and prays on the mind.
It’s ironic really as when my mother was 80 she actually said she didn’t want to be a burden!
Since then we have endured covid which has had a huge detrimental effect but I must admit for a while it helped to relieve my feelings of guilt at not having to visit regularly.
Now the home is fully open and my conscience makes me visit at least twice a week even though I don’t want to.
My mum is now almost immobile, doesn’t have the words for a conversation. Can’t see very well, struggles to hear and just wants to go home even though the only home she remembers is where she lived as A child.
My visits seem to cause her distress while I’m there as she doesn’t know me as an elderly woman and distress when I leave as she wants to come with me.
I know I have to keep visiting her as it lets the staff know that I’m keeping an eye on things although I have nothing but admiration for the care they give.
Several recent falls resulted in two trips to A and E which were horrendous experiences.
Although mum has a DNR document we didn’t know about a ‘respect’ form which has now been drawn up to say no more hospital visits unless it’s deemed absolutely essential due to broken bones etc.
Mum takes two drugs for her heart but when I suggested it might be kinder to stop them I was told that that might make the situation worse as she could have a stroke.
I know that my mother would not want to live like this and as with some of the other posts I must admit I will be happy when she passes away. It will be a relief for both of us and I feel enormous guilt for even thinking this let alone saying it.
I don’t have any answers for this awful situation but I know as a society we have to find a solution. We cannot keep people alive with modern medicine when we have no control over the ageing process. It’s just cruel for both the impaired elderly person as well as their relatives.
Sorry this is a long rant but it feels good to ‘get it off my chest’
I totally agree I was going to see my mum tommorow but just cant do it , my uncle and sister in law have seen her in the last week and say she is disturbed face twisted and contortions thrashing and chocking suction machine under bed . It’s barbaric cruel and no dignity at all , living hell some will disagree . I wish each day for a peaceful end x
 

15moterbike

Registered User
Jan 17, 2022
131
0
I totally agree I was going to see my mum tommorow but just cant do it , my uncle and sister in law have seen her in the last week and say she is disturbed face twisted and contortions thrashing and chocking suction machine under bed . It’s barbaric cruel and no dignity at all , living hell some will disagree . I wish each day for a peaceful end x
I have just called nh I thought I might go today but not well ,mum has had suction and hyoscine last few days again followed by creamy porridge as long as she doesn’t cough when they give It to her , it’s really cruel if she was in a hospice she would have all these meds in a syringe driver to keep her comfortable .
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,147
0
Yorkshire
Hello @Jenfor
A warm welcome to DTP

It's so tough on everyone, having a parent deteriorate and not be able to 'make it better'

Here is a good place to rant away and get it all of your chest, sadly members understand ... so keep posting