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I don't think that I want to visit anymore

Mariane

Registered User
Jul 27, 2021
20
0
My mother is in her mid nineties and in the very late stages of alzheimers. She has been in a care home for almost 6 years. Her worst fear was to end up with dementia. In the earlier stages she would ask us to give her something to kill her and we would try and reassure her that things would get better and she would not always feel so down, despite not really being convinced of this ourselves. She enjoyed having visitors but then Covid arrived and she did go downhill. She is now bedbound, skin and bone and sleeps most of the time. Her speech is very limited and mostly unintelligible. During the one hour visits she barely stirs, her eyes never open more than a slit, she does not know who anyone is. She is well cared for but her quality of life is non existent. It is a living death. I know that she would want to just pass away in her sleep but despite her frailty her heart carries on beating and she has to endure this existence. The staff say that she is happy! Sometimes she cries out. She is bewildered and who knows what is happening in her mind. I wish that this would all end but I feel guilty for thinking like that, but I know that she would want the same. I don't know what keeps some elderly people going when they have reached the end of their life and all that is left is to lie in a bed day in day out with no purpose other than waiting for your heart to stop and give you peace. When I visit I come away thinking that I do not want to go again which causes more guilt. I don't thing she even knows that I am there. Is there really any point anymore. It is like having a final viewing over and over again. I just can't face visiting anymore. Reading this back somehow sounds cold hearted, but it is reality and honest.
My sister died in July exactly in the way you describe and I can identify with every one of your expressed feelings and guilt. But I think I had and have less guilt than you because I kept thinking who wants to live like this? my sister weighed 98 libs and there was nothing left of the person she once was. She absolutely did not know I was there during the last week of her life. I was relieved when she finally died not for myself but for her. I am still sad that her last days were so tortured and I hope you will feel the relief without guilt. i kept going thinking that I would be there when she went home to God. I wasn’t. She died in the middle of the night . any of us who write here at least can take comfort knowing we are among the many, many who have witnessed the terrible end resultmof Alzheifers disease. Soon she will be at peace.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
1,279
0
I agree with the others who feel relieved when a loved-one dies, if their quality of life was terrible. My own mother is currently very weak, has deteriorated in the last week, and doesn't look as if she will last long. Her life can only be called miserable currently, she has no pleasures, is wholly dependent on care home staff for everything, and is now almost bedridden. I will mourn her passing when the time comes, but of course I don't want to see her in her current state.
 

Bun

Registered User
Oct 2, 2021
44
0
I am new to talking point. So sorry to read your messages on end of life, for your loved one's. My lovely husband, has Vascular dementia. I was his carer for 12 yes, he went into care earlier this year. His short term memory is really bad, but he still knows me. He is 91years old, the dementia has been very slow, but not now. I am dreading the outcome for him. I pray he will die in his sleep. My heart goes out to all of you, who have gone and are going through this 💓 breaking experience.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,933
0
Yorkshire
hello @Bun
a warm welcome to DTP

just wanted to send you and your husband best wishes

now you've joined our supportive community, keep posting; it helps to share with others who understand
 

Bun

Registered User
Oct 2, 2021
44
0
Thank u. Still trying to find my way around this site. Not gd at reading directions , need to be shown, doing ok so far. The support has 🐝 great.
 

Loz18

Registered User
Feb 19, 2021
18
0
Harwich
My mother is in her mid nineties and in the very late stages of alzheimers. She has been in a care home for almost 6 years. Her worst fear was to end up with dementia. In the earlier stages she would ask us to give her something to kill her and we would try and reassure her that things would get better and she would not always feel so down, despite not really being convinced of this ourselves. She enjoyed having visitors but then Covid arrived and she did go downhill. She is now bedbound, skin and bone and sleeps most of the time. Her speech is very limited and mostly unintelligible. During the one hour visits she barely stirs, her eyes never open more than a slit, she does not know who anyone is. She is well cared for but her quality of life is non existent. It is a living death. I know that she would want to just pass away in her sleep but despite her frailty her heart carries on beating and she has to endure this existence. The staff say that she is happy! Sometimes she cries out. She is bewildered and who knows what is happening in her mind. I wish that this would all end but I feel guilty for thinking like that, but I know that she would want the same. I don't know what keeps some elderly people going when they have reached the end of their life and all that is left is to lie in a bed day in day out with no purpose other than waiting for your heart to stop and give you peace. When I visit I come away thinking that I do not want to go again which causes more guilt. I don't thing she even knows that I am there. Is there really any point anymore. It is like having a final viewing over and over again. I just can't face visiting anymore. Reading this back somehow sounds cold hearted, but it is reality and honest.
 

Loz18

Registered User
Feb 19, 2021
18
0
Harwich
Hi Dominic.
I am totally with what you are saying. My dad has alzeimers and has had for 2 years. My mum past away end of May this year and which was a total shock. My dad never saw hr go to hospital so was a total shock to him the following day when she past away. He immediately needed 24hr care which I did until we got full time carers in. He is currently at home. He contracted covid which was mild but his alzeimers accelerated so quickly. He's been bed bound at home now for about 4 months.... Can't move... Aspirates with everything he takes in.... Can hardly talk... Can hardly cough... He's got cancer aswell and now got gangrene in his foot. Nothing can be done now except to keep him comfortable and hopefully pain free. He knows who I am and we tell each other we love each other every day.... But..... This is absolute torture... Watching my dad deteriorate everyday is the most horrible thing to watch. I love him so much and still grieving for my mum. Visiting is pergetry but even though I hate going because I can't stand seeing him like this I need to go because he needs me. He is now on palliative care and it's heartbreaking. I just want to help him but there is nothing I can do. Helpless.
Why is life just so ****** cruel.!!!!!
Dad couldn't even go to mum's funeral because he was so not well. I stayed with him so I couldn't go either.... We had to watch it on the TV.
I just don't want my dad to suffer. His body is breaking down.
I need to stop typing..... There is so much I want to say.
Sorry........... Thankyou for listening x
 

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