1. Q&A: Medication - Thurs 22nd November, 3-4pm

    Do you have questions about medication and drug treatments for dementia? There's no drug to cure dementia yet, but it's often possible to relieve some symptoms.

    Our next expert Q&A will be hosted by Simon from our Knowledge Services team. He will be answering your questions on Thursday 22nd November from 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

I don't like you!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by reedysue, Jun 13, 2018.

  1. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,487
    Scotland
    If my mum says this to me one more time today I will run screaming down the road.

    This is mum's reply to almost anything she is asked to do from scrubbing her nails to remove the poo (twice today) to suggesting that she puts a cardigan on because she is cold, it is usually followed up by her saying "I didn't come up here (Scotland) to be told what to do".

    Sorry rant over.
     
  2. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,645
    Oh my dear, I hear so much of this in my OH nursing home. There is one resident who believe me, I love dearly as she is often so lovely, so sweet, so, well normal. But my goodness when she flips and it is usually when asked to do something, she is really imaginative. We get, YOU BORE ME SO MUCH I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU.
    I've got a machine gun under my chair ...
    I'm calling the police TO LOCK YOU ALL UP, I hate you all ...
    We just look up to heaven at each other and it will pass, but doing home caring is not the same is it. We are trapped with it. I used to become very conciliatory to my OH, almost begging him, if you see what I mean. As for scrubbing nails to remove the poo ... oh I wish there was a quick solution to this one.
    So good to hear from you and all all sympathy. Gx
     
  3. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,487
    Scotland
    Well mum hasn't threatened to shoot me yet but she did say that if I didn't mind my own business I'd get a punch in the face.
     
  4. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,645
    Oh sweetheart, dear oh dear. These violent elderly ladies!!! Not underestimating the effect on you though. Is she ever grateful/appreciative Gxx
     
  5. DeMartin

    DeMartin Registered User

    Jul 4, 2017
    679
    Kent
    A couple of times mum’s suggested that I’ll be in prison soon as she’s spoken to the police,and they’re coming for me. Still waiting.
     
  6. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,645
    I blame all this on too much violence on telly!
    Gxx
     
  7. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,487
    Scotland
    The simple answer is no.
    Apparently I do nothing for her because she does not need any help!
     
  8. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,649
    Toronto, Canada
    Oh yes, those sweet statements. My favourite from my mother was "I should have chopped your head off when you were a baby". I was actually pleased with this as it was an indication for the first time in months that I was her daughter. My response was "Too late, Mum".
     
  9. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,645
    Sweetheart, again, such violent thoughts!! that is so poignant about it being an indication that you were her daughter, though. Gx
     
  10. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    3,260
    Male
    Cyprus
    Oh yes, I hate you, I’m leaving you, you’re a control freak etc., I get them too.

    I recall one incident when I was cleaning after a continence accident and my wife just stared at me with a look of rage on her face yelling I hate you repeatedly. I just said I get the point but some help here would be of more benefit. I had to carry on alone while I listened to the yelling. Half an hour later she was telling me how much she loved me and how she couldn’t live without me! Another day in Dementialand, just as well I love her too.;)
     
  11. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,161
    It is very very hard to put your life on hold for someone and not only go without thanks but be actively disparaged. There's so much out there about carers bullying carees but nobody ever talks about how pwd can bully their carers. *FWIW sending warmth and appreciation your way*
     
  12. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    4,391
    Female
    Chester
    In the short period when my mum lived with me post crisis, she one day came out with stop telling me what to do, you've always been really bossy. Although I was on TP at the time, I had only just joined and didn't know enough to know it was dementia talking and it cut me to the quick, however I needed her to do whatever so I just carried on.

    A few months later when she was settled in her sheltered extra care flat and she thought I was the best daughter ever, really looking after her, and finding her somewhere nice to live.

    It took me a while afterwards to realise that it was dementia talking when she had said the you've always been bossy in the way that some other things were obviously dementia.In fact she had always been very bossy to me.
     
  13. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    3,662
    Kent
    Similar to me...at 2am trying to keep dad post op in the hospital ward he said to me 'I hate you ...you are a terrible daughter' very tired having stayed in hospital with him for 10 days I tearfully replied 'that's as maybe dad but I am here to keep you safe'...even though horrible the interesting thing that struck me was that in his anger having not recognised me as a daughter for months...he put me in the right context.
     
  14. Fullticket

    Fullticket Registered User

    Apr 19, 2016
    389
    Chard, Somerset
    That reminds me of mum... Having suffered a fall in the night I was with her in A&E while they checked her out. She did not realise I was listening but a nurse was chatting with her and mum came out with: "When I was a little girl my dad told me what to do, when I was married my husband told me what to do and now I am old my daughter is always telling me what to do. When will she shut up?"
    Fortunately I have the hide of a rhino and a black sense of humour and, no, I never did shut up.
     
  15. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,487
    Scotland
    It seems that mum slept in her clothes last night, either that or she was trying to go out for another midnight flit as she was fully dressed this morning when I made tea at 7am. My OH said he heard her moving about at about 3am but as I have now got her keys she can't get out at night. I tried to get he clothes this morning but she refused following it up with her favourite phrase (see title).
     
  16. KathrynAnne

    KathrynAnne Registered User

    Jun 6, 2018
    145
    Female
    South Yorkshire
    I have just the same with my Mum. She has lived with me and my husband for 2 years now. It is so disheartening when I have been looking after her all day, taking her to memory cafes, visiting friends, doing her washing, ironing and cleaning, making meals plus all her personal care. Then she takes offence at something I have done or not done and I get a torrent of abuse. She will sometimes swear and shout at me and yesterday I got a kick in the stomach when I was bending down in front of her trying to get her to take her tablets!
     
  17. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,487
    Scotland
    That is awful and I am afraid that any sort of physical violence would be my line in the sand.
     
  18. mumsgone

    mumsgone Registered User

    Dec 23, 2015
    347
    wow it seems to me you are all struggling and nobody has explained to any of you that what you all see as abnormal behaviour is perfectly reasonable to the person with dementia. I wrote a poem called when you visit, it is on this site under the poetry section take a gander may give you a bit more insight. Nobody prepares us for the changes in the ones we love but this site helps people to exchange views and ideas.Keep your chins up all of you xx
     
  19. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,487
    Scotland
    Yes we are struggling but that does not mean that we do not understand that our PWD sees this as reasonable behaviour.
     
  20. KathrynAnne

    KathrynAnne Registered User

    Jun 6, 2018
    145
    Female
    South Yorkshire
    Hi @mumsgone yes I have spoken to many people and read lots of material about the behavioural changes. I’m afraid it still did not prepare me for my loving, gentle and softly spoken Mum to turn violent and abusive. I would like to read your poem though. How do I find it? xx
     

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