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I don't know what to do

htow9438

New member
Oct 10, 2019
2
I just lost a loved one to dementia... I feel guilty for thinking that it's finally over, but I miss him too. I feel so conflicted. :( Has anyone felt this way before?
 

PJ

Registered User
Jan 26, 2017
348
Bristol
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is not something I have experienced but I imagine it to be completely normal & fully understandable. Take care.
 

Ohso

Registered User
Jan 4, 2018
168
I can only speak for myself but l am constantly looking at everything from all angles so feeling guilty comes with that. To give you an example, mum hurt her ankle earlier this week, bad enough to call an ambulance, anyway while waiting l was working through all the scenarios including ....if she goes into hospital at least l will get a good nights sleep.
.in the end she didnt go, we weighed up the distress of A&E or a wait and see strategy ( which seems to have worked) but now l feel bad that l might have chosen something selfishly, luckily l didnt but trust me after a week of little sleep it was borderline.
I think the point l am trying to make is try not to feel bad, we have fleeting thoughts that come uninvited into our heads, a natural weighing up of any situation 'fight or flight' and l am almost positive that you had reaaons for feeling relief that it is finally over, l know l will when it eventually happens. Dementia is awful from both sides of the fence and l know given the choice mum wouldnt want to carry on for years like she is.
Be kind to yourself, take time to remember lovely times, its ok to miss someone so try not to dwell on the guilt, relief is understandable x
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
It’s totally normal to feel conflicted.... I lost my mum at the end of March this year. Take time to absorb it all. It is a relief as dementia is an awful illness that takes its toll on everything not only the poor person suffering from it but the family as well - as many people have said it is like a double bereavement of the person the pwd used to be & then when they pass away.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,867
South coast
I lost mum to dementia 2 years ago. It was as you say a relief, yet the loss was terrific and I felt numb for months.
I would say its pretty normal
 

htow9438

New member
Oct 10, 2019
2
Thank you all for replying and sharing. I will learn and try my best to learn and bounce back. I hope you all are doing ok too.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
1,942
Dorset
On hearing on Saturday afternoon that The Banjoman had died my first words were “Thank goodness for that”. Nobody in their right mind would want a loved one to continue the way he was. It was a relief to those who loved him, knowing he would have hated being in that condition if he had been aware of what was happening.
That hasn’t stopped me grieving for the person he was before LBD started to whittle away at him but I cannot be sad for the shell he had become.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,115
Scotland
I am living with this conflict at the moment as my husband is clearly dying but still alive and disappearing daily in small increments. Torn in every direction and powerless to do anything useful. I am most definitely out of my depth.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,835
I am living with this conflict at the moment as my husband is clearly dying but still alive and disappearing daily in small increments. Torn in every direction and powerless to do anything useful. I am most definitely out of my depth.
Just sending loving support. AliceA xxx
 

Littlebear

Registered User
Jan 6, 2017
95
I too am sorry to hear of your loss but your feelings are totally understandable. Day by day we see a little bit of our loved ones disappearing. Yesterday I realised my husband no longer knows how to wash his hands - just a small thing but another skill lost. We all know Dementia is a slow cruel death and when it comes I think many of us will understand the relief that it's over - for the PWD as well as the carer. I wish you all the best in the future both in accepting your feelings and in reclaiming your future.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,510
Kent
I lost my husband five and a half years ago. I still miss him but wouldn`t want him back for anything as ill as he was.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,624
Yorkshire
On hearing on Saturday afternoon that The Banjoman had died my first words were “Thank goodness for that”. Nobody in their right mind would want a loved one to continue the way he was. It was a relief to those who loved him, knowing he would have hated being in that condition if he had been aware of what was happening.
That hasn’t stopped me grieving for the person he was before LBD started to whittle away at him but I cannot be sad for the shell he had become.
Very understandable feelings.

@Banjomansmate - I am so sorry to hear your news. May he rest in peace.
Wishing you solace. xx
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,685
On hearing on Saturday afternoon that The Banjoman had died my first words were “Thank goodness for that”. Nobody in their right mind would want a loved one to continue the way he was. It was a relief to those who loved him, knowing he would have hated being in that condition if he had been aware of what was happening.
That hasn’t stopped me grieving for the person he was before LBD started to whittle away at him but I cannot be sad for the shell he had become.
sending love & light, hoping that you keep posting
Xxx
(((((Hugs)))))
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
796
Hi @htow9438, my condolences on your loss. Bereavement following dementia can be a very confusing time. I have to say your feelings are quite normal. I felt very numb for a long time after Mum's passing, in fact more tears were shed during the difficult years before when I witnessed Mum being gradually stripped away before my eyes (that is a form of bereavement), and of course the end of life experience. I wish you and your family all the best.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,604
Ireland
My condolences, @Banjomansmate . We'd never want our loved ones back as they were, when they were so ill, but that doesn't mean we don't grieve for their loss, and for their illness, and all it did to them and us.