1. htow9438

    htow9438 New member

    Oct 10, 2019
    2
    I just lost a loved one to dementia... I feel guilty for thinking that it's finally over, but I miss him too. I feel so conflicted. :( Has anyone felt this way before?
     
  2. PJ

    PJ Registered User

    Jan 26, 2017
    327
    Female
    Bristol
    I’m so sorry for your loss. This is not something I have experienced but I imagine it to be completely normal & fully understandable. Take care.
     
  3. Ohso

    Ohso Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    165
    I can only speak for myself but l am constantly looking at everything from all angles so feeling guilty comes with that. To give you an example, mum hurt her ankle earlier this week, bad enough to call an ambulance, anyway while waiting l was working through all the scenarios including ....if she goes into hospital at least l will get a good nights sleep.
    .in the end she didnt go, we weighed up the distress of A&E or a wait and see strategy ( which seems to have worked) but now l feel bad that l might have chosen something selfishly, luckily l didnt but trust me after a week of little sleep it was borderline.
    I think the point l am trying to make is try not to feel bad, we have fleeting thoughts that come uninvited into our heads, a natural weighing up of any situation 'fight or flight' and l am almost positive that you had reaaons for feeling relief that it is finally over, l know l will when it eventually happens. Dementia is awful from both sides of the fence and l know given the choice mum wouldnt want to carry on for years like she is.
    Be kind to yourself, take time to remember lovely times, its ok to miss someone so try not to dwell on the guilt, relief is understandable x
     
  4. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,084
    Female
    East Midlands
    It’s totally normal to feel conflicted.... I lost my mum at the end of March this year. Take time to absorb it all. It is a relief as dementia is an awful illness that takes its toll on everything not only the poor person suffering from it but the family as well - as many people have said it is like a double bereavement of the person the pwd used to be & then when they pass away.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,714
    Female
    South coast
    I lost mum to dementia 2 years ago. It was as you say a relief, yet the loss was terrific and I felt numb for months.
    I would say its pretty normal
     
  6. htow9438

    htow9438 New member

    Oct 10, 2019
    2
    Thank you all for replying and sharing. I will learn and try my best to learn and bounce back. I hope you all are doing ok too.
     
  7. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    1,244
    Female
    Dorset
    On hearing on Saturday afternoon that The Banjoman had died my first words were “Thank goodness for that”. Nobody in their right mind would want a loved one to continue the way he was. It was a relief to those who loved him, knowing he would have hated being in that condition if he had been aware of what was happening.
    That hasn’t stopped me grieving for the person he was before LBD started to whittle away at him but I cannot be sad for the shell he had become.
     
  8. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,607
    So sorry @Banjomansmate and I understand your feelings. I often feel that way. you need time so take your time. Hugs for you.
     
  9. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,893
    Female
    Scotland
    I am living with this conflict at the moment as my husband is clearly dying but still alive and disappearing daily in small increments. Torn in every direction and powerless to do anything useful. I am most definitely out of my depth.
     
  10. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,471
    Just sending loving support. AliceA xxx
     
  11. Littlebear

    Littlebear Registered User

    Jan 6, 2017
    68
    I too am sorry to hear of your loss but your feelings are totally understandable. Day by day we see a little bit of our loved ones disappearing. Yesterday I realised my husband no longer knows how to wash his hands - just a small thing but another skill lost. We all know Dementia is a slow cruel death and when it comes I think many of us will understand the relief that it's over - for the PWD as well as the carer. I wish you all the best in the future both in accepting your feelings and in reclaiming your future.
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,749
    Kent
    I lost my husband five and a half years ago. I still miss him but wouldn`t want him back for anything as ill as he was.
     
  13. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,336
    Yorkshire
    Very understandable feelings.

    @Banjomansmate - I am so sorry to hear your news. May he rest in peace.
    Wishing you solace. xx
     
  14. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,701
    sending love & light, hoping that you keep posting
    Xxx
    (((((Hugs)))))
     
  15. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    194
    Male
    Hi @htow9438, my condolences on your loss. Bereavement following dementia can be a very confusing time. I have to say your feelings are quite normal. I felt very numb for a long time after Mum's passing, in fact more tears were shed during the difficult years before when I witnessed Mum being gradually stripped away before my eyes (that is a form of bereavement), and of course the end of life experience. I wish you and your family all the best.
     
  16. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,529
    Ireland
    My condolences, @Banjomansmate . We'd never want our loved ones back as they were, when they were so ill, but that doesn't mean we don't grieve for their loss, and for their illness, and all it did to them and us.
     

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