1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

I didn't feel well....

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by maryjoan, Jun 17, 2019.

  1. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    South of the Border
    Saturday afternoon, I started to feel very, very tired but a friend called so I couldn't have a nap.
    By evening, I did not want my meal.
    He (PWD) did not notice either situation.
    I went to bed Sat night, and was woken by him going to bed at 2.AM - and I couldn't get back to sleep.
    Got up to give him meds and make his breakfast - I still had no appetite.
    I told him I was tired and going back to bed
    Carer came as usual - asked where I was, he just said 'in bed'
    I stayed in bed till lunchtime, made him his lunch, had some cornflakes, and fell asleep on the sofa.
    Dozed off and on all day.
    He was obviously sulking, because I was not playing the never ending scrabble with him.
    He never once asked how I was feeling.
    Made him his evening meal, had a couple of digestive biscuits myself.
    He stomped off because Antiques Roadshow was on followed by Gentleman Jack - both of which I enjoy.
    He came back still not speaking to me - I went to bed. He woke me up stomping around at 1AM and 5.30AM - I have been awake since 5.30AM now.

    And not once is he in the least bit concerned that I am off my food and exhausted - which
    makes me feel so 'used'.

    Just re enforces the fact that this disease makes it all 'about them' and not us.

  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    I think that is common @maryjoan. The only time my husband is anxious about me is when I walk backwards down the stair so as to guide him safely. The care is in there somewhere but the bits of brain dealing with that no longer functions.
  3. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    I hope you are feeling better today, @maryjoan . It is very disheartening when we realise that someone who "should" care and who would, once, have been very concerned when we are ill, now just have no concept of anyone's needs or issues, except their own. It's like a baby, in that a baby doesn't understand when its mother is ill or exhausted. It just understands that it needs full attention. But with an adult with dementia, even though our rational selves know that it's the dementia, there's part of us that just yearns for some sign that they care. Or that anyone cares. I hope you can have as restful a day as possible, and are soon back to full health.
  4. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    I hope you have sorted out why you have been feeling unwell and that you are now feeling better.

    I have just had a biopsy on a spot on my nose. I came home with a dressing on it and now the dressing has gone I have a large red raw area. Rudolph would be quite jealous if he could see it.

    My husband hasn't noticed a thing, has made no comment. I wonder if he would notice if I did something more like break an arm or maybe a leg!
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Yes, we all know its the dementia and their world narrows so much that all they can see is their own needs, wants and comforts, but it still feels like a slap in the face when it becomes so obvious. It is hard having to reduce our expectations and letting go of the person who would once have been concerned (even if they were unable to do anything), but that is what we have to do.
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    After being a carer the ability to be ill in peace is a luxury it never occurred to me to appreciate.

    The occasional times I was ill, my husband hovered around the bedroom and often woke me to ask if I was all right.

    Perhaps your OH`s sulkiness @maryjoan was his insecurity. He knew something was wrong, he didn`t know what to do about it so did nothing.

    I hope you are feeling better now.
  7. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    North West
    #7 Palerider, Jun 17, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2019
    Thats a fair rant. Two months ago I was very unwell and ended up vomitting all night into the morning with severe abdo pain. Mum got up for the loo, walked past me and then went back to bed with absoulutely no recognition there was a problem. By the morning I was exhausted and called the doctor out (which they agreed unusually), all mum could think about was going for a drive as it was such a nice day ....I couldn't believe it. Doctor came and off to hospital I went with mum asking if she could come too. No you can't!. I felt sorry for the neighbours, they had a heck of time while I was gone.
  8. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    Reading all your posts it brings back memories when I was ill as far back as 2002 when I had an operation for a cyst on my cervix and OH and daughter came to pick me up and he was unconcerned for me and asked me to help him put some blinds up in the kitchen and wouldn’t take no for an answer. My daughter helped him. He then said what’s for tea? I couldn’t believe his attitude. Another time around this time I was ill with with sickness and diarrhoea and fainted in the bathroom and was lying on the floor he just stepped over me and went to the toilet and then back to bed. When I was feeling better i challenged him about it and he said he didn’t know why he did that.

    At this time he was suffering from dizziness which the doctor couldn’t find a reason for it turned out to be bradycardia and did eventually have a pacemaker fitted in 2008 after collapsing serveral times.

    This uncaring behaviour though was there on and off from 2002. I never thought it could be dementia as he didn’t have noticeable memory problems. He is diagnosed with VD and Alzheimer’s but not until 2016 although it was noticeable from 2008 with certain memory issues and behaviour but not all the time.
  9. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    @Guzelle i had a similar experience. I had a small op to remove a polyp from my uterus and John picked me up next day in the car. He didn’t ask how I was or indeed what the op was for. I was furious and decided that age had robbed him of any social graces. With hindsight I think that too was an early sign of AD. There were so many!

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.