My husband died just over a month ago, in hospital. He had Parkinson’s for almost 15 years and was diagnosed with dementia 5 years ago. The last 15 months were the most difficult. He became incontinent at night and it was beginning to happen in the daytime too. He could sometimes be very difficult, almost aggressive and I was not as patient as I should have been. The change in his personality was heartbreaking. I had carers to help, but when I had to have a small operation the surgeon suggested I arrange a care home placement for respite, as I would be in plaster for a couple of weeks. It was not easy to find somewhere, but when we visited the home together, M seemed to accept it. I knew he wouldn’t like it, but assured him I would have him home again in 2 weeks. Unfortunately he fell while there, or something else happened, as when he came home he was complaining of pain. He was only home for 7 hours, when he fell a couple of times, and finally I could not get him up as the pain in his ribs was too bad. He went to hospital and it was discovered that he had broken ribs, followed by a chest infection. (I certainly complained to the Care home)
He had a final bout of aspiration pneumonia after 11 weeks in hospital. They were trying to get him moved to a community hospital, but he kept being medically unfit. There were only a few visits where he knew me and we could hug and talk with some semblance of normality. I knew where this was going and I thought I had prepared myself. I told myself this would be for the best, in so many ways.
Now he has gone and I miss him more than I would have believed possible. We were together for 57 years. I feel so guilty (for so many reasons). I feel that I should have cared more and told him that I loved him more. I now have all this freedom that I craved and it means nothing.
I know it is early days and I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience. When will I stop going over and over everything and wishing I could change things.
Impossible question….!
Kas
He had a final bout of aspiration pneumonia after 11 weeks in hospital. They were trying to get him moved to a community hospital, but he kept being medically unfit. There were only a few visits where he knew me and we could hug and talk with some semblance of normality. I knew where this was going and I thought I had prepared myself. I told myself this would be for the best, in so many ways.
Now he has gone and I miss him more than I would have believed possible. We were together for 57 years. I feel so guilty (for so many reasons). I feel that I should have cared more and told him that I loved him more. I now have all this freedom that I craved and it means nothing.
I know it is early days and I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience. When will I stop going over and over everything and wishing I could change things.
Impossible question….!
Kas