I crashed big time this morning

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by sammyb, Sep 30, 2007.

  1. sammyb

    sammyb Registered User

    Sep 19, 2007
    For 5 and a half months all I have tried to do is ensure my husband becomes as fit as he can possibly be. Since his spine collapsed necessitating the surgery and other medical procedures, my life has focussed solely on his getting physically well. The diagnosis of AD was devastating but still I have only thought about making sure he puts on weight etc..

    This morning my life seemed to go awry. During the week I am at work or visiting the hospital or doing washing and ironing. My life is, therefore, focussed and highly organised. But Sundays are different and always were. On Sundays my husband and I would sit and do the cryptic crosswords and basically chill out. This morning I was sitting doing the end of month bills and making sure that I put money into various savings accounts for our retirement. And then it hit me. No cryptic crosswords, no chill out and what the heck was I doing tinkering about with savings accounts now for?! Would we ever get to go to the allotment -another thing for our retirement? And then this overwhelming feeling of sadness washed over and I felt sorry for me and for the retirement we wont have as we had planned. Sadness for me?!!!!! What the heck was I doing feeling sorry for me. And then the guilt of feeling that made things worse. So Grannie G - your kinds thoughts on me coping so well and your admiration will have disappeared somewhat I think.

    love from Sammyb
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Sammy, I'm not surprised you feel sad today. We all have days when it hits us right between the eyes. It's the loss of the person we love, of the future we had planned together, the whole of life as we knew it.

    Don't feel guilty, you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel the loss. Yes, feel sorry for your husband too, as we all feel sorry for our loved ones. They've lost so much too, but you're suffering your own loss, and it hurts.

    You are coping well, and you'll continue to cope well. Just give yourself a break for today, have some time to do whatever you want to do, hang the housework and the accounts.

    You deserve it.:)

    Love and hugs,
  3. Cliff

    Cliff Registered User

    Jun 29, 2007
    North Wales
    Hello Sammy,

    Easier for me as we had already started our retirement before AD entered our lives.

    But the pit that I slide into now and again is just as black and horrid - and walking out through the front door sometimes seems attractive.

    But as we know, we care because we love someone. Even when it's really black there will be a switch by something said, a look given or something and a laugh and the black disappears and back we go.

    You know all this, just as we do but it's a bit difficult to believe at times.

    Well, it's time to do the carrots, parsnips, lay the table, make the stuffing and the gravy - love to you
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Sammy.
    The quote above doesn`t mean you`re giving up does it? You are not giving up on your husband, or your lives, and you will take whatever`s thrown at you and get on with it. So the admiration is still there.

    You are entitled to feel sorry for yourself, as you feel sorry for your husband. You are entitled to regret the plans you made for retirement are unlikely to come true.

    We struggled all our lives for this shangri-la retirement and just about managed a couple of long haul holidays, but even those were under the shadow of Alzheimers.

    Now all the responsibility is yours, no more sharing. That`s the hardest part, whether it`s a crossword or paying the bills. So if you despair, it`s justified.

    But don`t give up. Your husband needs you as you would need him if the situation was reversed.

    Off load on TP as often as you want. We have all done it and we have all been supported. That`s what it`s here for. Our virtual friend. :)

    Take care

    Love xx
  5. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Hello Sammy:

    We all go through these desperate moments. BUT we do what we do for LOVE. In our hearts we know if the position were reversed our loved ones would be doing it for us.

    You will keep on coping for as long as it takes. Keep posting both with the good bits and the bad - we are hear to listen and share with you. It is the very point of TP - helping us to get through the desperation with both tears for joy and sadness.

    Chin up Best wishes Jan
  6. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Sammy,just sending my best wishes and love for you both.That overwhelming feeling is a killer,and you have been a star in your coping mechanism.There will always be a day you feel that the bottom has dropped from yopur world.But there will be more days that make you smile.love elainex
  7. Bristolbelle

    Bristolbelle Registered User

    Aug 18, 2006
    the plans we had...

    Sammy I think I can understand your distress quite well, you see I have had my hopes and dreams dashed too, and yet in that dark dark could there are here and there brighter days. My daughter was diagnosed with hydrocephalus and spina bifida
    when she was 6 years old, she also has a host of psycholgical problems and in some ways it is as hard looking after her as it is caring for someone with AD. We dreamed of our beautiful daughter and a white wedding - but it's unlikely she will cope with that kind of independence. We dreamed of a girl who succeeded at school and university maybe even became "famous" in some way - but it is not to be. Then both children were struck down with a chronic pain condition. My lad was in a wheelchair for several months the prognosis poor. Yet now he is in his second year at college, and is this very week working for "casualty" as an extra, and has appeared on TV several times and has high hopes of an acting career.
    Yes we grieved we grieved for the fact my son will never be able to go in the forces as he had wished - but then I felt relief knowing I will never know the terror of the knock on the door from a families officer bearing bad news. We grieve almost daily or every opportunity my daughter misses, but we celebrate and appreciate every success a thousand time more than "average" parents because it is such an achievement for her.
    What I am trying to say is that you will feel sadness, bitterness, anger.... but there will be many times when you will have a reason to smile too. Hang in there don't feel guilty about losing it occasionally your doing the job of an angel, but someone hasn't realised your actually only human.
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Bristolbelle, thank you so much for your post. What a lot you've had to cope with in your life, and yet you remain so positive. I'm sure you have your bad days, like the rest of us, but you have managed to find a way through them.

    And I'm sure you're as proud as punch of your son and daughter, and what they have manage to achieve, in spite of all.

    I wish you all every health and happiness.

  9. Petrus

    Petrus Registered User

    Aug 7, 2007
    Welcome to the Club

    I guess we all crash big time; I know that I do.

    My wife (J.) and I also had a very different retirement organised. We should have been packing to go for our autumn holiday in the sun starting next week; we never got to see our time-share in the Carribean; I have just had to give up my voluntary work with UNICEF and we no longer have the chance to visit countries around the world as I do the work; J. had to give up her voluntary work on bereavement counselling; etc. etc. etc.

    On the "Younger people with dementia" site there is a current thread in which people of our son's age are discussing the difficulty of coping with a "young" parent who is diagnosed with AD. The children can crash as well.

    Our son and his wife noted right at the start that I was like two people in dealing with J's illness. When I am dealing with the practical issues I am in "project mode"; then I am fine and can talk and operate easily, quickly and decisively. When I am dealing with my feelings, I am hopeless - at least that is how I feel. (It is kind of hard to do anything meaningful when the tears are flowing). We have decided that we will try to keep the two "people" separated - don't want tears messing up all those forms that have to be handled - but we will honour and give quality time to both. (Our son also recognises that he is like two people and that that is just fine. Our DIL is also good at projects; she feels the pain of all three of us and is incredibly supportive).
  10. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Dear Sammy,
    Sorry that you are feeling so down try not to be so hard on your self you have had a lot to contend with of late. A Alzheimer's diagnosis in it's self is a lot to digest and it's only normal that memories at times will trigger sadness. You'll experience times that are overwhelming and you'll find strengths also. I hope that the days ahead are brighter for you. Regards Taffy.:) :)

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