Hi everyone,
I could really do with some advice.
Some quick background information. I live with my elderly parents, my Father is 86 and has dementia along with several other conditions including COPD, prostrate cancer etc, he also is fairly deaf and my Mother is 74, very set in her ways. My mum for the main part cares for my father. I work full time albeit from home at the moment and I do all the running around for them. Like a lot of elderly people they have allowed the house to deteriorate...
My issue is that my Mother is not coping at all well with my fathers decline. In short, she thinks he is "putting it on". The biggest issue is the toilet problems, my Dad has had a problem with his bowels for a long time, but now due to the dementia and also the fact that he is slowing down, he constantly has accidents, messing himself almost every time he goes to the toilet. Worst still he no longer remembers to clean himself. My mother gets extremely upset about it all. At night when he gets up, he sits on the toilet until she comes to get him, often as he sits on the toilet he scratches his legs until they bleed. Over the past few months, I am guessing mainly due to lack of sleep, my mother has started to scream at him (night or day) when these accidents happen, berating him, calling him names, shouting orders at him, telling him he is breaking her, etc etc and she seems to be getting more aggressive about it. I have tried talking to her.. but all she says is that is her way of copying, that she cant help it and that she shouts because he cant hear. I've made various suggestions, about buying him depend pants - but she says this will be worse. I've suggested we go speak to the doctor, but she says she already has and he wont do anything (I am not sure this is true). I've suggested that maybe its time that we look at a home for him. But she told me its too soon and that to do this we would need to sell the house and pay for his care.... (she has always worried about money as my father was self employed).
We need help, but I don't seem to be able to get her to do anything. There is so much that needs to be done, not only for my fathers health and welfare, but also around the house, currently there is no flooring down in any of the rooms, we need new toilets. The house is really not set up for caring for someone with the kind of needs my father now has.
My mother is a very difficult to handle - I tried to get my sisters involved (I have three) but they don't seem to understand how bad things are getting. Its all getting a bit much, especially as I am also not getting any sleep. I find these episodes with my mum screaming at him very upsetting. Often when this happens at night, I cant get back to sleep for worrying. Worrying about how she is treating my dad, worrying about her health, that she will give herself a heart attack, that she might hurt him in rage.
So what do I do? To me its feels like abuse, and if I heard a carer talking to him like this I would report it. But I know she is very stressed, and that all these changes in my Dad have come as a shock to her. Maybe its because I am too close to the situation, but anything I say is taken the wrong way. I want to help and have thought about going to the doctor and speaking to someone about it... but if I go behind her back it could cause more issues. I feel extremely trapped.... and don't know what to do for the best.... I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions. Thank you
I could really do with some advice.
Some quick background information. I live with my elderly parents, my Father is 86 and has dementia along with several other conditions including COPD, prostrate cancer etc, he also is fairly deaf and my Mother is 74, very set in her ways. My mum for the main part cares for my father. I work full time albeit from home at the moment and I do all the running around for them. Like a lot of elderly people they have allowed the house to deteriorate...
My issue is that my Mother is not coping at all well with my fathers decline. In short, she thinks he is "putting it on". The biggest issue is the toilet problems, my Dad has had a problem with his bowels for a long time, but now due to the dementia and also the fact that he is slowing down, he constantly has accidents, messing himself almost every time he goes to the toilet. Worst still he no longer remembers to clean himself. My mother gets extremely upset about it all. At night when he gets up, he sits on the toilet until she comes to get him, often as he sits on the toilet he scratches his legs until they bleed. Over the past few months, I am guessing mainly due to lack of sleep, my mother has started to scream at him (night or day) when these accidents happen, berating him, calling him names, shouting orders at him, telling him he is breaking her, etc etc and she seems to be getting more aggressive about it. I have tried talking to her.. but all she says is that is her way of copying, that she cant help it and that she shouts because he cant hear. I've made various suggestions, about buying him depend pants - but she says this will be worse. I've suggested we go speak to the doctor, but she says she already has and he wont do anything (I am not sure this is true). I've suggested that maybe its time that we look at a home for him. But she told me its too soon and that to do this we would need to sell the house and pay for his care.... (she has always worried about money as my father was self employed).
We need help, but I don't seem to be able to get her to do anything. There is so much that needs to be done, not only for my fathers health and welfare, but also around the house, currently there is no flooring down in any of the rooms, we need new toilets. The house is really not set up for caring for someone with the kind of needs my father now has.
My mother is a very difficult to handle - I tried to get my sisters involved (I have three) but they don't seem to understand how bad things are getting. Its all getting a bit much, especially as I am also not getting any sleep. I find these episodes with my mum screaming at him very upsetting. Often when this happens at night, I cant get back to sleep for worrying. Worrying about how she is treating my dad, worrying about her health, that she will give herself a heart attack, that she might hurt him in rage.
So what do I do? To me its feels like abuse, and if I heard a carer talking to him like this I would report it. But I know she is very stressed, and that all these changes in my Dad have come as a shock to her. Maybe its because I am too close to the situation, but anything I say is taken the wrong way. I want to help and have thought about going to the doctor and speaking to someone about it... but if I go behind her back it could cause more issues. I feel extremely trapped.... and don't know what to do for the best.... I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions. Thank you
