My grandma had a diagnosis 2 years ago and has just recently become... challenging. my grandparents have been married 55 years and i now receive phone calls round the clock from my grandad and i understand dementia due to working in an EMI unit... But i had to go and visit last thursday and to watch her attack him was heartbreaking. We’ve decided to try her in respite for a week but she still has capacity so she is very confused to why she is there. Sometimes i wish she was “fully gone” and “unaware” or “doesn’t have a clue” because it would be so much easier to deal with. she’s in the right hands now but i’m more worried about my grandad he’s never been alone and i’m just struggling with work and constantly worrying about my grandparents, he wants her home but he won’t cope not when she starts going off and not recognising my grandad and saying “i don’t live here” we’ve been advised to stay away from the care home until she settles but that’s the thing... she’s not settling she wants to come home?? I want to go and visit tomorrow but is this going to confuse her more? my grandad will literally bring her home and it’s not the best idea but what can i do??? please help me anybody i’m not coping i’m depressed and just so so heartbroken at the moment, i haven’t been to work all weekend because my heads not in the right place. Caring for people with dementia is fine but when it comes to your own family i’m now looking at my residents so so differently and becoming so emotional. please where do we go from here? she still has capacity but she’s too much to have at home
I care for people with dementia but now my grandma has it i’m not coping
- Thread starter Rachelb98
- Start date
Welcome to DTP @Rachelb98
The manager at my dad's carehome said the same as you. She found it easy to deal with PWD on a professional basis but when her mum got it it was very difficult.
I often hear people being advised to let their loved ones settle before visiting so perhaps it would be best to give your grandma a few more days. For now perhaps you can concentrate on supporting your Grandad. You obviously realise how difficult it will be for him.
Your grandma's in the best place for now. Is there any chance of her meds being reviewed while she's in respite to see if she can be made calmer so your grandad can cope?
Hopefully in time being able to empathize with the families and those in the carehomes will make you one of the best carers but I understand how difficult it is for you right now.
The manager at my dad's carehome said the same as you. She found it easy to deal with PWD on a professional basis but when her mum got it it was very difficult.
I often hear people being advised to let their loved ones settle before visiting so perhaps it would be best to give your grandma a few more days. For now perhaps you can concentrate on supporting your Grandad. You obviously realise how difficult it will be for him.
Your grandma's in the best place for now. Is there any chance of her meds being reviewed while she's in respite to see if she can be made calmer so your grandad can cope?
Hopefully in time being able to empathize with the families and those in the carehomes will make you one of the best carers but I understand how difficult it is for you right now.
Hi @Bunpoots thank you for replying, my manager has told me I’m the best possible person to have work where I do due to me understanding from all points of views.. but I can’t be my best when I’m constantly worrying, I look at my residents and think... this is my grandma in years to come, families visit and I see the pain in their eyes and think how? How do you do this?
It’s so tough, I’ve tried to get my grandad to make plans to take his mind off it but he’s refusing to see me, he wants to now go tomorrow to visit her but she’s only been in there Thursday and that was a challenge trying to get her to go.. they stupidly let her phone him yesterday and she was begging and crying to come home, so that lead to her having a very unsettled night.
He wants to bring her home Thursday when I’m off work and I genuinely think we won’t get her to go back there. All I’m worried about is my grandad has had a week stress free let’s say is this going to send him into shock and him end up dying of a heart attack? He knows he has to leave her to settle even though she’s begging to come home but when she’s home she wants to go ‘home’ so what is home to her?
I’m going to just agree and let him bring her out for the day but i can guarantee it will end in us frog marching her back to the care home. My grandma used to be a nurse so she knows deep down what is happening to her and she knows she has dementia she sits and says ‘I hate being like this’ it must be so hard and scary for her because yes she does go through the whole ‘I don’t know you I want to go home’ but she’s still with it she’s 50/50 and it’s sooooo tough I wish she wasn’t with it at times I know it sounds horrible but it would be so much easier.
My grandads only going to do what he feels is right so I have to just be there to support him I suppose, he’s accepting it’s only going to get worse but then going against what he’s saying and thinks if he brings her home she’s going to be fine again? What can I do. I suffer with anxiety anyway and I can feel my mental health going down and down but I have to work and I have to support my family and I just feel I can’t escape from dementia!
It’s so tough, I’ve tried to get my grandad to make plans to take his mind off it but he’s refusing to see me, he wants to now go tomorrow to visit her but she’s only been in there Thursday and that was a challenge trying to get her to go.. they stupidly let her phone him yesterday and she was begging and crying to come home, so that lead to her having a very unsettled night.
He wants to bring her home Thursday when I’m off work and I genuinely think we won’t get her to go back there. All I’m worried about is my grandad has had a week stress free let’s say is this going to send him into shock and him end up dying of a heart attack? He knows he has to leave her to settle even though she’s begging to come home but when she’s home she wants to go ‘home’ so what is home to her?
I’m going to just agree and let him bring her out for the day but i can guarantee it will end in us frog marching her back to the care home. My grandma used to be a nurse so she knows deep down what is happening to her and she knows she has dementia she sits and says ‘I hate being like this’ it must be so hard and scary for her because yes she does go through the whole ‘I don’t know you I want to go home’ but she’s still with it she’s 50/50 and it’s sooooo tough I wish she wasn’t with it at times I know it sounds horrible but it would be so much easier.
My grandads only going to do what he feels is right so I have to just be there to support him I suppose, he’s accepting it’s only going to get worse but then going against what he’s saying and thinks if he brings her home she’s going to be fine again? What can I do. I suffer with anxiety anyway and I can feel my mental health going down and down but I have to work and I have to support my family and I just feel I can’t escape from dementia!
Hi.I used to work with people with dementia but gave it up to look after dad(PWD VD).
It really drains you when it’s your own family.My dad is very “self aware “and refuses to go into a home.
He has carers in 4times a day.I’m with him 4 days a week.
It sounds like he is in denial.He really does need to let her settle.Sometimes you need to step back from a situation to see it clearly.She went in for a reason as your grandad couldn’t cope.So if he goes to get her then it is down to him.
You are not responsible for them.(We all feel we are responsible for our PWD)even though we aren’t.It is called the “guilt monster “on here.
As you are feeling stressed from your grandads calls maybe put it on answerphone?
It is exceptionally hard to seperate ourselves from work to caring for someone we love, and I think the most difficult as a professional and swapping to a personal level of caring. I am afraid to say you do have to stand back on some things as painful emotionally as that may be and I am with you on this one as its tough. You can't be of help to either parties until you have the chance to settle and think things over without feeling pressured, despite all of what you know. Give yourself the chance to breath for a moment, remove yourself from work and think. When you have done that then you can allow yourself to move forward objectively but not subjectively and then you will be able to help in a way you didn't see before even if that means one step forward and two steps back
Working as a professional is very, very different from dealing with a relative because the emotional bond changes your perception. Try and step back emotionally and say to yourself - if this were a resident in my EMI unit, what would I do?
"Home" is a state of mind - its expresses a desire to go back to a time and/or place of safety before dementia and all the confusion. Quite often, if you ask them what home is like, what they describe is a childhood home.
@TNJJ thankyou, and i really would put him to answerphone but i can’t i feel so so so guilty. I’m back at work tomorrow and i’m hoping i can just keep busy. The home has rang today and advised him not to go and see her as she had a very unsettled night so i’ve suggested he just drops some home comforts off and we will both go thursday so we shall see i suppose!
@Palerider Im trying i really am, ive been off work for 3 days now and being at home is sending me insane because i have the time to think... my grandads refusing to see anybody he just wants to be alone i suppose and i’m back to work tomorrow so i hope i don’t overdo it and end up in a mess i’m hoping it keeps me busy!
Each person is different in how they cope. I have found through time that sometimes I prefer to be at work and kept busy and other times away from work so I can deal with issues that routinely (these days) crop up. Thinking time and anxiety are two very different things. I am sure in time that feeling will pass as things settle more and you come to terms with the reality. Give yourself time to adjust, it won't happen overnight. Lots of things will race through your mind, take it easy
