I care for my mother with alzheimers I need some advice

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by mumov4, Apr 10, 2015.

  1. mumov4

    mumov4 Registered User

    Apr 10, 2015
    I care for my 82 year old mother with alzheimers she does a lot for herself but I cook main meal as she tends to leave cooker on .the thing I am really struggling with is she constantly acuses me of taking her money taking her mail I go back and foward to her house four times a day I also am a single mum to 4 children and have to help my brother who has severe learning difficulties as my mum was his carer until she was diagnosed with dementia I just feel pulled I so many ways I do have other sibling's but all I get when I ask for help is They say that they work so can't help
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    The accusations of theft are quite common.

    Contact GP & social services about getting carers in to give her meals etc.

    Does your brother have carers? If not ask for help with him too.
  3. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    I agree with Cat this is typical of the condition. You need to request all the help you can get.
  4. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    Middle England
    Hello Mumov4,
    I care for my mum who has AZ. I can honestly say that for several months, each and every day, my mum accused me of stealing from her. It ranged from small things like tea towels to larger items like her car (selling it to our friends and not giving her the money) to pieces of furniture.
    She had happily sold the car and then pieces of furniture (when she came to live with us and no longer needed them) but cannot remember the events of three years ago. Nevertheless she was (and still is sometimes) adamant that I am a wicked thief of a daughter telling her lies.
    I have tried to explain - but that approach is hopeless and just fuels her fire, and makes me very anxious, upset and yes, angry - not at her but at her alzheimer's brain that has taken over rational thought. Now I try to recognise when her thought patterns are heading in the "YOU ARE A THIEF!!!!" direction and either deflect or walk away, on a task outside her presence and hope that the cloud blows over by the time I return.

    You have a great deal on your plate, I have a hubby & 2 teenage children so I have support - you need help now. Please do contact your local authority and see if carer visits can be arranged - use phrases like "she is a vulnerable adult" "I feel that I am being overwhelmed".
    I found my local doctor (and the surgery nurse) a great support and they did help getting the practical help in place - do try this.

    You are not alone - far from it.
    Do let us know how you get on.
    - Twiddler x
  5. mumov4

    mumov4 Registered User

    Apr 10, 2015
    my brother has a carer go in 3 times a week .I went to GP before and was told try to overlook accusations as it's just the illness but this is really hard as my mum and I were so close before
  6. mumov4

    mumov4 Registered User

    Apr 10, 2015
    Thank you for your advice I have made appointment with my GP For next week but last time I went was told to overlook accusations as it is just the illness it's so hard I feel that I am losing my mum each day and I am powerless to do anything to stop it will let u know how it goes x
  7. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Then I would possibly not mention it again - if it's something the GP doesn't 'rate' as an issue - when obviously he/she should be realising it's how it's making you feel that's important - then don't give them the opportunity to fob you off with "just ignore it, it's part of the illness" again. Focus more on the unrealistic and unsustainable demands on your time without some proper care being put in place for your Mum. Four visits a day when you have four young children and another dependent relative isn't a fair situation and cannot be expected to continue indefinitely - if carers can come in to do meals with your Mum twice/three times a day and you just go once a day that would at least reduce your exposure to her accusations and give more time for your children/husband/own life.

    Social Services will always opt for the easy/cost free route to care - ie. relatives doing it all whenever possible but we, as the family, have NO obligation to care for someone else, there is no law that says we have to. It's hard because we have that in built obligation of love that tells us we should do it all but 'looking after' someone doesn't have to mean doing it yourself - getting proper, professional care in place for Mum still means you are looking after her but you can physically take a step back for your own self preservation.

    Good luck.
  8. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    I have yet to do this myself but I think you should ask for a carer's assessment from Social Services as you are the main carer for your mum.

    Also we have a lovely lady from the Alzheimers support who visits mum twice a week and takes her out if she is up to it.

    Also get in touch with Carers point and get an emergency plan set up as if you were unable to visit due to an emergency they provide full time care for 72 hours. Say you were struck down with flu or something.

    Age UK provide a befriending service if that would take the pressure off a bit.

    I would recommend taking up all offers of help as you have far too much to cope with and you need to look after yourself too.
  9. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    I would second all of that - say Yes to everything that's available - you can always cancel something after a while if it doesn't suit but it is so much easier to be 'in the system' than outside and struggling along alone.

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