I care for my grandma who suffers with Alzhiemers.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Danielle1990, Feb 18, 2015.

  1. Danielle1990

    Danielle1990 Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    7
    I have been a carer for 6 years now and love my job but now have started to care for my grandma in the past couple of years as my grandad passed away and Her alzhiemers has got worse. She has had it 4 years now. I know all there is to know about it as Iv been a carer for alzhiemers for 6 years and have had all the training but am finding it very tough with it being a family member. Everytime I leave I have that feeling of guilt should I have stayed longer? My grandma is constantly on my mind I don't have any time for my self as im always worrying about her which is getting me down. Then as her alzhiemers is progressing she has started to shout at me and be nasty, which I know happens with alzhiemers but as its my grandma im finding it very difficult and don't know how to go about it. She's become very nasty about family members, always calling them which gets me down. Does anyone have advice as im only 24 and it's really making my life a misery, my emotions are all over the place and im always feeling very down.
     
  2. Pumpkin12

    Pumpkin12 Registered User

    Oct 16, 2014
    69
    Hi there :)
    Iv found TP very helpful and supportive over this last year since joining I hope you find that too :) it's very good for letting off steam and every one is very supportive :) I just wanted to say hi :) you'll find a lot of people on here suffer with the guilt monsters I'm a full time carer for my partners grandad and it gets very difficult at times so must be even harder for you wen its your granma and a close loved one does your grandma go to any day centres for stimulation and to give you a break ?? Grandad to has his "nasty" moments like you say the best thing I do is to walk out in another room give it a couple of minutes then go back usually his forgotten and moved on to something else by then :) I'm also only 24 :) hopefully some one else will have some sergestions soon keep your chin up all you can do is your best :)


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  3. Danielle1990

    Danielle1990 Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    7
    Thank you so much for responding it means a lot! I don't feel as though I have many people around to talk about it to that's why I thought joining this would be good. It's really nice to know someone of the same age is doin something like this for a family member. I honestly do try my best to walk out the room but she walks in and carries it on, calls different family members including my mum and it's so hurtful. She's on an alzhiemers tablet to slow it down so even though she's had it 4-5 years she isn't that bad so wouldn't forget as quick as me walking out for a few mins. When I go the next day she will bring it up again. No she doesn't go to any day centres or anything, she's very stubborn, as much as I try and persuade her she just doesn't want to, she just wants to go out with me all the time, or her son (my dad) .. I take her out all the time to whever ever she likes but where as a quick half hour shop for me would be about 4/5 hours with her and it's hard for me when I have another job along side, im only limited. She kind of takes advantage a little as she has friends and a sister who drives and won't use them for help she just wants me and it puts a lot of pressure on me. Does your partners dad go to day centres? :)








     
  4. Miss shiraz

    Miss shiraz Registered User

    Dec 24, 2014
    79
    Midlands
    #4 Miss shiraz, Feb 18, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2015
    My 84 yo MIL has Alz, she won't go to a day centre or do any dementia related activities as she's not old and doesn't have dementia, so she tells us.. its just that she can't remember things.
    She's run rings round us over the years and last year when she was diagnosed we tried to help as much as possible, we both work full time and had no time for ourselves. This year we've adopted a tough love approach, not gone over to visit every day, arranged meals on wheels for 2 or 3 days a week (another pair if eyes to check all is ok) and organised a few people to help... sometimes she just needs to be told and not asked. Another tactic we use is to give her 2 simple options and let her chose which, but both options are favourable to us. She sometimes needs to be jollied along and told the positives so she can see it is a good idea.
    you can't do everything all the time, work and have a life yourself. Your dad also needs to support you on this and get some help from those folk that are willing and able to help her (and you!), if they are true friends they will be pleased that they can help.
    good luck, keep posting and ranting if you need to. There's loads of folk with lots of experience and advice to offer :)

    Ps... Also with Alz, they lose the ability to organise their life, so you are probably the easy/first option for her. Therefore you organising people to take her off to places and tell her, may work but you'll probably need to be firm with her, tell her you're unable to take her cos of xyz but you've arranged for 'friend/sister' to take her instead. They'll pick you up at xx time........ They like routine too, so maybe you have become her automatic 'go to' person, as you're so accommodating then she asks again and again, but instead you could manage and arrange, but not do all the running around?.
     
  5. Pumpkin12

    Pumpkin12 Registered User

    Oct 16, 2014
    69
    Bless you it can be really hard not having people to talk to and go to for support, like you I don't either. That's why Iv found TP so great people actually understand what I'm going thro and can relate to instead of the 'oh dear' then moving on. Your the first person iv spoken to that is the same age as me yay :) Has grandma got a favourite thing to do ?? Maybe a puzzle or cuppa, when she's having a moment have you tried changing the subject or can you just help me with this, thats a good one with grandad he thinks his helping then :) grandad was the same very stubborn wouldn't go to a centre in the end I sorted a visit and just took him, he now loves it and goes two days a week its amazing :D I think you deffinately need to prioritise some 'you' time especially if you have another job too and do some deligating :D if there are other family members willing to help get them more involved to take some of the pressure off. Not only that if you become ill or unavailable for some reason your grandma will need back up and support from others she can't always rely on you for everything we're young and still want a life of are own too . :D take care


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  6. Danielle1990

    Danielle1990 Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    7


    Very kind of you to respond thank you so much! My dad and family are very supportive. My dad has his own business so can't be there all the time but goes 3 evenings after work and takes her shopping every Sunday. So the set up was I go monday to Friday mornings to do tablets, make sure ahe eats, take her out if she wants, and do housework. Which for the past two years has worked out fine but as she's getting worse she's taking advantage of me, always asks why are U rushing off what have u got to rush off for? Wants to no where im going or what im doing, even tho she noes I have two other care jobs. She won't eat unless I eat with her so if I have eaten before going if I'm hungry she will not eat when I arrive and gets annoyed that Iv eaten, asks me exactly what Iv eaten n says wether she believes me or not. It used to be so enjoyable but as she's got worse she just isn't making it enjoyable, she isn't a lonely lady she has a massive family and some friends but just puts everyone off from going round, only wants me and dad which isn't fair because it's draining us completely! I think the best way is to maybe just pop in briefly for important things like medication, then ask her sister who drives to do hosp/ docs appointments and take her out, as she has all the time in the world and I can't do everything. I think a little help from friends and family is a great idea but she just seems to put them off! I'll just have to be firm and not let her rule me or shout at me. Iv also tried the meals on wheels and she refuses, she's very stubborn and won't let any one help properly xx your situation sounds very similar, how did you go about the change in things? Was she ok with it all straight away? X
     
  7. Danielle1990

    Danielle1990 Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    7

    Aww so nice for the both of us then :) erm well my grandma does help with jobs and stuff as she likes to be independent, I Hoover and she will polish the sides n stuff. And her fave thing to do is go out shopping, spending money haha! Which I try to do as much as I can and my dad takes her food shopping every Sunday, she always gets out n about but it's never enough for her. She thinks I'm there for her all day even knowing Iv got two other care jobs and my own place to attend to, a boyfriend and my friends I never see, she's kind of become selfish in a sense that she puts all the other family off from coming and only wants mine or my dads company which we can't do all day everyday. I tried to change the subject today when she became nasty but she remembered 5 mins later and carried it on again so I just said right im going now I will see you tomorrow. Just going to have to start doing that maybe or say I'm nipping out to a shop or something. I may just plan a day centre visit and tell her im taking her to see if she likes it or not. I know it would definitely do her good and while she can still get out and about she may aswell. Would do her good and me good! I just need to be firm when she's being stubborn. But then she goes round to people telling them I shout at her which I would never dream of. What would U say I do about her only wanting me and my dad and putting other family members off? X
     
  8. Miss shiraz

    Miss shiraz Registered User

    Dec 24, 2014
    79
    Midlands
    Oh Danielle you definitely need to get others to help out. You're going to fall over!
    No MIL wasn't keen on changes at first, but we've had to be really firm but fair, but also kind as i know you will be. I was ill with cold/flu bug over xmas and it took me 6 weeks to get over it so was determined something HAD to change.
    Meals on wheels - arranged for free trial meal when we knew she'd be at home, told her and enthused how good it would be, 'oh i wish soneone would deliver a hot meal to me', they look delicious etc etc. She tried a few and now has 2/3 a week, now admits its very good.
    Her friends /sister .. probably need to be briefed on the situation so they can support. She has a choice.... go out with them or wait til you can go.
    firm but fair... easy for me to say i know. Give it a go and see what happens... hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised... and relieved. Remember it doesn't mean you don't care xx
     
  9. Pumpkin12

    Pumpkin12 Registered User

    Oct 16, 2014
    69
    Its definitely good for me too :D I'm glad your grandma is motivated, likes to help out with chors, getting involved and still enjoys going out and shopping :D. Well done to you for changing the subject, then sticking to your guns and leaving when grandma continued on her moment, as long as she is safe of course :). Everyone on here call it tough love well done you though, it's very easy to say but a lot lot harder to do. :) I would definitely suggest a day centre, if you ring up the Alzheimer's society they can give you your branch number and ask them about day centres and dementia cafes in your area :D that's what I done they were really helpful and sent me loads of info. Grandad was also really stubborn wouldn't go to any centres, I just rang up and booked a visit. The first time I left him there I snuck out the door and they told grandad I'd gone shopping, this worked best as he would never have stayed if I said I was going. He now goes two days a week and loves it :D don't worry about what other people think you know your doing your best and I'm sure they do too, and if any one wants to question that tell them to take over, my experience is they will shut up quite quickly :D hehe. Maybe try having some one else who is willing to help there for a cuppa And build it up to you just popping to the 'shops or docs', building the time up half and hour then up to an hour then eventually saying so and so is taking you out today as you've got the dentist or something. Also building your grandmas trust and confidence in others and that they can help to and do the things like what you do with her. Anything that will help you to ease the load and take some of the pressure off. Especially if some thing were to happen to you, if you were poorly or unavailable your grandma needs to be able to rely on and trust others too. hope you've had as good a day as can be :) take care :)


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  10. Danielle1990

    Danielle1990 Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    7
    Firm but fair sounds like a good idea! I'm definitely going to have to make some changes and just think about my self abit more. Even if it's just a quick pop in call one day it shows I care because Iv been and checked on her. I'm going to speak to her sister and tell her to just turn up even when she tries to put her off. That way there's more visitors and more option of people for her to go out with. Need to get more into a routine of involving others so she noes it can't just be me and my dad all the time! Fingers crossed it all gets better. Thank you for all Ur kind words and helpful advice it means a lot it's really nice to be able to talk to someone about it all x
     
  11. Danielle1990

    Danielle1990 Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    7

    Yes your totally correct I need to think along the lines of if I go on holiday or if I'm poorly. I need to get more of the fam involved and no there's always back up because Iv always felt like I can't go away but it shouldn't be that way! I'm definitely going to look into day centres! Because If she was to go there for a few hours Id still be seeing her to take her and pick her up but Id get that break inbetween! So it still shows I care but with a bit of me time also. How often do you care for Ur partners grandad? X
     
  12. Pumpkin12

    Pumpkin12 Registered User

    Oct 16, 2014
    69
    Yes deffinately :) I'm really pleased your going to get others in to help and support you :D maybe you could get in to a routine for the sister to come in once a week don't take no for an answer from grandma hehe, on the same day every week, for a cuppa tea or for dinner if the sister or others happy to do this, that way grandma will stick to a routine. I always find grandad is better when he sticks to his routine. Any way grandma will get used to it and may enjoy it saying tomorrow is Monday so the sister will be here. It gives grandma something to look forward to aswell if others are happy to do this. :D if you would like any help with day centres or advice I don't no everything, far from it but I'm happy to try and help you. Of course you care your trying our very best and can't do any more then that. :) I care full time for grandad 24/7 my lovely breaks where I can go out and escape just me to do what I want are on a wed and a Friday when grandads at the centre :) I do have my partner here helping but I'm the main carer. My lovely family will help out where they can to, my mum is my rock I'm forever ringing her up and chewing her ear off bless her :) take care x


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  13. Danielle1990

    Danielle1990 Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    7
    Awww wow arnt you just amazing! Do you have to sleep over and stuff? This point will come for me when I'm my grandmas full time carer but for now it's just monday to Friday daytime she seems ok in eves and then fam go at weekends. She's in a good routine at the moment with me going monday to Friday, my cousin every sat and she noes every Sunday my dad will take her food shopping, but that extra little helping hand from her sister would be great to give me that little break during the week as with me having other jobs it's hard to fit time in for anything else. Her sister drives and is living alone so they could do loads together as she has the time! She's always free. So that's some really great advice and a set day a week would definitely be good! It's good that you've got a good family around U to help out its always nice, keeps U going doesn't it x
     
  14. Pumpkin12

    Pumpkin12 Registered User

    Oct 16, 2014
    69
    Yeh I'm classed as a live in carer. My partner already lived here, then I moved in to so he could go to work still and I became grandads full time carer. It got to the point where grandad couldn't be left day time or nite time as he would wander off and couldn't care for him self at all. So I gave up work and I'm here. It's good that grandma is in a routine and your going to try sort something with the sister, you never no it might be some company for her too. It definately helps having a supportive family :D x


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