I care for mum and dad both with dementia

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
You could try contacting the Red Cross. In our area you can borrow wheel chairs from the Red Cross which will give you an idea on what you want. Also in our area, you can purchase second hand ones from them, which is what I did. You can also find second-hand ones in local ads and some charity shops. If you want a new one there are lots of mobility shops around. You can also get on on the internet, but you will need to know beforehand what you want.

Edit to say - I hope your mum is moved today and you can have a rest
 

looviloo

Registered User
May 3, 2015
463
0
Cheshire
I do hope today goes ok Jaff... you need more rest, some time to look after yourself :-/.

Canary has good advice about getting another wheelchair. Please keep us updated :)
 

Jaff

Registered User
Mar 28, 2016
95
0
Worn out

Well after a very long wait tor the ambulance. We got to the home about four... was not to happy about it. But we came at the wrong time as they where giving dinner out.
. They did not take mum downstairs gave her tea in room.... chips where cold good on mum sent them away.. dinner was hot when received back... I was busy. Putting her name on everything and we had words... I explained to mum I have done my best and life is going to get hard..... she was tearful when we arrived. But I could not do anything right... then I started to cry..... what am I going to do... the buzzer. Was not near. So they moved the chair. Also it looks faulty. Mum was crying and so was I. Had to explain that it was going th get hard as I had to go and see dad.. and that I need much rest... which she does not realize. I am worn out... she snapped at me. A few times saying I was losing my temper. ( mum does not like being told the truth. Before I would not say anything. But now I stand up to her. And she does not like it). I am not losing my temper. Just telling her the truth. Again face dropped when I said I will see her Monday... tomorrow I am going to rest... all I want to do is scream crying.. trying to hold it together. As I have just cone home... thanks for the tips for wheelchair. Will look into it on Monday...
 

Jaff

Registered User
Mar 28, 2016
95
0
Mad

Just wrote a post out and now it's gone.. nothing going right. Mum does not like home. I have had spoken to the carers. Still not happy.. going to speak with manager tomorrow. Can not see around this problem. Mums hands have gount.. how can she hold on to Zimmer. Does it last long gout.
 

Jaff

Registered User
Mar 28, 2016
95
0
Think I have made a mistake

Mums home is to far from dad's. And I have to take some more of there belongs to each.. more to the point dont like mums home. Should i give a couple of days . Before I ring care line.I have not spoken to Any social worker.. and I really do need Mum to be closer because of dad... I was really stupid. I should of hold on. But mum wanted out of hospital.... and the hospital wanted Mum to go. What do I do....
Can any one help.
Worried sick over dad. As the home saying he not taking any meds. I would love a hug and a shoulder to cry on.. I feel I can not take much more.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
Morning Jaff
what a time you are going through
moving one parent is tough; 2 at pretty much the same time is an almighty ask on your energy, time an emotions
I hope you managed to sleep last night and maybe feel a bit refreshed this morning

I'm sorry that your mum's home doesn't seem to be living up to expectations. Maybe speak with the manager about your concerns to get them aired immediately so that they know you are on the case - maybe write them down in a list and hand it to her (I tend to forget some things I want to say so this is what I do)
As for moving her - may I make 2 suggestions
1= concentrate on your dad at the moment, and see how it goes with your mum - you are being pulled in 2 right now and if that doesn't ease you will fall apart, so you need to prioritise
2= if you can bring yourself to do this, don't visit your mum every day - I appreciate this isn't an easy move for her; she does seem quite demanding, though, and may need some time without you there to bounce off (I'm not meaning to be harsh, just practical) - when you do see her, try not to feel you have to explain everything to her, keep what you say minimal (as much for your own emotional protection as hers)

my third suggestion would be to build in some quiet time for you to have a chance to process all that is going on for some of that time, and especially to turn off (almost impossible I know, but necessary for your health)

maybe, if you want to talk to a real person (I know we're real here, but not in actual time) call the helpline to have a chat with someone who does know about all this stuff we go through
0300 222 1122
The helpline is usually open from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday, and from 10am - 4pm at weekends

and this isn't written flippantly
take care of yourself :)
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hi Jeff. What a roller-coaster! Im not surprised that you feel dreadful.

Firstly, remember that although you and your mum dont like this CH much, she is safe and being looked after. TBH I wouldnt want to move mum after only a couple of days - I would let it ride for a couple of months to see how it panned out. And realistically, you may not be able to move her soon - you would need to find a new CH, organise finances, the CH would want to assess her re suitability ....... Its not a quick process and you dont want to rush in and make another mistake. I would recommend that you take your time, work out what she needs (not what she wants), what you need (ie to be closer) and go and look at other residential homes.

In the meantime, if you have any specific concerns about the home then do go and talk to the manager. Also, remember that no-one ever wants to move into a home, add dementia to the mix and your mum would probably not be happy even if the home were heaven on earth!

Finally have a rest - as Shedrech says - you dont have to visit every day, but you need to recover.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,725
0
jaff the biggest thing seems to be the distance between mum and dad which is so understandable and I'm not surprised you are worn out. If they stay that far apart then it isn't going to get any easier for you. It would be a good idea to phone the careline and explain the situation and tell them this was just a temporary move to get mum out of hospital but that you need her to be nearer your dad or you won't be able to cope. Anyone will understand that and help you. In my opinion a move earlier rather than later would be better but see how it goes xx
 

Jaff

Registered User
Mar 28, 2016
95
0
What you say right

Oh thank you for your texts.. which I have taken on board..... have not visited. Mum today only dad. Which thank goodness I have. Has not eaten anything for four days since leaving the hospital.... tried telling nursing home what we did. They have no yogurt. And no ensure drinks.. they said they have ordered them. I hope so. Dad still complaining that he can not see very well. And this is getting him down.. we had a good chat.. and watched t. V. .... I just wish he would eat...... there is nothing left of him... he is drink though.......
 

Jaff

Registered User
Mar 28, 2016
95
0
Can not sleep.

There is so much things. Going around in my head. I can not sleep. Worrying over dad.... in the nh. They would not give him ice cream. .. where the hospital. Did.... no ensure drinks... yet... and I told them before dad arrived.... no table where he could reach for his drink...... I rang up. Tonight. To reminded the day staff . To put one in dad's room.. yesterday .. there where still . No yogurt..... and no ice...... dad kept asking for a cold cold drink.. Going to have words with head......... but it worries me he can not get hold of a drink. Even though he might spill it..... which he will even i beaker sometimes he misses his mouth. Amd then puts beaker on the bed.... unawares what he is doing.... is ity fault because I have told them what he does.? I am so worried they are not evening trying.. all they gave him was soup. For lunch..... in the hospital they would try anything. Always had ice cream and jelly to fall back on but not here...... advice please what to do.... poor dad just wasting away in front of me...... it makes me cry......
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
Hi jaff
I'm so sorry you have been worrying so much - though I appreciate you feel under a lot of pressure - I hope you had some sleep and rest
maybe phone your dad's home and tell the manager you want to come in today to chat over your dad's care plan - then write out a set of bullet points of everything that is a concern and all the questions you have (I do this so that I don't forget something in the heat of the moment) - when you see the manager go through each point calmly and find out what s/he has to say
that way you get your worries out in the open and you may find that they are setting things in motion, if not you can then be sure that you have had your say and they should act on what you tell them - if not make a formal complaint

it may be there are reasons for what they are and aren't giving your dad - though being concerned about spills is not a reason to keep drinks from him - however choking may be, and they could be dealing with that? - I know in dad's care home that spills are just part of the routine, some residents have serviettes or aprons to help, or cups with tops on, so things can be done - and see if there's a spare side table around and ask to have it; that's what I did and it caused no problem
it's worth asking about everything that you're unsure of - I've found chatting to the staff in dad's home has really helped me; they see how interested and concerned I am and we get to share ideas and information - they get to know more about dad, and I feel they are really caring for him so I trust them
if you haven't already, do let them know your circumstances so that they appreciate that you have 2 parents very new to their care home placements and you need to have your mind settled that all is being done right for them

best wishes
 

jorgieporgie

Registered User
Mar 2, 2016
1,982
0
YORKSHIRE
Oh Jeff, I have been reading your posts and this is the first time I have replied. I really feel for you not just having one parent but both to worry about you must be beside yourself. I can not believe a NH does not have yogurts, ice cream or jelly on the menu, especially for elderly. Also the drinks situation, how disgusting your Dad can not get to a drink. If he is allowed to drink which he must be if they have been giving him soup, Then a carer should be checking on him every half hour to aid him with a drink. No wonder the elderly have continuing UT's its through lack of hydration. It makes me want to scream!
Sometimes we have to put our loved ones in their capable hands and all we ask for is that they get the essentials. I would speak to the Manager as soon as possible to put your mind at rest too, you have enough one with Mum. Take care and I hope things get sorted for you soon, your doing a grand job. Big Hugsxx
 

Jaff

Registered User
Mar 28, 2016
95
0
Emotional.

Went to see mum first today..... as I swap mum and dad around who I see first.... have not seen mum since Monday. ( which is. Good for me. Would go every day. ) but I am taking on board what t.p. tells me..... walked in mum having breakfast. At 10 30. In morning. Soon as she see me in tears. . You see (mum wants to be up and dressed by 7)..... and buzzer in her room does not work.... don't forget mum can not use her hands to painful
. Well. Brought manager over. And we had a good talk.....
Mum went then to get her hair done. As the hairdresser comes every Wednesday. This cheered mum up a lot... then I took her out in the garden... were we could enjoy the fresh air.... and talk with out any one listening in. As Mum is deaf. ( will not wear a earing aid)... I stayed longer than I intended...... so did not see dad. But I rang up...... and this is what they told me...... have no table. Will have to ordered a new one.......... it is against there policy to give dad ice. Cream.. and jelly... ( have you heard the likes). And would stop family doing it as well... yougut sill have not got Any in... would ring Dr up again for the ensure drinks......... also.. because dad asking for cold cold drink... they would leave a jug of water on fridge.............. took sleeping tablet to night... so tomorrow I am having off. . And rest.... as this does not wear off until the afternoon..... many. Many. Thanks for all your advice. And hugs.. ( which I need right now)..
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
0
Surrey, UK
Went to see mum first today..... as I swap mum and dad around who I see first.... have not seen mum since Monday. ( which is. Good for me. Would go every day. ) but I am taking on board what t.p. tells me..... walked in mum having breakfast. At 10 30. In morning. Soon as she see me in tears. . You see (mum wants to be up and dressed by 7)..... and buzzer in her room does not work.... don't forget mum can not use her hands to painful
. Well. Brought manager over. And we had a good talk.....
Mum went then to get her hair done. As the hairdresser comes every Wednesday. This cheered mum up a lot... then I took her out in the garden... were we could enjoy the fresh air.... and talk with out any one listening in. As Mum is deaf. ( will not wear a earing aid)... I stayed longer than I intended...... so did not see dad. But I rang up...... and this is what they told me...... have no table. Will have to ordered a new one.......... it is against there policy to give dad ice. Cream.. and jelly... ( have you heard the likes). And would stop family doing it as well... yougut sill have not got Any in... would ring Dr up again for the ensure drinks......... also.. because dad asking for cold cold drink... they would leave a jug of water on fridge.............. took sleeping tablet to night... so tomorrow I am having off. . And rest.... as this does not wear off until the afternoon..... many. Many. Thanks for all your advice. And hugs.. ( which I need right now)..

Oh Jaff! ((((hugs)))) what a dreadful situation you are in! It goes to show, sometimes our loved ones have needs that we simply cannot meet - no matter how hard we try, we simply cannot spread ourselves so thinly!

Do get some rest tonight. Try to trust the judgement of your dad's care home to give him the food and drink he needs, though I totally understand your frustration at them refusing to give him ice cream. So glad that you had a nice day with your mum.
 

Jaff

Registered User
Mar 28, 2016
95
0
Don't do it

As I said in last text. Was going to take a sleeping tablet.. and take day off. Was supposed . To go to town...... but what did I do........ Went Sat in the sun for an hour..... . You guessed it.... and fell asleep...... now I am red as a lobster. Lol..... back visit ing tomorrow. Dad first..... then mum..... and start sorting things out....... whatever you do don't take a sleeping tablet... and sit in the sun.... a bed would be better...
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
Oh Jaff !?
I'm so sorry - I just burst out laughing - and it's not funny? - I really hope it's not too painful :)
at least you did get some sleep :D
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,725
0
Hi red as a lobster jaff lol!!
Please remember to drink a lot so that you don't get dehydrated
The way the nursing home is treating your Dad is unacceptable.
Every person should have access to drinks
He should be able to eat whatever he wants to eat (as long as he isn't going to choke)

I advise you to see the manager again and tell her
that if he isn't given a drink every hour or so then he will get urine infections and be dehydrated and so it needs to be part of his care plan that if he doesn't have an accessible drink then a carer needs to go and offer him a drink

I don't understand why they are not able to give him ice cream and jelly - that is extremely odd, it is standard food at many homes as is yogurt. I would ask why this is the case and why they do not allow visitors to bring any in either. Tell her that you want her to make a note in his notes that you have serious concerns about his access to food and drink.

I would ask to see the GP tomorrow and tell the GP that you are concerned he is getting dehydrated and the home are not giving him access to food or drink. This is basic care.

I am still really worried for you that you are doing so much travelling, can you get them closer together or into the same home? You must be exhausted from both travel and worry
Thinking of you
 

Jaff

Registered User
Mar 28, 2016
95
0
Small world

Well. I went to see dad first in the nursing home. Spoke to manager. All my concerts. First when I walked in. Hurray a table..... dad would now be able to get his drinks...... no drink on table though.... and the table at the bottom of bed. (It looked like it just got there) . So first thing. Gave dad a drink. And went got manager..... she was in aware. About the time the girls where coming in... should more often. The reason why they can not give ice cream and jelly. When taken. It turns into water........ I said well why did the salt term at hospital said it was ok........... they are now going to check with there salt term......... sorry they ran out of yogurt..... but have some in now.......... next was the big surprise... I asked weather the insure drinks have come from the Dr yet.........I will give them a other. Ring.. but she brought some in.... dad tummy was rumbling.... and as soon as he had that insure drink. It was gone in a flash....... so I was told any problems. Go and see her. And that she would speak to the girls...... right that was one home sorted ..... now the next. I had been on the phone to the hosptial. To speak with the discharged nurse... and guess what
My gut feeling was right..... they had sent mum to the wrong home...... and she would arrange physio. For this Was not a home for reabiblation
Before I knew it I had a social worker on the phone. Could we meet on Monday...... I asked if we could move mum near dad....... will have to wait
.. when I got there mum told they had been the o. T. And the manager had written out a Care plan..... to get mum mobile.
Ot agreed with it.... as mum should only be there for 21 days
. So now things are moving. . Mum got to learn how to stand.... then walk with her Zimmer. So far... and then go wheelchair the rest of the way.......... . So mum and I had a chat in the garden... don't worry I was under cover. My arms are still burning lol.... but.... the funny thing about this and I say it a small world......... the two managers....... dads home the other sideof the city... and mums manger.. know each other...... as they have worked together....... what are the odds on that............ told you mum and dad do things together...... I thought it was really spooky.
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
0
Surrey, UK
Jaff, you are being so brave coping with what must be an intolerable situation. I wonder what the odds are of having BOTH parents needing THIS level of care AT THE SAME TIME??? About the same as winning the jackpot in the lottery, maybe?? Whatever, you must be extremely unlucky to be facing this, so please don't EVER feel guilty in any way....you are clearly doing everything you can. Is anyone supporting you? A carer's group, for example? I do hope so. Meanwhile, please keep posting on here. There are so many kind people who will do what they can to support you online.

It could be really good news that the 2 care managers know each other. Perhaps some joined-up thinking will happen and someone, somewhere, will understand your dreadful plight and do what needs to be done to help you and your parents. I wish a happy outcome for you! Take care.xxx
 

BR_ANA

Registered User
Jun 27, 2012
1,080
0
Brazil
I was thinking about ice cream. I remember that for people that has problems eating ( food going to wrong place. Lungs), it is easier to eat something plain, I mean same texture all food. The problem with icecream and jelly is that they loose liquid on mouth, making it harder to eat. ( for persons that are prone to aspiration pneumonia)

I hope manager understand that your father is happy eating icecream.