I Can't take this Paranoia Any More!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Nebiroth, Jul 28, 2007.

  1. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    Readers will probably be aware of my dad's long standing paranoid obsession and delusions with our neighbours.

    He has now decided that "someone" (guess who) has "had a go" at our front path "so that the water all comes into us to flood us". I have just had to listen to him ranting and raving and shouting at poor mum who is in the firing line.

    I just don't think I can stand this any more. For nearly TWO YEARS we have had to endure the constant complaints and accusations and loony stories about this. He is already on quite a high dose of Quitiapine which seemed to help for a while. Now he's started with the obsession again.

    For two years we've had people "damaging paintwork", "damaging our wall", "pushing the guttering along", "drilling holes to steal our heat", "pointing pipes to make our bathroom damp", "putting stuff on their lawn to poison the cat" and now we've got this as well. The stories are so absurd that you would laugh but only if you didn't have to live with it.

    He is going to drive either me or mum or both into a breakdown. I have depression and IBS through this, mum has Parkinsons which is made worse.

    Frankly at the moment I would not care if he was sectioned into a home, I would just feel relieved that we would not have to listen to it any more.

    He is relentless and goes on and on and on and on about it and it just grows and grows like some poisonous growth.

    I feel that I don't have a dad I can love any more, just this paranoid, agressive lunatic who has come in his place. I find myself trying to avoid him even though I live in the same house but feel guilty that it all falls on poor mums shoulders. He is turning both our lives into a living hell.

    I do not know what to do or where to turn.....

    Can someone please help me as I dont know what to do

    Previously nurses have just said "he will forget it" but he does not.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Nebiroth,

    This cannot continue, it is beyond control and affecting the health of you and your mother.

    I would think the time has come to consider at least day care, if not residential care.

    I would ask to see a consultant and get advice and help.

    Take care
  3. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    #3 Nebiroth, Jul 28, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2007
    The problem is that apart from this he is in relatively "good health". We can cope with the forgetfulness and inability to comprehend some things (like the difference between the TV listing magazine and the card that lists the channel numbers for the cable box)

    It is this ongoing paranoid obsession that is driving us mad

    It is just relentless as he isn't open to reason at all about it

    He would not go into a home voluntarily I know as he would not accept there is anything wrong
    and I do not see that he is bad enough to be forced to go as he isn;t violent, at least not yet!

    I suppose I will have to try and see his GP, who is also mine and mums, when I can. It's often difficult
    to get an appointment

    Disappointingly last time the GP let the cat out of the bag as to who reported him, despite both mum
    and myself pleading with him not to say it was us who had said anything about it, so of course mum
    got ranted at for that too
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It is really very difficult for you. I can only suggest you try for more medical help.

    I know what you mean about your father not yet being ill enough for a permanent residential place. I can understand that if it weren`t for the paranoia, his condition would be manageable.

    There must be drugs to help paranoia, but they will probably have side effects which might be unacceptable. I suppose you and the doctors could do with trying to find a compromise.

    That your mother has Parkinson`s, must be considered, and for you to have to cope with parents with Parkinsons and Dementia is too much to ask of anyone.

    Please try to get some medicinal help to reduce your father`s paranoia.

    Love xx
  5. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    Horrible situation

    Hello Nebiroth

    It sounds like the situation is getting out of control & you all need some help & support asap before you & your Mum reach breaking point.

    Do you have a CPN (mental health nurse) you could talk to? Aware of the fact that of course this is the weekend & you would not be able to speak to him/her until Monday. I do hope that it wasn't a CPN who told you "He'll forget it" - that's not a helpful or sympathetic comment from any medical professional. Your Dad's current "fixation" may well pass - but it may take some time and in the meantime you & your Mum have this horrible situation to deal with "here & now".

    I suspect that most of us who contribute here strive to have the patience of saints with our loved ones - but it is human nature to "snap" at times, when the difficult behaviour just gets too much for anyone to bear.

    Understandably you're very upset, angry, worried for your Mum as well as your Dad & probably a bit scared too with the bizarre behaviour your Dad is currently exhibiting - but underneath this dreadful illness he is still your Dad.....& I hope you can hold on to that thought, however impossible it may seem tonight.

    Hope it helps to "pour it all" out on here - where you know that people do understand the situation that you're in.

    Hope you find the support you need as soon as possible. Phoning the Alzheimer's help line during the weekend may offer you support & guidance to get you through the weekend.

    Thinking of you

    Take care


    Gill x
  6. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I don't even know if this would be possible, bearing in mind he's not exhibiting physical violence, but have you considered trying to get him into an assessment unit? As Sylvia says, there is a vast array of medication to help with this sort of thing, but I think it's way too much to expect you and your mother to mange this while they try a little of this and a little of that. Or what about emergency respite, to allow your mother to have a break? I'm clutching at straws here, because this sounds a truly awful situation for both of you to be in. He hasn't actually approached the neighbours? Because if he had, no matter how nice they are, encouraging them to contact social services might bring a faster resolution, although I can well understand you trying to manage without this sort of outside intervention.

    Just throwing out ideas, really.

  7. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    Dear Nebiroth,

    So sorry to hear about this, but I can relate to it because my Mum has terrible paranoia. Mostly it is about the house being broken into and everything stolen and she even calls the police, so eventually I'm sure they will do her for wasting police time. I wish I knew what triggered it, but I guess we're all in the same situation.

    It has got so bad I have asked the GP to arrange for her to be assessed again and I'm also finally looking at residential care because enough is enough. She'll probably refuse to go because she also thinks there is nothing wrong so I suppose it will come to sectioning in the end. Like you, I'm so fed up with it, I've almost got past caring what happens.

    I wish I could be more help, but please do try and get some help; it is not fair that your health should suffer.
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Oh Fifi, I`m so sorry you`ve been having such a difficult time.

    You are right to ask for another assessment. This form of behaviour takes too much out of you.

    Please keep in touch.

    Love xx
  9. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    Thanks for the support Sylvia, much appreciated. The incidences are getting more frequent, so in a way that is a good thing, because it's made the decision about trying to find residential care much easier to take, whereas up until recently my brother and I kept wondering whether we should or shouldn't.....

    I expect it will take ages to find something because it involves my father too, who needs nursing care, but at least I feel reassured that I'm doing something...
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It sounds as if the decision is being made for you. Will you be able to get somewhere for your mother and father to stay together.
  11. dave b

    dave b Registered User

    Nov 21, 2006
    fiona i know your problem
    i just came back from holliday, & careing again hit me like abrick in the face!
    our gp spotted this + other probs with mom & she was in a community hospital
    for a week, my head got round it again & we carry on could your gp do this for you?
  12. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    south lanarkshire

    I know that whenever I was having problems with my parents, the CPN was the first person to call. She would then liase with geriatric pychiatrist. They would evaluate the medication and prescibed new, or reduce the dose of the present meds.

    She also told me, if there was a problem, to phone, even if it was on a weekend. There would be a CPN on duty.

    Maybe a phone call would be worth trying, if only to get events on record

    Look after yourself
  13. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    Dad has accused the neighbour of putting their rubbish into our bins - sadly the poor man was lifting the lid to see if ours had been collected as his had not been and dad "caught" him. So of course the paranoia instantly kicked in and we heard tales of how "the man was really nasty and ranted at me for ages because I caught him sneaking stuff into ur bin so that we would get fined" (completely untrue).

    We have advised the neighbours that dad has delusions, that what he says cannot be taken seriously. I almost wish they would complain to the police. They have been very tolerant of dad constantly wandering up and down the pavement in front of our houses and peering at things.

    It is so awful, in that aside from the paranoia dad is quite "well" compared to many people that are related to on here.

    Over the last few days dad has constantly complained about being old, tired, worked hard all his life, how ill he is, etc etc. But refuses to see a doctor. He hardly eats now because he's afraid of things like chicken (bird flu) meat (mad cow disease) anything with chocolate in it (salmonella) and is also afraid that food "will cause a blockage". He constantly frets that he can't go to the toilet enough and keeps demanding laxatives even though, well, you can't get out more than you take in!

    He takes no notice of poor mum who is only a couple of years younger and has health problems of her own, or indeed me.

    I felt so guilty the other day, he kept saying "I haven't got long left" and my first thought was that it would be a relief to us all.
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hi Nebiroth.

    Would your dad eat porridge [organic jumbo oats] and prunes? Good oldfashioned food, with no health risks, probably acceptable to his long term memory, and good for constipation.

    I do understand how this constant inappropriate behaviour gets you down. It`s bad enough when it`s confined within your own four walls, but when it involves outsiders, it`s even worse.

    The only road I can think of is the medication road. You must see if you can get more help.
  15. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    No he used to eat porridge every day (or rather, that horrible microwave stuff with more sugar in it than oats that pretends to be porridge!). Now he won't because "it will clog me up". He won't eat toast now for the same reason as (it "stays hard inside"). He never eats fruit of any kind. I can't help but wonder if the poor diet isn't pushing the dementia along, a healthy diet makes for a healthy brain. The only thing he keeps up with is smoking!

    It sounds horrible, but I don't care if he won't eat. We've given up trying to persuade him, as he won't listen, so it sounds horrible but I think "if you want to starve yourself that's up to you, no skin off my nose". We've reported it, he's lost weight but apparently is not starving (although this was before he started refusing to eat biscuits because they too "stay hard and clog me up")

    At the moment he is virtually living on a few slices of bread and butter and coffee...

    No wonder he feels tired all the time and wobbly. He's slowly starving himself, and I dread to think of what his blood sugar levels are doing.
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Well hard as it sounds, you can`t force him to do anything he doesn`t want to, so I`d let him do as he wishes.

    Perhaps when he begins to miss the attention, he might be more co-operative.
  17. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    My mum for some reason was the same with the neighbours usually just fixated with one, her imagination worked overtime, luckily, she never confronted the neighbour, or, as in your case, ranted or raved. But, she would go on and on and on for months on end, then, overnight that would be all forgotten and replaced with something else just as unbelievable. I really feel for you and your poor mum, my mum has suffered for years with delusions and paranonia. Mum is now in a care home and at present her symptoms are quite manageable with just the OOH's and AAH's in the right place. Prior to going into the care home mum was given HALOPERIDOL on one occasion due to her extreme distress and it worked quite well. I am really sorry that I can't offer you anything constructive this indeed is a terrible situation so overwhelming for you and your mum. Sincerely, hope that something can be done real soon to address this problem. Take Care. Taffy.
  18. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    Oh well, we've had another day of fantastic stories about the evil man next door...again! Dad even dragged the neighbour from our other side (a builder) to look at how someone had "done something" to the path. Of course the poor chap was terribly embarassed by dad's bizarre stories and said there was nothing wrong, so now he's on dad's "bad" list too!

    Honestly it is so ridiculous - dad really believes that someone managed to lower the bricks in our path, all without anyone seeing or hearing anything or leaving a mark.

    It is so sad, yet almost pitiful, he lives in a complete fantasy world where people are out to "get him".

    It is becoming unmanageable, I really am begining to think that dad needs to be in hospital or a care home. I don't think we can cope with his delusions anymore.

    Hopefuly I may be able to speak to the GP tomorrow as I have to go to the surgery for a regular asthma checkup with the nurse...
  19. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    I do feel for you hugely, we went through the same thing with mum, but at the time we had no idea it was AD, just thought it was mum being mum (she has never been, shall I say, ‘easy’).

    Of course I bought into it all at the time hook, line and sinker. We had the man next door water her grass so that it would grow quicker, which meant she had to cut it more often (I did the cutting anyway)!!

    She could hear them ‘bonking’ all night, and used to take to the garden shed.

    They stole her electricity (I had no less that 4 test meters put in, and generally drove the electricity board nuts). When I think back, how dumb was I, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg on what we thought were the neighbours from hell Eventually mum sold that house, and bought a smaller flat, so problem solved……………..no.

    After mum had moved out, her neighbours came to see me, Oh my goodness, what she had told me was just a small amount. She apparently used to bang on their walls nearly all night. Shout abuse at them each time they left the house, the list goes on and on. Bless them, they were so very kind, and clearly they had put up with the neighbour from hell, my mum.

    Alarm bells only started ringing for me when this bazaar behaviour and paranoia continued at her new home, and escalated ten fold which I wont go into, needless to say it was horrendous. Then we called in the doctor, and she had the diagnosis of AD.

    Sadly I don’t believe there is a short answer to the paranoia, sort out one, and its usually taken over by another.

    In view of your own health, and your poor mums, I agree with others who have mentioned it, I would call in the doctor and ask that dad be admitted for assessment. If there is one thing I have learnt is that it doesn’t get any better. Keep plugging away at the professionals.

    It might be useful to keep a diary of events of dad's paranoia with the neighbour and food etc., (which is what I did in the end), and ahead of the appointment with the Consultant/GP send it to him. Unless you provide a history into dads behaviour, they get a very small snapshot in time during the appointment, and if your dad is anything like my mum, Oh my goodness, who is this feasible well behaved person who presents to the medical staff!!

    I wish you well, and sincerely hope you get the help you and your mum clearly now need.

  20. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Is your dad on any medications at all? Or does he refuse to take them?

    It does sound like at least respite care for a week or two would be beneficial. If you are starting to think long term care is called for, then you should start looking into that.

    It sounds like an absolutely horrible situation. I do understand how you say your first reaction was relief when he said he wouldn't be around much longer. This can really grind a person down. I felt the same when my mother was violent & aggressive

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