I can't stop really resenting my invisible sister and her great life

[Theresalwaystomorrow]

Grouse, I could of wrote your post, I’m very much same situ, very male dominated family but my less caring sister is all females, property abroad ect.
Don’t let them win, people like that are happy from the outside but miserable on the inside, you have been a very caring daughter with no regrets so hold your head high and make lots of new friends x

 

[Hermia]

Dearest Grouse

I've only just come across this thread. (I'm going to tell you something what others might find strange at the end of this post but please bear with me.) My dear father had vascular dementia and died a year ago. My lovely mother also developed vascular dementia at the same time as my father (over 10 years ago) and is still alive. I have 2 brothers - the younger last visited either of my parents over 4 years ago and my older brother visits around 3 times a year despite living only an hours' drive away. I have handled everything: care at home, care in care homes, dealing with the CQC and LGO when things in the care homes have gone drastically wrong, selling, clearing and cleaning their house - basically dealing with everything. I visit my mother every day and am still grieving for my father. My brothers cannot understand why. So - snap - we have so much in common. And in the early years I felt so eaten up with resentment that my brother's couldn't even be bothered to visit my parents.

Here's the thing - it's what life's about - caring for and cherishing other people. I don't really tell anyone what I am going to relate now but, call it psychic, I don't know if it's that, but when a family member has died they have always come to tell me that they are going. (My mother also experienced this when she was younger). It's so prosaic and normal - it's as though they tap me on the shoulder and let me know that they have to leave. You know how someone stands by the front door and shouts up the stairs, 'I'm off now - bye,' just as they leave in the morning? It's like that.

When my father died it didn't happened like that. I had a dream that he was shouting at people, 'For God's sake let her sleep! She's exhausted - she's been through enough.' I eventually woke at 3 am to find that both the landline and my mobile had been called five times each. Normally a very light sleeper I'd slept through it all. I got to the care home just after the doctor had left and before the undertakers had taken my father away. The following night my father came to me showering the most amazing flowers from the skies to the ground at my feet.

Since then I have felt sorry for my brothers. They seem to view life as a material existence which ends when we die. It doesn't.

And if life is some sort of a test, believe me you have passed with flying colours. Your mum knows that.

Now I've read this all back it sounds really weird! I'm glad this is anonymous.

Sending you lots of love, you are the lucky one not the empty materialist who is your sister.

xxx

 

[Rolypoly]

It would seem that there are a lot of us who can relate to your situation Grouse so you need not feel alone, you have ‘sisters’ right here. In my opinion my sister is selfish and jealous but it is her loss not mine. She’s all talk with no intention of doing what she says she will unless her hand is forced. It would be nice if she did something because she wanted to rather than had to. Once mum has gone I won’t be keeping in touch apart from Xmas card.

 

[Rolypoly]

Dearest Grouse

I've only just come across this thread. (I'm going to tell you something what others might find strange at the end of this post but please bear with me.) My dear father had vascular dementia and died a year ago. My lovely mother also developed vascular dementia at the same time as my father (over 10 years ago) and is still alive. I have 2 brothers - the younger last visited either of my parents over 4 years ago and my older brother visits around 3 times a year despite living only an hours' drive away. I have handled everything: care at home, care in care homes, dealing with the CQC and LGO when things in the care homes have gone drastically wrong, selling, clearing and cleaning their house - basically dealing with everything. I visit my mother every day and am still grieving for my father. My brothers cannot understand why. So - snap - we have so much in common. And in the early years I felt so eaten up with resentment that my brother's couldn't even be bothered to visit my parents.

Here's the thing - it's what life's about - caring for and cherishing other people. I don't really tell anyone what I am going to relate now but, call it psychic, I don't know if it's that, but when a family member has died they have always come to tell me that they are going. (My mother also experienced this when she was younger). It's so prosaic and normal - it's as though they tap me on the shoulder and let me know that they have to leave. You know how someone stands by the front door and shouts up the stairs, 'I'm off now - bye,' just as they leave in the morning? It's like that.

When my father died it didn't happened like that. I had a dream that he was shouting at people, 'For God's sake let her sleep! She's exhausted - she's been through enough.' I eventually woke at 3 am to find that both the landline and my mobile had been called five times each. Normally a very light sleeper I'd slept through it all. I got to the care home just after the doctor had left and before the undertakers had taken my father away. The following night my father came to me showering the most amazing flowers from the skies to the ground at my feet.

Since then I have felt sorry for my brothers. They seem to view life as a material existence which ends when we die. It doesn't.

And if life is some sort of a test, believe me you have passed with flying colours. Your mum knows that.

Now I've read this all back it sounds really weird! I'm glad this is anonymous.

Sending you lots of love, you are the lucky one not the empty materialist who is your sister.

xxx

Not weird to me, I’ve had episodes of deja vu in the past which did feel weird at the time as I knew exactly what was going to happen, what people were going to say and do. I should imagine you found it quite comforting though maybe a bit of a shock if the death wasn’t expected.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I had two fairly invisible sisters it was the lack of interest in dad and his affairs that baffled me...dad died last March and I finalised his affairs a few months later. Sisters had contact with me when I asked although I had to prompt them into replying etc as an estate was involved which required distribution but since then we have not been in contact. We haven't fallen out they just don't seem to want to stay in contact with me and we will be like the film meeting at 'Four weddings and a funeral' !

However...during dad's tough times and my every other day vists to his nursing home in with the horrible visits I had some lovely 1-1 moments with dad that in time will push the not so nice memories to the background...these nice memories are ones my sisters will never have and will never bring them comfort when they reflect on the part they took ...very little...in dads care.

I think quite often it falls to one child to take on the caring role and sometimes it is a geographical thing...the one that lives closest...was for me but then I always knew it would be

 

[Duggies-girl]

I had two fairly invisible sisters it was the lack of interest in dad and his affairs that baffled me...dad died last March and I finalised his affairs a few months later. Sisters had contact with me when I asked although I had to prompt them into replying etc as an estate was involved which required distribution but since then we have not been in contact. We haven't fallen out they just don't seem to want to stay in contact with me and we will be like the film meeting at 'Four weddings and a funeral' !

However...during dad's tough times and my every other day vists to his nursing home in with the horrible visits I had some lovely 1-1 moments with dad that in time will push the not so nice memories to the background...these nice memories are ones my sisters will never have and will never bring them comfort when they reflect on the part they took ...very little...in dads care.

I think quite often it falls to one child to take on the caring role and sometimes it is a geographical thing...the one that lives closest...was for me but then I always knew it would be

My brother lives around the corner to my dad, a five minute walk at the most and he still can't be bothered. I live about 4 miles so I need to drive but I manage to get there every day. If I had to walk I would still get there.

 

[Hermia]

Not weird to me, I’ve had episodes of deja vu in the past which did feel weird at the time as I knew exactly what was going to happen, what people were going to say and do. I should imagine you found it quite comforting though maybe a bit of a shock if the death wasn’t expected.

Thanks Rolypoly I was going to delete my post as it now looks so weird! But I'll leave it.

I also noticed what you said about your sister in your other post. It has now become that way with our younger brother. The strange thing was of all three siblings he was the most cherished by my parents. I'll never understand how a child can totally ignore a once loved parent in their dying years.

xx

 

[grouse]

I'll never understand how a child can totally ignore a once loved parent in their dying years

This, exactly! I just dont get it at all. And I watch my sister with her adult daughters and their families and she's all over them...but she ignored my old mum, when she needed her the most. Maybe it was because sister didn't need mum anymore?

I guess there's some things I'll never "get"