I can't stop really resenting my invisible sister and her great life

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
6,064
0
Salford
Like Cat says it's nice to hear you've found a way of moving on, your sister really is not worth the effort.
K
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
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Cotswolds
Have been reading this with interest and profound sadness for you grouse, struggling with those mixed feelings of disappointment in your sister and sadness that she wasn't different when you could have done with her understanding and support.

Seeing your update, and confirmation that time does heal, is encouraging, and I'm so glad you've been able to move away from that sad time. THANKYOU for sharing that.
 

caqqufa

Registered User
Jun 4, 2016
145
0
I don't know if anyone who posted on my thread is still around on the forum, but I just wanted to come back and say that time did help.......my feelings towards my sister are still the same and nothing has changed, except I've got on with my own life and have let her go, I really don't care if I ever see her again and she doesn't upset me so much as she did when I started the thread......as others have said, she isn't worth my feelings.

Well done Grouse and thank you for coming back. Just been through the thread first time and so glad you have worked it out for yourself. I guess these are the experiences that teach us that life is a journey of learning to find out who we are and accepting others the way they are. I've found that most times the biggest upset is when expectations are not met and the lesson I learnt from it is to do my bit to my utmost, whatever the situation, because that is me and it is only me who can live with my conscience. Others' conscience is their business not mine. Isn't TP great:)
 

grouse

Registered User
Nov 11, 2013
86
0
I'm back, still upset and back to the start, feeling hurt and isolated and alone. I had counselling, but couldnt afford enough.

I hate this lost feeling.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,002
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72
Dundee
I'm back, still upset and back to the start, feeling hurt and isolated and alone. I had counselling, but couldnt afford enough.

I hate this lost feeling.

I'm so sorry things have not improved for you. I'm glad you've come back to TP though. Perhaps it would help to talk to someone at Samaritans. They have an emotional listening service. These are the details -

Phone: 116 123 (UK) 116 123 (ROI) (open 24 hours, seven days a week, all year round)

Email: jo@samaritans.org

Website: www.samaritans.org

Whether you decide to contact them or not i hope you keep coming to TP.
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
Hi Grouse, I am so sorry you are still feeling the same. It’s so very hard to let these feelings go.

I have a small plaque in my sitting room, just the size of a coaster and on it it says ‘ Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head”. I can’t remember where I picked it up from but there are times I go to it and read it and think how right it is. So whatever it is that is making me uptight gets the boot because no one is going to live rent-free in my head.

Please do use the telephone numbers that Izzy has given, just talking to someone helps and of course we are all here to listen too. You are the better person in all of this, remember that.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
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Oh @grouse I understand completely. This resentment can eat you up. My mum died six years ago leaving dad on his own. Since then dad has become so important to me and I have always visited him on days off and spent evenings with him partly because I know my mum would have been pleased to know that he was not too lonely and that her children were taking care of there old dad.

I could still have holidays and go places because dad was pretty much able to look after himself but now the dreaded alzhiemers has stepped up a bit and he can't cope on his own without some help. If it were not for me he would starve. Where is my brother in all this, well nothing has changed for him, he will still pop in once a week for ten minutes, never has a coffee or asks about dads health, not interested, too busy, has his own life. He lives round the corner from dad whereas I have to drive back and forth everyday,

My mum would have been so sad and that is the main thing I truly resent, that mums favourite child (and he was) is not interested.

There is a big row brewing but I try to smile through it all for dads sake because it would upset him and he still looks forward to the occasional visit but when dad eventually goes I shall not have to grin and bear it anymore and my brother will be out of my life for good because although he thinks he is all important I think he is pretty worthless and not worthy of my attention.

You are a better person than your worthless sister and you need to put her behind you. I really hope things improve for you.
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
0
Kent
I'm back, still upset and back to the start, feeling hurt and isolated and alone. I had counselling, but couldnt afford enough.

I hate this lost feeling.
There are free counselling services, MIND is one, you can self refer, I found my local one excellent, and they were able to give me further contacts. MIND ( if I remember correctly) offers 8 sessions free, further sessions can be obtained at a very small contribution, free if on pension etc.
 

SnowWhite

Registered User
Nov 18, 2016
699
0
Its such a shame Grouse that you are still feeling like this.

My younger brother and his wife have caused so much trouble and upset in our family so I do sympathise. When it was obvious a year ago that Mum couldnt cope at home with her poor mobility and Alzheimers he refused to meet up and discuss anything so I had to arrange for Mum to go into care as she had had 14falls that I know of.

For ten years prior to that I had Mum at mine every weekend, took her to all her appointments, shopping etc. They lived closer but did nothing. I arranged morning carers for her before she went into care and they didnt like that either.

He lives about 5 miles from Mum and has not visited her since last May. They just ignore her and dont even send her a xmas card or birthday card. I find that amazingly cruel. I have more or less closed the part of my brain that involved him and his wife because theyre not worth bothering with.

Poor Mum often asks about them and we just say we have no idea as we never see them. It must be a huge worry for her especially at this time of year.

These invisible family members usually do OK in the end. My brother will still get a third of whatever poor Mum leaves when she dies despite him being so awful to her.
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,534
0
South Gloucs
I'm not sure what the cost is of the counselling you found but there are some counsellors who do the equivalent of 'pro bono' lawyers, i.e. free. You can also look on the BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) website and filter counsellors by your area, and maybe find one that can offer free/reduced or telephone appointments (which reduces their overheads)

I worked in counsellor training for many years and it seems that what you are experiencing is very similar to what is termed 'complicated grief'. I wonder have you tried Cruse? They have a waiting list and I'm not sure of the cost, but grief is their speciality.

I'm sorry it keeps coming back to bite you xxx
 

grouse

Registered User
Nov 11, 2013
86
0
thank you all so much for replying to me, I really appreciate it and I'll bare in mind the counseling and phone lines provided.

do you know the worst thing for me, my sisters life is bloody brilliant. since mum died she's just gone from strength to strength..all my friends told me my sister would be eaten up with guilt when mum died, but by god she's been the opposite..no guilt, no looking back, just striding forward with life getting better by the year...she's now got grandkids, plenty money, surrounded by her adult children and grandkids, a full life, house in the sun too, everything's wonderful...while I feel I've dragged myself through these years since mum died, with my grieving to do alone, teenagers to deal with, job pressures etc, just how it is living in this day and age, when she was my age she had mum and dad who supported her and her family, a totally different job market and house prices that were sooo low....I know I sound bitter but by god I am and I just wish it would go away...I know she's talking space in my head rent free but it's almost as if she's living the good life and laughing at me..she told me right after we scattered mums ashes how I'd spent enough time looking after mum (as if this was a bad thing/ a waste of my time) and how it was time for me now....as if me looking after mum for so long was a failing, a waste of time I could have been earning money or building up a good pension like her...

I just shake my head when I think of her but I know she has no guilt, no regrets whatsoever and I should move on, but its hard.
 

grouse

Registered User
Nov 11, 2013
86
0
sorry to ramble on but I need to get this off my chest..do you know what hurts the most, what ****es me off the most?..she's surrounded by women in her life, she had daughters, daughters in law, granddaughters and she does the mum/daughter thing with them all...whereas when mum was here she ignored her and did ****** all with her. Since mum died I've got no women in my life, I have boys and my hubbie, no mum or daughter or mum in law, no women to do the things I used to do with mum, that my sister never did but is getting to do with her daughters...and it just feels so bloody unfair, just so unfair. I'd love a sister, I'd love someone to talk about the past with, ask about the menopause, ask how to deal with teens, just to chat to and ask advice of, someone older who'd been through what I'm going through now and offer the words of wisdom you hope your mum would say, if she was still alive or able. I have women friends but no women in my family now. I'd really love another woman in my life and I have a sister who doesn't need me and never did. And it hurts, more than I'd ever admit or say to anyone. It feels like such a rejection.
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
0
Surrey, UK
Oh Grouse, I hope you feel better for having vented here!

Sometimes that's what we need, just to give an airing to all the bad feelings that we bottle up inside. I don't have any advice for you, other than what's been said already. But I think you already know that.

As someone who has also had difficult relationships with sisters-in-law for similar reasons you describe, and who is also without a close female relative, I can truly sympathise. All I can say is, you know you have done the right thing by your mum. You know she would be proud of you. She may or may not have been disappointed by your sister's behaviour, but she would probably still love her and forgive her. I hope, for your sake, that you can find a way to accept your sister for who she is, faults and all. You don't need to be friends with her, but just forgive her in your heart. And take pride in what you have done for your mum, because you have, undoubtedly, done a fantastic job. Take care. xx
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
@grouse Try to put her behind you or it will eat away at you and I know that feeling and its not very nice. Also from the sound of your sister I can guarantee that she is not worrying about you, that's how she is.and she won't change, she probably does not give you a thought. I have the same problem with my brother, completely uninterested, does not even ask how his dad is. My mum would have been very upset about this is she doted on brother. Dad does not say much but I know he would like to see his son a bit more than the few cursory few minutes he gets a week.

You should be so proud of yourself after you looked after your mum for so long. It is a difficult journey and one that you have conquered alone. Not many can say that. I am full of admiration for you.

I am also surrounded by men. Husband, son and dad and they are all good. Most of my female friends have disappeared, probably because I have disappeared from view so not really their fault, I just don't have the time to socialise anymore because I look after dad. Brother on the other hand has a great life. Well paid job, holidays booked, days out at the coast, always out socialising but never with his dad. His loss not dads.

You are a better person than your sister and I am sure that you will come through this but as others have said get some help, counselling or something or it will weigh you right down. You have been strong for too long. Wishing you well and hope some good things happen for you.
 

Onmyown

Registered User
May 30, 2017
385
0
I agree forgive and forget her. I know that sounds easy but ive had to let my anger towards my sister go for my own health. I will never speak to her again after the way she has treated me i have two sisters who have NEVER been there for me or help with mum . One big sister who is a christian?? hasnt seen or spoken to her mum in years but said to me she will contest will?
I dont care anymore they are a disgrace .

I know what you mean though be nice to have a sister who you could talk to and get on with especially when your parent has dementia. But it will never happen here and if my sister tried to talk to me again id demand an apology?

To be honest the only good thing about mum passing will be ill be FREE of the stress all my siblings have caused me.

I have good female friends and male friends i dont need bitchy,selfish sisters im not jealous of them or resent thier superficial lives. When mum goes i will sleep at night knowing i did the right thing by her and i really have moved on from my sisters. Sad but true. I have a very trusted friend who will act as POA for me one day and i have left instructions that i want no siblings at my funeral i hate hypocrites.
Ive learnt alot from mums dementia that im a very strong person and i really dont need anyone negative in my life.

Alot of people think oh thats sad it will all sort itself out when your mum goes but no its easy to forgive but ill never forget how they all treated me.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,865
0
Yorkshire
I have a difficult relationship with one of my sisters and can never feel the same about her since she flared up about a year ago and said so many cruel and unjustified things to me when I was busy sorting Mum's care. All I did was defend myself and insist that we needed to go on working together but afterwards she acted as if I'd been the aggressive one, not her. It really hurt me and cost me a lot of sleepless nights.

Recently, during my mother's last illness and at the funeral, this sister has gone out of her way to thank me for all I did, but she has never apologised and said that she was wrong to attack me at a time when I needed her support.

I cope now by being as pleasant as possible when we have to meet, but I know that once this is all over I will probably not be seeing her ever again. I can't get over knowing now that she resents and dislikes me so much. And, that being the case, it's unlikely that she'll be issuing any invitations either. It makes me sad, but that's just the way it is. I still love her as my sister - that's something visceral - and I wish her well, but when you know somebody hates you and misinterprets everything you say, it's hard to feel that there's any point in socialising.

I agree with the advice that the others gave you, that there's no point in wasting your life feeling bitter about your sister. You know - and in her heart she knows too - that you did your best for your mother and so your conscience can be at rest.

I have no children at all but I do have an older sister to talk to, with whom I get on well, and a husband who is as close as it's possible for another human being to be. However, I also have women friends to talk to - a neighbour, and some women that I know from my dancing hobby. My advice would be to join a group where you know it will be mainly women - whether cookery, line dancing or whatever, but something you enjoy - and then hopefully you will have female acquaintances to talk to who will become closer friends.

Very best wishes that you'll be able to regain first equanimity & then happiness.
And keep posting on here - you have women friends on Talking Point! xx
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
0
Kent
If you’re into crafts there are groups all over, quilt groups, you don’t have to ever have made a quilt, embroidery groups, knitting groups.
I hate to say it but at the groups I go to, some days very little hand work gets accomplished, but our tongues get well used.
For knitting try local libraries or craft shops, embroidery and quilting have lists on their guild websites,
 

Theresalwaystomorrow

Registered User
Dec 23, 2017
343
0
What lovely honest replies you have, take heed, move on, she has lost a lovely caring sister.
Friends are family, join clubs, walking exercise ect, surround yourself by many female friends and you will be ok x
 

grouse

Registered User
Nov 11, 2013
86
0
Thank you all so much. I'm actually tearful reading those messages, they are so lovely and caring and true. I agree with each and every one of them. I just completely agree.

I'm going to be referring to this thread anytime I feel low and unwanted.

And I know my mum would agree with everyone too. My mum was lovely, kind and caring but very practical and not a person who ever moaned. She knew what my sister was like but she very rarely criticized her to me, mum just wasn't one to talk about others. But I know she didn't have much time for my sister.

It helps to post here and know I'm not alone. Thank you for that x