thank you all so much for replying to me, I really appreciate it and I'll bare in mind the counseling and phone lines provided.
do you know the worst thing for me, my sisters life is bloody brilliant. since mum died she's just gone from strength to strength..all my friends told me my sister would be eaten up with guilt when mum died, but by god she's been the opposite..no guilt, no looking back, just striding forward with life getting better by the year...she's now got grandkids, plenty money, surrounded by her adult children and grandkids, a full life, house in the sun too, everything's wonderful...while I feel I've dragged myself through these years since mum died, with my grieving to do alone, teenagers to deal with, job pressures etc, just how it is living in this day and age, when she was my age she had mum and dad who supported her and her family, a totally different job market and house prices that were sooo low....I know I sound bitter but by god I am and I just wish it would go away...I know she's talking space in my head rent free but it's almost as if she's living the good life and laughing at me..she told me right after we scattered mums ashes how I'd spent enough time looking after mum (as if this was a bad thing/ a waste of my time) and how it was time for me now....as if me looking after mum for so long was a failing, a waste of time I could have been earning money or building up a good pension like her...
I just shake my head when I think of her but I know she has no guilt, no regrets whatsoever and I should move on, but its hard.