1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. Joey

    Joey Registered User

    Jul 16, 2006
    West Yorkshire
    #1 Joey, Jul 16, 2006
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2006
    Hi, my names Joe, Im 18 and im here just to talk about my dad.
    My mum said it would help ages ago, but Ive never bothered coming on until now

    My dad has Alzheimer's, he's only 57ish (hah what kind of son am I if i dont know his age :) ) He's had it for about 3 years now I think, but today everything just blew up. He's usually fine, but today something got him so angry and confused he hit my mum. I totally know this isnt my dad doing it, its the illness, Ive been told that so many times im sick of hearing it. But how many of you here have had to stand between you mother and father stopping him from hitting her. I should not have to do this, this crappy illness has stolen my dad away from me, he's meant to look after me, not the other way around. Its shaken me up so much that I broke down in tears on the phone to my best friend, Ive never done that before, Im a typical teenage boy, keeps himself to himself, but I went and cried, I feel so stupid right now it is unbelievable.

    I just wish this had never happened to me, I wouldnt wish this upon anyone, its one step above death, your loved one is gone in spirit but is still here in body.

    I dont expect replies, that wasnt what I really came for, I just want someone to listen and who understands.

    Thanks, Joe
  2. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Joe
    I'm so glad you've found TP...welcome
    today you've witnessed an awful thing...
    I haven't experienced quite the same thing but my daughter(15) has had to stand between me and my mum while she smacked me and hit me with her walking stick and yes I know how she felt at the time....My eldest son has also had to intervene and like you he's a normal teenage boy(18 in October) and only since then has he been able to open up to his mates a little.
    don't feel stupid
    Don't feel alone
    You'll get plenty of help and support from the people on here ....
    You're right its a dreadful illness....disgusting in its course and how it affects so many others in the family group....
    Have you any brothers or sisters?
    is your dad on any medication at all?
    I'm afraid that the frustration a sufferer feels sometimes manifests itself in anger and violence......
    has it happened before? Is your mum ok now?
    Take care Joe
    let us know how things develop..
    remember we're here to help and advise you along the way
    Lots of love (and hugs....mind you if you're 18 you probably don't want the hugs!!!)
  3. Joey

    Joey Registered User

    Jul 16, 2006
    West Yorkshire
    #3 Joey, Jul 16, 2006
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2006
    Thanks, Yes I have a twin brother, but he was out at work while this happened.
    My dad's on a lot of medication, most of it I cant pronounce :)
    And my mum's fine now, just got a sore mark on her arm. (She's more worried about me to be honest)

    It has happened before, but not to this amount of esculation, Ive never had to step in before.

    Thank you for your kind words, and to be honest I might be 18, but I dont mind hugs :p

  4. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Joe
    perhaps your mum will take him back to the GP
    i know it sounds a bit trivial but I don't think the hot weather helps!
    my mum gets quite difficult when its hot.....
    I'm glad you're not alone....your brother is probably just as screwed up about it as you
    Tell you what though I bet your mum knows she is so lucky to have you both.....I'm sure you know that anyway.....
    and hugs then!!!
  5. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Hi Joe

    I really feel for you - its bad enough being 40'ish:( and having a parent with AD - but to be young as you are must be terrible. Try and remember, that it's not your dad hitting your mum, it's a terrible disease that your dad has no control over. I used to hate seeing my mum getting angry with my dad - he was really ill with cancer and she just never understood how ill he was - wouldn't make him any meals, wouldn't do any ironing, and this - a former farmer's wife who kept a large farm house, raised 5 happy kids, cooked 3 meals a day for 7 of us. It's very sad.

    At least you're not on your own - you have your mum to talk to, your twin and now you have us:)

    Keep posting

  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Joey
    I think one of the most basic lessons that dementia of any sort gives us is that we are all a family.

    Whether we are related, or just reading and responding to others messages on Talking Point. Whether we are crying out in desperation on Talking Point and hoping that someone will reply.

    We are all family.

    In the narrowest context, that of blood family, dementia forces us to understand when the care baton needs to be passed to another member of family in the Relay Race of Life. In your case, your Dad has cared for you and your Mum, but now he tires and needs to pass the baton to someone else. You happen to be the one, and the thing that is important is that you accepted it. It takes a special person to do that, to help your Dad not to hurt your Mum. As you realise, it is not him doing it, but that doesn't make it a jot easier.

    Don't be concerned about any tears you may shed, for him, for Mum, for yourself. We've all done it for the same reason as you. They are tears of honour and there is no greater honour than being so concerned for family that you weep.

    [mind you, it is a bu**er the first time it happens! Rocks your world, doesn't it?]

    Take all the hugs you can get as they help immensely; they show people care. And they - we - do care, after all, we are all in a similar boat. We know where you are at. [even if that is the most appalling English]

    Take it easy, take care of Mum - and Dad of course.

    Do get the doctors involved. Since this has happened, it means that something in your equation of life has changed, and something needs to be adjusted as a result.

    Take care
  7. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    Hi Joey,
    My heart just breaks for you. My Dad died when I was 16 of cancer and all my life I thought that was the worse thing that could happen. Now that I'm seeing my Mom with AD, I know there is much much worse. I can only imagine how much more devastating it would be to handle this at your age with such a youngish parent!
    You are a very special young man to care so much and put your parents well being before your own. Do take care of yourself too and get any help that is available to you in your area.
    Freinds are there for you and if you've noone around for a shoulder at home, TP is always here for you.
    Take care and hugs to you Mom as well.
  8. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Oh Bruce
    I just wish I could come out with the things that you do....you're a lovely lovely man!!
  9. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    I can't handle it any more

    Dear Joey,
    I felt so sad when I read your message. I don't know how I can help you but I will be thinking of you. Have you got an Uncle or Aunt who might be able to support you? I think your family may need some professional guidance now. Please take care and let us know how things are going.
  10. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Joey, know where you are at - I cannot handle it anymore I write this as I await for the paramedics to come and pick Lionel up and put him into bed.

    O.K. I know, not quite your scenario. No he has not hit me - tonight. But again it it one of those situations that are out of my hands. Both neighbours out. so no immediate help. Himself is ranting at me as he sits on the floor. We had such a good day. What a sad end.

    Joe, take heart, life willgive you the strength when it is needed. Never be afraid to come on T.P. rant and rave, whatever. We are here, we know where you are, take care sweetheart.
  11. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    So I don't leave you in the lurch.....Lionel is now safely tucked up in bed by two lovely paramedics.........(As I said to them : could you come back abaout 1.00am when we usually do the first of the calls during the night.?)

    But for now all is quiet, all peaceful.............pure bliss.
  12. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Stop ogling those paramedics Connie!!
  13. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Hi Joey, just wanted to let you know people really do listen here ..... and as for hugs..... don't think it matters whether we're 18 or 80 - all need 'em (and there are some pretty good virtual ones around here, I can tell you!!!:)

    I wouldn't class you as 'typical' - rather 'special' - brave stuff you've gone through already .... great you have the insight into what's going on - and yes you are very young to be taking on board issues around dementia - agree absolutely with Kayla - you need to ensure that 'professionals' are on board for all the family..... including looking after yourself!!!!

    Here's a hug for now.... let us know how you are getting on...

    Love Karen (TF), x
  14. zed

    zed Registered User

    Jul 25, 2005
    Hi Joey

    My heart goes out to you. My mum is 59, I am 28, and my brother is only 19. It must be very difficult for my brother, he won't talk to me about it much. I try and talk to him but I don't seem to get anywhere.

    It sounds like you are doing really well Joey. You are sticking by your parents. No one should have to go through what you are going through at your age. You are so right that you shouldn't be having to look after your parents at this age. I feel very resentful about that. I haven't even had time to have my own children yet!

    Don't forget to look after yourself, this is hard for your parents but for you and your brother too. Keep coming here.
  15. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    i feel very lucky in the fact i am older(49 going on 23!)......at times i resent the fact that my life has suddenly changed....not resentful towards mum but resentful towards the illness...i am so full of admiration for you younger people yet I also feel so sad for you all because you shouldn't have to face this....but you do and thats what makes you so very special.....
  16. Joey

    Joey Registered User

    Jul 16, 2006
    West Yorkshire
    Just thought I would update you all, as I felt selfish taking all your kind words and not replying back to them.

    Seems that my dad might be going into permament care, we've had many visits from doctors, nurses, family over the last few day's. Dad seems to be ok now, but somehow he has lost all mobility with the stairs, before it was hard to get him up and down them, but it took 3 of us to get him down them the other day, It seems the comotion on sunday took all the breath out of him, since it was since then this has happened, but it cant be that, It'll be the new med's or something.

    I dont know how im going to feel if dad moves out, It will be different anyway.

    Once again thanks for all the kind words, and I suppose I'll give you all a *hug* back :)
  17. cynron

    cynron Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    east sussex
    Joey i realy need all the hugs i can get.
    Keep on posting and let us know how it goes with your dad.

    love AND HUGS

    CYNRON X X ;)

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