I can't do this............

sue38

Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
10,854
51
Wigan, Lancs
Hazel,

You started this thread under the title 'I can't do this'. You were absolutely right that you couldn't go on as you were, but what a turnaround! You should rename the thread 'Maybe I can't do this....but I CAN do this...'

Well done on all you have achieved. I know it must have been a difficult decision to book John in to respite, but I'm sure it is the right decision for both of you and it sounds as though you have the support of John's son. (Is this the son who looked after him when you went to London?)

Well done.
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,972
Derbyshire
Now I've just got to convince myself I'm doing the right thing!
YES YES you are!!!!

It sounds as if you have had the much needed support - great.

I hope you are now planning to use your respite time to good advantage.

In some ways I feel quite envious that you have achieved so much, but I am not forgetting how much you have gone through before getting to this point.

Take care and best wishes Jan
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Thanks for the support, folks. Now I've got to keep reading this thread for the next ten day -- only ten days :eek:

Yes, it was the same son, Sue. Although John has got so much worse every day since then, at least he got some idea of the problems.

Love to all,
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,337
Kent
Dear Hazel.

I am impressed. I`m impressed with you and impressed with the SW who has pulled out all the stops to get you immediate help.

I`m very sorry though that John has deteriorated to such an extent that those at daycare noticed just after one long weekend. No wonder you were in a state.

It`s very comforting to know the help is there when you need it most, and gives someone like me, a bit of a boost as well.

The care package sounds brilliant.

Good luck for Sept. 9th. The biggest hurdle will be over.

Love xx
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
The deterioration continues. Tonight for the first time I had to feed him his tea. Couldn't even manage to eat trifle.

Then he fell asleep in his chair, and couldn't stand up when he woke. It took me ages to get him out of the chair. I thought I was going to have to ring for help. Then he refused to go to the toilet, and refused to swallow his pills. He's in bed now, and it's probably flooded already.

Ten days ago this man was fully mobile, walking a mile every morning, and always pleasant and co-operative.

How can it happen so quickly?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,337
Kent
Dear Hazel,

I`m so sad for you both. There have been a couple of posts about rapid deterioration, but it`s outside my experience, and must be very frightening.

I really don`t know what to say.

Love xx
 

Tina

Registered User
May 19, 2006
420
Dear Hazel,

I'm really sorry to hear about John's rapid deterioration. It sounds frighteningly familiar, Aunty Jean was the same. I was walking around town with her one day and having coffee and 2 weeks later she was nowhere near as mobile and in a similar way as you describe John. It's heartbreaking to watch and so hard to grasp.

I'm glad you will be able to get some more help and support.

Thinking of you, and John.

Love,
Tina xx
 

Nell

Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
1,170
68
Australia
Dear Hazel,
Such a power of strength for us all - wish we could help you the way you have helped others. The care home sounds very good - atmosphere and caring are THE most important things.

May you find the courage to stick to your plans, despite the heartbreak. You need it and John will be cared for and safe.

Thinking of you and sending you every best wish for the weeks ahead.
 

DeborahBlythe

Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
9,222
Hello Hazel, well done in getting the care package and respite sorted out. I'm sure you are doing the right thing. Something occurs to me though, and please dismiss it if you think it's rubbish. Would it be worth getting an appointment with the usual GP, if possible, not the locum? I'm wondering if John's deterioration has anything to do with a bladder infection. I know in my mum's case it was a couple of bladder infections which set her on a downward spiral. And the symptoms, (increased confusion, agitation), may be connected with the infection rather than anything else. They could at least test his urine to put your mind at ease, and you could mention that the Temazepine is not working as you had hoped, or possible side effects. Forgive if this has already crossed your mind. Love Deborah
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Thanks for the support, everyone.

Deborah, the UTI had crossed my mind. Our own GP is back on Monday, so I'm waiting for then. I need to see him anyway to discuss possible medication. But John's still producing masses of urine, so UTI may not be the case? (5 saturated pads + 3 visits to toilet between 6pm and 7.30 am) :eek:

I'm definitely coming round to the idea of respite now the decision has been made. He's 6'2 and 12 1/2 stone, and when he's dead weight I can't do anything with him. My neck is killing me again, I'll get some treatment while he's away.

Hope the SW gets the care plan set up quickly.

Love,
 

Mameeskye

Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
1,669
55
NZ
Hi Hazel

Sorry for not being around. (((((hugs)))))

I am so glad that you found someone useful in the social work department. They are worth their weight in gold. My experience with GPs has been similar to yours. Unfortunately there seems to be no training on the different forms of dementia and what happens to their patients and how it affects those caring for them...or if it is available they definitely don't do it.

You are showing immense courage admitting the need for help. It is a very difficult thing for anyone to admit to. As for the in sickness and in health bit you are covering it. If it was severe trauma you wouldn't be expected to do the day to day care. No nurse works 24/7. You should not feel any guilt about needing a break. If a care home proves a godsend you may find that it improves your relationship no end as you will feel fitter and be able to enjoy good times rather than feeling exhausted and just willing yourself to put one foot in front of another.

As for the UTI I would check. Urine production still happens, often more frequently. My mother only tends to fall when she has a UTI. This week she has fallen again and I am waiting a call from the care home about whether she has another UTI. If you can get a sample you could maybe get someone to drop it into the docs for them to stick the dipstick in tomorrow.

Good luck..you haven't many days to go. I hope that you feel you can rest in your break.

Love

Mameeskye
 

connie

Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
9,519
Frinton-on-Sea
Hazel, why did I not think of a UTI. I know Lionel's output of urine was normal (for him), with no unpleasant smell etc. The care home staff did not suspect any thing in that department was wrong.

Only my instinct, and all the useful info. here on TP. Fingers crossed, because an infection can be cleared up, but the havoc it reeks whilst they have it is untold.

I would be inclined not to wait until Monday OMHO. Love,
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Well you were right!

Had an awful night, John very restless. Then when he tried to get up he fell on the floor. I tried for ages to get him up, but couldn't, so rang paramedics.

They got him up, but when I came to change his pad it was stinking! Rang GP and asked for a home visit. Doc (still not our own one) said he would write emergency prescription for antibiotics, I should ring Boots and ask them to collect and deliver urgently. Rang Boots -- they don't deliver, and the girl was already on her way to pick up, so unless it was ready, I'd have to wait till Monday! (So helpful!):(

Rang surgery reception again to check that prescription was ready for collection -- no, they hadn't got it yet, but they'd chase it up!

Rang various friends to see if someone could collect it for me -- no-one answering! (shopping day!)

Rang step-son, who's going to take time off work to sort it. Thank goodness, he's definitely in my will!

Rang daycare to say John wouldn't be coming today. Rang hotel where dementia panel meeting is to be held to pass on message that I wouldn't be coming.

Now John's asleep, my neck is killing me, and I'm so depressed.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,337
Kent
Oh Hazel,

I don`t know what to say to you. Talk about a Roller Coaster! One minute you are cheered because you think you will get the help you need, and then you are let down.

Thank goodness John`s son is proving his worth. I hope he takes things out of your hands for a while and gets you the help you need.

Take care

Love xx
 

blue sea

Registered User
Aug 24, 2005
270
England
Swallow your pride, Hazel and bombard SS, GP, CPN -everyone - with calls telling them you need urgent help with John. Sounds to me that the planned Spetember date is too far off and you need respite help NOW. Thinking of you as you travel this difficult road.
Blue sea
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Hazel
this has now become emergency respite.
Ring SS duty desk and tell them that you need help now,otherwise you will walk out and leave the lot to them.
This should work.
Thinking of you
Norman
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Dear Hazel, I always hesitate to give advice in this situation, because caring for a spouse is very different from caring for a parent, but PLEASE listen to Norman: he's been there and his advice is golden.

Love