I can't do this............


Registered User
Sep 26, 2005
east sussex
a few more months

I was also faced with the hospital telling me to place my husband in a home last spring.

Well i took him home and we had a lovely summer,bar b qu's ,cream teas on the village green,birthday tea with family in the garden,trip out with the altz group to Eastbourne.But come October he deteriated and the time had come for me to let him go.

He was in 3 different homes ,dont ask. he passed away in April this year and i know i will not regret our last summer together.

The medical team does not always know best.

Love Cynthia x x


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
I feel heartbroken today. Everything is arranged for tomorrow, the hospital will take John to the NH, where I'll be waiting for him.

I know it's the only possible decision, he was agitated and unco-operative again yesterday, and I couldn't do anything with him. I hope it's not the start of another infection.

After another sleepless night, my sister rang again from Australia to ask what was happening. Never known for her tact, dear sis launched into a long, rambling story about one of her bridge partners who had just put his wife into a home so that he could go on long holidays with his lady friend, spending his wife's money.

That was not what I needed to hear this morning.

This is not the hardest thing I've ever had to do, burying my daughter takes that place, but I had no choice in that. This is definitely the hardest decision I've had to make, and it's tearing me apart.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Hazel,

Please believe me when I say I wish things were different, in more ways than one.

Love xx


Registered User
May 19, 2006
My heart goes out to you this morning, Hazel. I don't have any clever or profound words to offer. And your sister rambling on about someone else putting their partner into a home to be able to go off on long holidays and spend their money is the last thing you needed.

I hope that once John is actually in the home and has settled down a little and you have established a bit of a routine, things will feel a little "better"...sorry can't think of another word here, hence the inverted commas.

You'll find lots of support and hugs and smiley thoughts being sent out to you in the next few days and weeks as you come to terms with the decision you've made. It was a brave one, and one which will assure John will get the best possible care aside from the one you could offer him. No nursing home can give him the love he receives from you, and you will continue that in abundance. But he will be in a safe environment with people at hand to help him when necessary and much kindness around him too.

It doesn't take the heartbreak away though, I know that.

Maybe it'll help a little bit to know you'll be in everyone's thoughts, as will John as he moves to his new home.

Much love,
Tina xx


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
So sorry to read latest news Sylvia. You and John are uppermost in my thoughts and prayers. Wish I could do something.

Special hug coming your way. Love



Registered User
Aug 9, 2007


Today is not going to be easy and I am sure that you will shed many tears once home tonight.

I have not done this for a partner, but for my Mother and although at the time it was hard, it has become easier. Visiting Mum in her home is now like visiting family. You feel strange with it all to start off with but you develop relationships with the carers and start to know them and their families too as well as the other residents too.

You also will have less stress and can do as much of the care or as little of the care as you want. You can also have breaks when you need it. If you are ill you do not have to carry on going but can take a break.

At the moment it will feel like a bereavement without a "death" but then that is this disease all over. Let yourself grieve and as you do the silver lining of the cloud will start to shine through.

Thinking of you today.




Registered User
Nov 28, 2005

Just to say you are in my thoughts and just wishing things were easier. In a way the decision had to be made - its now just the seeing it through.

As time passes I hope it gets that little bit easier. When you are with John you will (as always) give him your total love and attention without the tension of struggling with the impossible at home.

I cannot find words of comfort good enough to help you, so for now just my very best wishes Jan


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Thank you, everyone, for the love and hugs. I really need them today.

I spoke to the manager today, and I'm going in in the morning to get the room set up. I've printed out some of John's paintings and framed them, and the handyman is going to hang them for me. Also some family photos. Then there's his squirrel from Drumlanrig. I hope I'll be able to make the room welcoming for him.

Then he's being transferred in the afternoon, and I'll be there when he arrives. I do hope he settles all right and isn't too unhappy. Our lovely SW has set up a review meeting for six weeks time.

Fingers crossed for us tomorrow, please.


Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
NW England
Skye said:
...... but I had no choice in that.
Hazel, it seems like you have little choice here either. Not that that will be much crumb of comfort to you just now. You continue to amaze me at how rational you can be and retain such a sense of perspective about situations that would have me crumbling in an emotional heap. Your strength and logic over these last few weeks has been so evident and inspiring against the backdrop of the trauma you have been faced with ......

This sudden 'rapid decline' is one so many of us must fear ...... whatever the suggested diagnosis. Thank you sharing what you and John have gone through this far ........ whilst 'checking in' to see how you both have been getting on it has also prompted me to consider doing more homework on 'contingency' plans ......

Absolutely everything that can be crossed for you both will be crossed, I promise.

Hugest hugs ... Karen, x


Registered User
Aug 10, 2007
my thoughts are with you and wishing you luck:eek:

I took the plunge having put off the task of giving care homes the once over. I know MIL is nowhere near the stage John is, but I would like her to have some say in where she will be cared for if, and when the time comes that she needs 24/7 care. The one we looked at was very nice, had single & double rooms, one bedroom flats and a dementia department. It was the first one we looked at having spent hours on the net looking.

It is the decision that we are dreading and I can already feel the guilt having just looked!!

Reading your posts you have done everything you could possibly do for John, I can see that from a distance. When it comes to our own, there is no such clear cut decision, large or small without the constant fear that we are doing the wrong thing.

Will be with you in spirit tomorrow and wishing you well



Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
leigh lancashire
Dear Skye,wishing you both the best for tomorrow,It's a big step,but one that will hopefully the right one for you both.I just wish John was coming to the home i work in!Guaranteed love and care,especially from me.Take care and i hope all goes well.The 6 week review is normal practice.Promise me that you will be honest with staff about Johns' needs.Be them good or bad,you have seen my postings about a resident and the last thing i want is anything happening to you and John that can be avioded.I know you want the best care for John and may I say,so do i!I feel like you live next door.love elainex


Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
Dear Hazel, sorry to have been out of touch for so long. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and wishing you the calmest and most benign day possible. Much love, Deborah xx


Registered User
Jun 26, 2006
Hello Hazel
Best of luck with your big move tomorrow. Its very hard..and as much as we prepared ourselves it was still incredibly difficult..and MIL was not happy for the first week or so.. even tried to climb out of the window which was incredibly distressing for everyone. but she has settled.. She even takes the dog out walking with her carers not a thought of `escaping anymore..it has become home. She now has 24/7 care..gets on well with the carers...so keep strong. It would be amazing if it all went smoothly. We had to cope with tears on visiting and leaving for a while..but no more. No one would choose to go into an EMI home..but needs must..and families need to be able to let someone else do the nitty gritty and we can then do the lovely stuff. We have re-discovered a different relationship now..all the weariness and stress made us forget the good things, and we get such a welcome when we go in, and we can spoil her and concentrate on making her happy..someone else can do the 24/7 stuff. I also have noticed that we are not being punished anymore ..she used to get so cross and frustrated with us for trying to keep her safe and cared for .. we are now the good cops!
And... there will be time to discover you again ..so treat yourself a bit and try to keep those guilt demons at bay. There is a new life ahead.
Thinking of you


Registered User
Mar 23, 2006
Hi Hazel .
I hope all goes well tomorrow. It is a good idea to take in some personal things before John gets there. When Jim went to the nome he is now in I took his paintings...he was a brilliant artist sadly it was the first thing he lost the ability to do. The chest of drawers from his bedroom that had five small drawers and two large drawers that he regularly rumaged through looking for something terribly important that never seemed to get found! His music centre TV and TV cabinet so all were familiar to him and last but not least his guitar ..he can still play a few chords.
This preparation did seem to help...there have been many strained visits when he says that he is coming home and if I need a rest I can stay there instead and there are still tears from both of us I have nearly got into the car and gone to fetch him home once or twice ..but there is light at the end of the tunnel he is settling in a lot more now and taking part in the activities there.I know in my head that this is the best thing for both of us but my heart still aches.

Love to you and john....Judith