I cant do it anymore

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by lindsey60, Oct 15, 2014.

  1. lindsey60

    lindsey60 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2013
    My mum is now end stage..has been for a couple months. She doesnt talk..doesnt eat...doesnt do anything really other than drink...she doesnt know anyone..just sits and stares into space....I love her to bits but I just cant go in anymore and watch her fade away...Im disabled myself and am struggling...I m going down hill rapidly....what do I do ? the guilt Im feeling is horrendous...but how do I make it ok for her and me ??
  2. lindsey60

    lindsey60 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2013
    am I such an awful person that no one will help ???
  3. Nanak

    Nanak Registered User

    Mar 25, 2010
    Brisbane Australia
    Hi Lindsay
    I didn't want to read and run. Not sure what time it is where you are but I am in Australia so lunchtime here.
    I'm so sorry you feel like this but it is understandable. When my Mum was in the end stages of Alzheimers I used to wish she would just go to sleep and not wake up. She was in the UK being cared for at home and I only saw her once or twice a year and that was horrendous enough.
    If Mum doesn't know you are there can you give yourself a break from it for a while? You have to look after yourself first and are obviously under a lot of stress. The guilt monster is ever present with us all but sometimes you need to ignore it. Hard as that is
    I don't have any concrete advice but someone will be along later I'm sure with help.

  4. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    #4 lin1, Oct 15, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2014
    Hello Lindsey60
    You are not an awful person far from it.
    I have always found that those who should not feel any guilt at all , suffer loads of it and those that should, seldom seem to .
    ((((((HUGS)))))) I just couldn't just read and run
    Would your family Doctor be able to help

    I hope others on here who know what's available in Australia will be along soon..
  5. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    #5 lin1, Oct 15, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2014
    Wrong info
  6. jeany123

    jeany123 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2012
    Hello Lindsey , I am so sorry about your mum and about you being so ill , of course you are not a bad person or you wouldn't be on here, you sound as though you are at the end of your tether have you got someone to talk to, would your GP help, or your local Alzheimers society,

    If you are in UK this is how to find it
    or the helpline is 0300 222 1122

    Best Wishes Jeany

    Lin I'm not sure that Lindsay is in Australia I can't find anything that says that,
    Nanak is in Australia,
  7. Sammyjo1

    Sammyjo1 Registered User

    Jul 8, 2014
    Hello Lindsey. It sounds as if you're really struggling with your emotions right now and that's totally understandable given your situation. You're not an awful person and I'm so sorry that you think that you might be. You must be exhausted.

    Have you thought about contacting Samaritans? There's always someone on the end of the phone 24 hours a day (08457 909090) or email jo@samaritans.org. They are really good at helping you offload all your feelings and you can be totally honest with them.

    Good luck
  8. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    Hi, you are not an awful person, I find myself constantly wishing my Mum would go peacefully and put an end to this nightmare, it is difficult to visit when they are like this and you should do what is right for you and your own health. Why not make a phone call weekly to the car home to ask how she is, this may help you to feel less guilty, not that you should feel guilty if you are unable to visit through ill health, it is a valid reason for you not to visit. Forgive yourself and remember your Mum is not alone, she has the carers with her. Another thought is that you could send her a letter each week, ask the care home if someone could read it to your Mum. Take care of yourself xx

  9. Neph

    Neph Registered User

    Jan 27, 2014
    I to have my mum at end stage, which has been going on far longer than her prognosis suggested. I'd sort of built myself up to deal with it when it came and now she is still here I am really struggling to deal with all the emotions.

    Can't really offer any advice, just a big hug x
  10. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    Lindsey & Neph - so sorry that you are both having such dreadful times. Haven't been in your position yet so can only imagine how awful it is.

    Lindsey - even if your Mum is just staring into space, if she is showing no sign of pain or distress please try to take comfort from that. It means that the paid carers are doing their jobs. Ensure that they know you want to be contacted if there is anything they feel you can do for your Mum - but if not then please try to take some time off and know that you should feel no guilt. Try to accept that she is not "seeing" the care home and try to imagine that she is lost in distant daydreams of happier times.
  11. Oxy

    Oxy Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    Lindsey, whilst not in your position, I can really sense how you feel. I so feel for your pain. Please see your GP and hopefully he can give you advice/medicine to take the edge off the intense emotional pain. Please take a little rest but I suggest with family or friends. You are feeling so low right now that I feel if you take a rest alone it would not be as beneficial as all your thoughts would race around doing overtime. I so hope that you will feel a little better soon and that after a little break you will find this very distressing situation easier to bear. You need to look after yourself so that when needed you can give your mother the final support you would I know want. My very best wishes go to you.
  12. lallstom

    lallstom Registered User

    Jul 31, 2013
    How are you, I am in a similar position and not coping well. I have not visited now for 3 days because I just cry. My mother is unresponsive like yours, just lies and occasionally drinks.
    I know she is well looked after.
  13. lindsey60

    lindsey60 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2013
    Thank You Everyone

    I wanted to respond to everyone who left a message..but so many and not much time. I cant thank you all enough for your kind messages of support. My heart goes out to all of you who are facing the same situation I am...and to those who have been there. Its heartbreaking and so stressful....Its 1.30am and Ive just had a call from the care home....Ive been waiting for this call for 3 hrs...Dr has just left Mum and she has Pneumonia...I did take a break and it gave me time to think and to just breath...something I hadnt had time to do. To those going through the same....its important to take time out...it really does help...I was at the end of my tether up till that point. For me now I hope the end is at hand....I want my mum to be with my dad and in peace...I truly hope you all find a way through this that you can feel comfortable with....and your loved ones have their peace too....but with this horrible diease we never know what tomorrow holds :(
  14. loza

    loza Registered User

    Jul 4, 2013

    We are also in the same position and not having any sleep for 24 hours does not make it any easier, mum is being cared for and is locked into her world although she opens her eyes she does not look at anything just stares, she does not respond even to music any more, taking one day at a time we just hope she joins dad and her family with ease, I cannot believe in a modern day society we just leave people to fade away like this i think we should join together and campaign for some sort of help to make it easier for them at the end.
  15. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Lindsey and Ioza

    I really hope that your MUm's are both peaceful; keep talking to them as your voices will be a comfort. I've read that hearing is the last sense to go.

    Terrible times for both of you and I wish that you continue to have strength at this very sad time.

    Take care

    Lyn T
  16. loza

    loza Registered User

    Jul 4, 2013
    Lyn t

    Thank you,
    I know thats what they say, but will she even know its me as she has forgot who I am some weeks ago, could it just be another meaningless voice to her now, emotionally I am all over the place.
  17. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    It's worth trying if you can. My oh hasn't known me for years but when he's been asleep with infections he has smiled in response to my voice. The Carers in my Husband's CH are VERY honest with me and admit that Pete doesn't know me but they say that deep down he does respond to me.

    Of course your emotions are shot-you are seeing your Mum slipping away. It is very hard and it's all very well me saying talk to your Mum etc. You are the only one who really knows what to do. Follow your instincts.

    Take care

    Lyn T
  18. MirandaT

    MirandaT Registered User

    Jul 19, 2010
    It's just about impossible to know if they recognise your voice, but I reckoned that my mum would like to hear a kind voice anyway, even if she didn't know who it was. I sang to my mum a lot and my only worry was that I don't sing in tune and whether it might be annoying her! You almost have to forget that they are your parent towards the end, it's like the roles are reversed.
  19. lindsey60

    lindsey60 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2013
    #19 lindsey60, Nov 10, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2014
    My mum passed away last night after being diagnosed with Pneumonia 5 days ago...finally she is at peace and with my dad. I had spent the day with her on thursday after having a break for a while...when we got there she was sleepy and unresponsive...in all honesty we thought she wouldnt last the night...but by the time we left she was alert and giving those sarcastic funny looks to my son like she used to...the rolling of the eyes as if to say stupid boy LOL...I swear she was waiting for our visit to let go. This all says to me that she had some sense of who we were even if she couldnt talk...she then stopped drinking...she hadnt eaten at all for some time just drank fortisip...but it was almost like she had decided shed had enough now. Keep strong Ioza and Neph..I know its hard. Take a break when you feel you need one and just do what you can,,,but I beg you not to drive yourself as hard as I did and make yourself ill...and always remember you need care too..my heart goes out to you x x
  20. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm so sorry to read if your loss Lindsey. Sending my condolences.

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