I can't deal with this any more

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by kennyuk, Dec 13, 2006.

  1. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Kenny, Please, please accept what`s best for your father, as well as for you. You were out of control, heading for, goodness knows what, and your father was a risk to his own safety, as well as yours and your brothers.

    It will take a team of professionals to look after him and you could not possibly have done it by yourself. You have not let him down.

    I know how much you love him, but sometimes love is not enough. You must not let guilt take over, you have NOTHING to be guilty about. You tried your best as much as anyone could.

    Now you must take time to recover your own health and strength. Give yourself some TLC, instead of beating yourself up.

    With treatment, your dad may calm down, and you may be able to visit him and re-build the relationship you treasure so much.

    Look after yourself now. I`m so relieved the responsibility for your dad has been taken out of your hands.

    Take care, you are a wonderful son. Love Sylvia x
  2. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Kenny
    i go along with all the others....you have not let your dad down at all.....you've made sure you got him the help he needs....Please don't be so hard on yourself.....your dads safe now and will get the help he needs...
    You really are a loving caring son....
    now you must be kind to yourself...
    keep posting to let us know how you and dad are
    love xx
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Kenny, what you deserve is 3 cheers and a big hug. You've managed to get your father the help he so clearly needs, and that's no mean achievement as many of us on this board can attest to. He is now somewhere where he is safe and being monitored, and you can take this time to get yourself back in a healthy place. As other have said - it's not that YOU can't take care of him, it's that this disease means that no ONE person can take care of him. If he needed surgery, you wouldn't expect to do it for him, would you? This is exactly the same - he has a health issue that you can't fix, and he needs specialist treatment.


  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Kenny
    Love is a much mis-used word these days, mostly mis-used in fact.

    People say they love chocolate, they love the Arctic Monkeys, they love this or that - or almost anything.

    There are other words they might use - value, like, enjoy - but love is a word that should be used sparingly.

    There's no greater love than to care for someone so much that you will do what is good for them when no-one else can, though it may tear you apart, and though they may not at the time [or even ever] understand that what you are doing is for their own good.

    You've not let him down and, in a different situation, he'd be proud of you, for your love and for your strength.

    Now's the time to give yourself a little space. Please don't berate yourself for what you have or have not done.
  5. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hiya Kenny

    Kenny your being very hard on yourself..............from what i can see, you took control of a situation that was out of control!..........don't degrade yourself for that.........you deserve a pat on the back.

    If it was your old dad, the one you've always known, then i'm sure he would be proud of you for making such a difficult decision in such difficult circumstances.........you done something which you knew was going to hurt you a lot more than it would hurt your dad, and you've done it because you love him, i see no wrong in that.

    Best wishes
    Love Alex x
  6. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006

    My Mother was assesed by the Phychiatrist a week before she died and her MMSE score was zero

    She was going to be sectioned so they could asses her

    The hospital staff could not cope with her wandering
    We could not possible have cared for her

    You have done the best and only thing you could do and you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to feel guilty about
  7. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hiya Kenny

    Its called, in a nutshell, tough love.

    The easiest thing in the world to have done was not to get your dad the help he clearly needed. You did 150% the right thing out of love. Please dont beat yourself up over it.

    Now that its done, he will get the help he needs.

    Sending you a big hug for being soooooo brave.
  8. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Of course you aren't "nothing", there are some illnesses that need specialist care, hope he is getting the care he needs, and hope you are getting a good rest.

  9. Momx4

    Momx4 Registered User

    Oct 19, 2006
    #29 Momx4, Dec 16, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2006
    Dear Kenny

    My mother was moved into a secure EMI unit in July for similar reasons - her safety & personal health - and her team were also supportive in that they acknowledged the stress taking care of her 'outside' was causing us as carers.

    Nevertheless I felt a real failure at first. It has taken me a while to adjust my thinking but Kenny, after 5 months in the unit, my mother has gained some weight. Her diabetes and blood pressure are stable because she accepts her medication from the nurses. Mom has had fewer distressing psychotic episodes and she can't risk injury by wandering. It was becoming almost impossible to keep her indoors. One of us had to be awake all the time because she believed 'they' were somewhere in the house and were coming to kill her. Mom still has anger and paranoia attacks but to a lesser degree because her environment is calmer and more controlled and also the staff have far greater expertise than I had in handling them.

    Kenny, you too need to heal and sleep like I did. Visit when both you and the nursing staff feel the time is right and your father has settled. We were advised not to go for a couple of weeks but the staff were fine about me phoning to check on progress.
    Now we can visit Mom at will and my children can visit their Gran. If Mom starts reacting negatively, staff are there to provide support or suggest a distraction.

    I can't say that there aren't times when the niggly voice of guilt creeps in. Kenny, it will creep in - but AD is an illness which takes many forms as it progresses and some aspects are beyond what we, as non-professionals, can deal with.

    I will keep you in my thoughts.
  10. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    Thanks for all the good wishes.
    It's early days, but dad seems better already, the change of enviroment seems to have done him good, I just hope it lasts.
    He will be getting tests this week, so it will be busy.

    I'm still trying to come to terms with the guilt, & saddness I feel, i doubt I ever will,
  11. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005

    Thank you so much Bruce for saying this.

    Kenny, some years ago I had to have my son sectioned. First I had to call the police (because of violence) and then I travelled in the police van front seat with the policemen while my son was locked in the cage in the back and was screaming and crying and hitting the van sides. The police were wonderful to me and to him, and on arrival at the psychiatric hospital my son was placed in the intensive care unit. (The actual sectioning - the official part - tok place 24 hours later.)

    I don't think I have ever (or hopefully will ever) live through something that tore me apart more than this. The pain of seeing my son incarcerated because of HIS pain was excrutiating. The guilt was overwhelming.

    My son did recover. He has now had several years without a further psychiatric illness, and is living a good and happy life. I know this wouldn't have happened if he hadn't received treatment.

    My message to you is that Bruce is rigtht. Sometimes it takes greater love to do the hardest thing. Doing what is needed for people when they reach the stage my son and your Dad have reached is beyond our loving care. Professional help must be sought.

    May your Dad and you find peace and comfort in the coming weeks. (The guilt is always there, but it fades.) Hugs from Nell
  12. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    Well, it's now 4 days, and dad seems realitivly ok, but I think he's feeling the loneliness, and restrictions. He's always been used to choosing his own meals, and how he spends his day. The other residents are not very talkitive with him, and he really picks up on that.
    He's also not too impressed with the way things are run on the ward, one night he was left in his chair sleeping until 3am, no one checked (or cared ???) that he was in his bed.
    I only wish I was wealthy enough to give him custom care, not the take it, or leave it, approch of the NHS.
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Kenny, Are you sure no one checked or cared whether or not your dad was in bed at 3a.m.?
    As you say, it is only 4 days since he was sectioned. Leading up to that, your posts were in despair about his erratic and agressive behaviour. Could it be that staff had difficulty in settling him for the night? Did you ask them? Even if he was sleeping in his chair, at least he was sleeping, and warm and safe.
    It`s early days yet, Kenny and there`s unlikely to be any dramatic change just yet. Give it a while, let your dad settle, be sympathetic, but take what he says with a pinch of salt.
    How are YOU? That`s the important question for the moment.
  14. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #34 Margarita, Dec 19, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2006
    yes i was also thinking that grannie g .
    Kenny you could ask the night team if they are haveing difficulty getting your dad to sleep in a bed, as he said that he was left in a chair until 3am , see what they say to that , if your dad got it wrong or not at lest they know your on top of it
  15. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    ... like ranting and raving at you and threatening to set the house on fire? confused:

    I think what you're saying is a bit like what I felt when my dad went into care Kenny. When he was at home I was worried sick about him and desperate for him to be taken somewhere safe. Once he was safe those fears got sort of half forgotten, and replaced by upset about him losing his freedom. And (I'm guessing because of how I felt) I bet if they said they were discharging him home tomorrow you'd be back to the initial worries again. There's no ideal solution in this one ....... just the best of a number of difficult options.

    Were you there at 3am or has dad told you what happened re sleeping in the chair? It may not be how it seemed. I know that at dad's nursing home people were allowed/ enabled to sleep in the lounge - if they'd settled it maybe seemed a shame to get them up and disorientate them further. It also meant that night staff were sitting with them because they sat in the lounge when not actively involved with residents. And perhaps because of that it felt safer to some residents. Or maybe it's simply about giving him a choice of where he sleeps and when.

    Like grannie g and margarita say ...... try chatting to the ward staff and find a bit more about what's going on, so you can work together with it. Dad will probably either have a keyworker that you can talk to, or usually there's one or two staff you feel more comfortable with than the others ....... so maybe pick one of them and ask to talk about your concerns.
  16. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    You're all correct of course, it's just all so confusing.
    I see dad (almost) like his old self, talking to me, and I see the loneliness & hurt he's feeling, and I think trying to hide that hurt from me as he's always done, he's always hid his feelings over the years.

    I suppose I hate the thought of him just being left, or ignored by staff. I was in a general hospital a few years back with a severe infection, and my experiences with staff & other patients were not good.
    I know this is a different place, but I suppose those bad memories are affecting my judgement a little, I don't want my dad to feel the way I did in hospital.

    Maybe I just need to relax, and stop worrying so much, if only I knew how.
  17. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    At least he's talking to you like his usual self. Hope you can get your concerns through to the people who are looking after him.

    (Yes, I've had some bad hospital experiences too, as patient and as visitor.)

  18. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    it's early days kenny. you must be exhausted quite apart from anything else. it'll take a while to get used to dad being there, however good the care is. maybe need to accept that it's going to be a while before you really feel able to relax.

    suggest you try to alternate between a) trying to not think about dad ... he may be unhappy on the ward, but he may well have been unhappy if he were at home, and at least now he's reasonably safe. So you finally have a little space to catch up with your life and your friends, and b) spending time on the ward with dad, not just visiting but getting to know the staff and the environment. If you get a better sense of what care dad is getting and who's giving it I think you'll either feel more able to relax with it ........ or (hopefully not this option) realise you need to take some issues up with management etc.
  19. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    #39 Cate, Dec 21, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2006
    Hi Kenny

    It took me a while to get to grips with mum living in the NH, and seeing it as 'her' home.

    I remember going in early one evening seeing mum and a few other residents in PJ's and dressing gowns, my thoughts were the day staff were helping the night staff get these people ready for bed too early.

    When I asked the nurse about this, she pointed out that this was their 'home', and some like to change out of their day clothes early, mum included, she then went onto say when she gets home from work she has a shower and gets into her dressing gown!

    It did not really occur to me to think of it in that way, yes, it was now mums home, and she treats it as such. Gosh, when she was living on her own, in the days just before she went to the NH we couldn't get her to dress into day clothes at all.

    I know of one lady who regularly falls asleep in her chair in the lounge, the staff simply leave her there until she wakes and then help her to bed. My other half, many a night have I left him asleep on the sofa, he eventually wakes and trundles up to bed in the wee small hours.

    I think its a case of coming to terms with that this is dads new home, and you have to have some trust that the staff know what they are doing, talk to them, I'm sure they will be able to reassure you, and the more time you spend with dad, I'm sure like me, the penny will drop that although there are lots of other people living there, and it seems a more 'public' place, nevertheless its dads new home, and he may well now and then choose to sleep in a chair, think positive, nice to know that it was OK for him to do so, and nobody upset him by insisting he went to bed!
  20. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    Today wasn't good, dad's quite down, and grumpy.
    He's saying he has nothing in common with the staff & patients, and spends most of the day in his room. He's also refusing some of the meals saying it's "slop". So i've been bringing him sandwiches, otherwise i'm worried he won't eat anything.

    I really don't know what's happening, the doctor hasn't even been in touch with me.

    The only hopeful sign is I discussed moving to a care home with dad, and he seemed quite keen on the idea, but i've no idea how long that would take, does anyone know ? Dad has no assests apart for his state pension.

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