I can't deal with this any more

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by kennyuk, Dec 13, 2006.

  1. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    I can't deal with this any more. The doctor finaly saw dad and said he will need to be assesed, but doesn't know when that will be.
    In the meantime my dad is shouting and cursing at me, ranting & raving calling me a traitor, saying he is going to set the place alight.
    This is hell, I can't deal with this, i'm very close to breaking up completely.

    I can't believe how useless the authorities are. Why should I be left in this hell. Doesn't my mental health count for anything.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    #2 Grannie G, Dec 13, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2006
    Kenny, Does your father have any control over his behaviour. If he has, I suggest you tell him, in no uncertain terms, that unless he stops ranting and raving you will not continue to look after him. Then take yourself in another room and ignore him. It sounds harsh, I know, but I had to resort to this tactic with my husband and it did calm him down. Needless to say, I`m very ashamed that I lost it, but it did have some positive effect. My husband was shocked by my reactions, and I really believe he didn`t realize just how awful he was being.

    If he has no control over his behaviour, you must get on to emergency Social Services, whenever there`s an incident, tell them you can`t cope and your father is putting your life at risk [by threatening to set the house on fire].

    I hope you get some help soon. You certainly need it. Take care, Sylvia
  3. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hiya Kenny

    I would agree with Sylvia.................you cannot afford to take it lightly when someone threatens to do something like set the house on fire...........let alone the fact that he has AD and is unpredictable.

    ..........well thats not good enough Kenny!..........like Sylvia says....get on to emergency social services and don't take no for an answer!........your dad needs to be assessed urgently so that you can get the help that is needed in order for you to cope!

    Good luck
    Love Alex x
  4. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    I just got the phone call, the doctor is coming on Friday morning, I suppose that's their version of urgent.
    I really don't think it will make any difference. Dad can often give the right answers to official people, like what happened today. He can be very calm.
    The only way dad will do, or go anywhere, is if he is sectioned. Otherwise, he will do nothing, and we are left in hell.
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Well Kenny, I would have to say if he can give the "right" answers to officials, then as Sylvia indicated, these outbursts are under his control, at least at some level. Is there anything specific that triggers them? Becasue if there is, perhaps you need to "set the stage" as it were before the doctor comes. Also, have you tried recording one of these outbursts? Sometimes people need to see (or rather hear) just how bad it gets.

  6. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    Borrow a Video Camera
    Set it up hidden by a blanket or something ........record your father then play that back to the doctor
    I suspect your Father has Vascular Dementia as it seems my Mother was a real sweetie to everyone but family
  7. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    I've just read a bit about , it certainly sounds like dad.
    Even if they refuse treatment, can a person suffering from this be forcibly taken into care if their behavior is causing mental angish to relatives ?
    I really don't think I can cope. As I said in another post I also look after my brother who has Scizophrenia, I can't do both. I have a couple of illnesses myself, and have suffered from depression.
  8. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    Dad is quite stable today, and cheerful. I feel so guilty asking for the assesment, he will be so upset when the doctors come to see him tomorrow.
    I'm in tears again, i'm sorry dad.
  9. mariew1

    mariew1 Registered User

    Dec 13, 2006
    similar experience

    Dear Kenny
    My thoughts are with you and I could see many similarities with my mum.For about a year my mum was "able" to say the "right" responses to the medical profession etc and even family members -except me!
    She fooled many relations and medics for a long time and I was the only one who got the brunt-psychotic behaviour and thoughts.It was a nightmare.Keep strong and I think it is a good idea re the video or recording as I too reached the point of no return.Due to my mum's ability to be selective with her reality and I think learnt required responses this caused undue arguments and nearly broken relationships within my family dynamics.
    If you are feeling this way you can't go on -the following weeks/months will be tough but you must keep your resolve for your own mental health and quality of life.
    Remember your Dad will behave very "child like" and use emotional blackmail-don't mean that nasty -but it is not sustainable.I'm sure many as myself have been where you are now but you have to think of everyone's quality of life for the future and that is not always by being together.
    Take Care x
  10. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006

    I know exactly how you feel .....its truly awful to see anyone with Vascular Dementia because the swings from "normality" to the crazies are so extreme from minute to minute and hour to hour

    The patients will vehemently deny theres anything wrong , that they need help or that their behaviour is causing distress

    Tell the GP all the various symptoms and tell him its been strongly suggested by others who have been there ......that your Father has Vascular Dementia and that you insist on a full Mental Health referral PDQ

    If my Mothers GP s had not stonewalled me when i contacted them we might have saved a lot of anguish
  11. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    May I suggest you download and print out this thread? I realise it requires you to self reveal to the doctor, but it will also let him / her see that you are really suffering. The Doc. will also see that this selective behaviour is not uncommon. I do sincerely hope you get the help you so obviously need. My heart goes out to you. Nell
  12. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    Thanks all, i'm hoping for the best.
  13. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Good luck for omorrow Kenny.....let us know how it goes.

    i really do know how that feels....mum can be all sweetness and light at times and its so hard for you as a carer to switch your emotions on and off and I for one end up feeling guilty when mum is in a good mood.....it makes me think"oh well....things are not as bad as I make them out to be". you can't win sometimes:confused:
    marie is right about the emotional blackmail.....it does happen I'm afraid....
    Take care
    love xx
  14. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    I don't know about emotional blackmail, i'm more worried dad will start shouting, and be agressive.
  15. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    maybe if he does that infront of the GP that kind of proves your point ...... unpleasant as it may be. failing social services intervention ...... if he's being aggressive towards you and threatening to set fire to the place, perhaps your only (best?) option is the police. at least (unlike social services or the GP) they DO have the right to take him to a place of safety if he's being a danger to others.
  16. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Kenny

    I agree totally with all that's been said, went through the same with my mum, thankfully the Consultant saw right through the 'act' mum put on for him during his first visit, and as time went on over the months, her guard was down with him, and out came all the bad stuff that we had been putting up with.

    I got urgent action because I was able to tell them that mum was buring papers in her sink late at night and other residents in her block could smell the smoke. Dont take the 'setting fire' as just a threat from your dad, if the thought is in his head, he may just do it!!

    You need to lay it on the line tomorrow that this cannot continue, and dont feel guilty (I know easier said than done, especially when they are having a 'good' moment).

    Keep strong, and good luck.
  17. kennyuk

    kennyuk Registered User

    Nov 18, 2006
    My dad was sectioned today. The guilt is overwhelming If I was any sort of a man I would looked after him, but i'm nothing, I deserve nothing, i'm ****.
    I'm so sorry dad, I let you down I love you so much.
  18. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #18 Margarita, Dec 15, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2006
    You never let your father down KennyUK , its the Disease in his brain , Not making him realise , what you are doing is the best for your father, hope in the future your see this , the guilt clouding your mind, easy for me to say as I am not living in your shoes. but I do undertand that feeling of guilt and how bad it makes you feel, not a nice feeling , when you know you done the right thing deep down .
  19. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    got to disagree with you kenny! you've been fighting to get dad the help he needs and worrying that your concerns won't be taken seriously. you've managed to get him that help and get it taken seriously.

    what i remember of the mental health act suggests you're over-estimating your power in this. people aren't sectioned because their sons can't look after them. they're sectioned because (usually) a psychiatrist, GP and social worker agree that the person has a mental health problem which needs assessment or treatment and the only way of doing that safely is to take them to a "place of safety" against their will.

    making sure that that happens when it needs to happen is fulfilling your responsibilities to someone, not letting them down. what were the options? that he continued as he was until someone (or himself) was seriously hurt? that you couldn't cope at all any longer and just walked out? that the nightmare just went on?

    that's the reality ........... I can appreciate some of how you're feeling though. I fought for ages to get dad's GP and social worker to DO something. When they finally arranged some emergency respite for him, and I took dad off there ...... he wasn't together enough to disagree ............... I thought I would feel so relieved etc ........... but I felt completely s**t. Laid awake all night crying. I guess sometimes what we do can seem awful .......... but then all the alternatives stink as well :eek:
  20. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Well said Áine

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