You see Ann-marie, as Karen has said
somehow it helps to know we are not alone.
Tender Face said:
somehow it helps to know we are not alone.
i cant cope
- Thread starter Ann-marie
- Start date
Dear Anne-Marie,
At some time or other everybody, but everybody, feels that they can't 'cope'. But coping doesn't just mean pulling yourself together and carrying on as if everything's OK.
Sometimes coping means expressing how you are feeling and asking for help and support.
The fact that you were able to post here, I think, means that you are beginning to cope.
Although the support here is invaluable, I can't agree enough with what others have said. You should contact your GP and the Samaritans for help.
Thinking of you.
Sue xx
At some time or other everybody, but everybody, feels that they can't 'cope'. But coping doesn't just mean pulling yourself together and carrying on as if everything's OK.
Sometimes coping means expressing how you are feeling and asking for help and support.
The fact that you were able to post here, I think, means that you are beginning to cope.
Although the support here is invaluable, I can't agree enough with what others have said. You should contact your GP and the Samaritans for help.
Thinking of you.
Sue xx
went to the dotors this morning it was a waste of time she just told me i had to pull myself together.....she even said we all have to die sometime and my gran was old ....i had to ask if she would give me a sick note and she only gave me one for 2 weeks .....im not allowed to sign on for 6 to 8 weeks as they postponed my interview with my adviser as when i rang up to make my appointment i burst into tears and they said i sounded a bit low and they didnt think i was fit to start looking for work...so i dont know what im going to do for money once the sick note runs out ......she even asked if that was the only reason i went ...... when she gave me the sick note she said its been 5 weeks now another 2 weeks sould be enough..........i went there to ask for help and didnt get any .... she started asking who was sorting out my grans affairs and if she had any money and who arranged the funeral and did it go well and then she said shed had letters about my gran going into the home and that my gran had dementai and couldnt do anything for herself which wasnt true...she could still feed herself and walk around if she couldnt do anything for herself she wouldnt of had all the falls she did as she wouldnt of been able to get out of the chair to fall in the 1st place ......i went there to ask for help and didnt get any its the story of my life really
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If you can, try to find another doctor and ask about bereavement counselling.
Cruse might be another source of help. (It's not just for widows now.)
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/
Lila
Cruse might be another source of help. (It's not just for widows now.)
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/
Lila
Hi anne-marie
How awful for you, exactly what you didn't need to happen. When the 2 weeks is up go back and say it wasn't long enough, in fact go back sooner. May be there is another Dr at the surgery who you could see who might be more understanding. May be grief counselling would help you I think Cruse are the people to contact. I know it's hard to have to do that for yourself. You need someone to look after you and do it for you but if you can work up the energy I'm sure they would help. You will find someone to help you, you just have to keep on trying, Easy for me to say! Sending you a hug and a parcel of energy to keep on coping.
Look after yourself.
Cathyx
How awful for you, exactly what you didn't need to happen. When the 2 weeks is up go back and say it wasn't long enough, in fact go back sooner. May be there is another Dr at the surgery who you could see who might be more understanding. May be grief counselling would help you I think Cruse are the people to contact. I know it's hard to have to do that for yourself. You need someone to look after you and do it for you but if you can work up the energy I'm sure they would help. You will find someone to help you, you just have to keep on trying, Easy for me to say! Sending you a hug and a parcel of energy to keep on coping.
Look after yourself.
Cathyx
Hello Anne-Marie,
Just read through your posts, and you have my thoughts and hugs in bucket loads.
I agree that you should go to see another GP, there is nothing worse than someone telling you you should be ok in such-and-such a time. Who put a time limit on grief? It sounds to me like you need an anti-depressant, which can be very helpful at times when you're as low as you can get. I've recently had my dose of tablets, which I've taken for six years since my dad died, quadrupled as I was still a quivering wreck when I was referred to a mental health nurse locally. I won't be on the huge dose forever, just enough time to get me out of the trough I was in (without realising it), then I can look to Cruise for grief counselling.
There are many groups available for you to find someone who can help you. What you're feeling is perfectly natural, and you will feel better in time. But no one can tell you when that will be, unfortunately, it takes as long as it takes.
Please go back to your GP, and see if you can find someone who's a bit more compassionate than the one you've seen.
Gill
XX
Just read through your posts, and you have my thoughts and hugs in bucket loads.
I agree that you should go to see another GP, there is nothing worse than someone telling you you should be ok in such-and-such a time. Who put a time limit on grief? It sounds to me like you need an anti-depressant, which can be very helpful at times when you're as low as you can get. I've recently had my dose of tablets, which I've taken for six years since my dad died, quadrupled as I was still a quivering wreck when I was referred to a mental health nurse locally. I won't be on the huge dose forever, just enough time to get me out of the trough I was in (without realising it), then I can look to Cruise for grief counselling.
There are many groups available for you to find someone who can help you. What you're feeling is perfectly natural, and you will feel better in time. But no one can tell you when that will be, unfortunately, it takes as long as it takes.
Please go back to your GP, and see if you can find someone who's a bit more compassionate than the one you've seen.
Gill
XX
there is another dr at the practice but its her husband the only thing i can do is try and find a new surgery altogether....i wouldnt mind but i m never one to go to the drs without good reason she would of only had to look at my medical records to see that.....i dont think she even listened to me ....on the sick note she just put reaction to grief or something like that......she aked how i wasnt coping and when i said i wasnt eating or sleeping she said she wouldnt give me anything to help me sleep as she dosent just give sleeping pills out she told me to go to the chemist and buy something from there
my life has been like living a knightmare the last 8 months ......my gran was fine untill she had a stroke at the end of last july .....she was in hospital for 2 1/2 months at one point she was given just 3 weeks to live but she fought back ....the hospital wanted me to put her in a home then as they said she needed 24 hour care but i refused it took me a while to get it thro to the discharge team at the hospital that my gran would be coming home and not going into a care home ....when she came out of hospital they told me that she was doubly incontinant and that she would drink enough to keep her hydrated and she would need a pureed diet .....when she came home she stared to ask to use the toilet would drink at least 6 cups of fluid a day and after a couple of months started to eat proper meals......she even started to get up and sit on the edge of the bed by her self and she started to walk by herself she wasnt mobile untill a couple of weeks before she came out of hospital .......she had cognitive difficulties and would make up stories ...while my gran was in hospital my old dog had a stroke and had to be put to sleep id had her 17 years .....then my grans sister and nieces started to visit they never spoke to me and my dad when they visited just always critasized i shouldnt be doing this i should be doing that why hadnt i got this when was i going to get that...then they started talking about taking my gran out for the day but instead of making arrangments with me they made arrangments with my gran they just didnt understand that my gran wasnt capable of making her own desisions ..in there words she just an old lady thats losing her marbles......on the 14th december they took her out and she never came back while she was out she told her niece that we had taken all her money and spent it and we left her on her own ...so instead of ringing me to check they rang social services .....my gran was supposed to be home at 2.30 nobody rang me to let me know what had happened untill 6.30 that night then i wasnt allowed to know where abouts my gran was or see her for five days .....then when i went to see her shed already had a fall she had a massive black eye id only spoken to the social worker an hour before the visit and i asked if she was ok and she said yes she was fine.....i tried to get her home before xmas but the social worker said it was safer if she stayed in the home and after 3 weeks we would have a meeting to decide what to do then i get a letter to say that we had a new social worker from the community mental health team she had to stay in the home while things were sorted ...... she started to have fallls on a regular basis in one week she had 3 falls 2 resulted in a trip to casulty i wasnt informed about the fallls but her sister was......the social worker went to see her to ask her about coming home and she was adiment that she didnt want to be in the home and wanted to come home even the social worker was suprised with the way she was about coming home .....we had a meeting her on the wednesday and it was decided she would be coming home on the 18th feb on thursday i got a phone call from the sw to say hed been up to see my gran and she wasnt well in his words my gran was like a zombie you couldnt wake her up.....i rang the home to ask them how she was and was told that shed been really ill but she was a lot better now ...so i went to check for myself ..when i got to the home she was in the lounge in a chair
semi conscious she wouldnt open her eyes her sister was there when i saw my gran i said she need to go to hospital but her sister said just take her home and ring the dr so we managed to get her home and i rang an ambulance from here ....she hadnt eaten or drank anything for 3 days ...the hosptal asked if i was sure that it was a nursing home she was in and it was .....she was in such a bad state that they thought shed had another stroke she had a scan but the scan showed no new damage.....she was in hospital for 4 days and she died 2 days after my 39th birthday.....sorry for rambling on
semi conscious she wouldnt open her eyes her sister was there when i saw my gran i said she need to go to hospital but her sister said just take her home and ring the dr so we managed to get her home and i rang an ambulance from here ....she hadnt eaten or drank anything for 3 days ...the hosptal asked if i was sure that it was a nursing home she was in and it was .....she was in such a bad state that they thought shed had another stroke she had a scan but the scan showed no new damage.....she was in hospital for 4 days and she died 2 days after my 39th birthday.....sorry for rambling on
Dear Ann- Marie - checked in hoping to find a more positive outcome for you ….
100% have to agree with Lila’s observation …… I’m afraid your GP seems rather blinkered on the ‘presenting problem’ …. (i.e the recent loss of your gran) …. and it sounds like you have had an awful lot to try to cope with, with little or no support in the past …..
Certainly one thing I have learnt myself this last twelve months or so is that the losses I am suffering now (thru mum’s dementia) are reinforcing previous losses in my life - some have and some clearly haven’t been ‘resolved’ ….
Like Sue said, it takes a lot of guts to ask for help - and well done you for seeking it - so it’s even more unfair when nothing seems to be offered. Ann-Marie, other than letting you know I - as no doubt many others - are thinking of you and hoping you find some breakthrough for the help you need and deserve - I can only reiterate all the advice already given here - if you can just find the strength to keep ‘banging on doors’ - picking up the phone to any of the organisations already mentioned I am sure you will find some practical help and advice as well as all the virtual support and wishes you have here ….
This ‘signing on’ and ‘advisor? Is that some Benefits agency? Sorry if I’m on totally the wrong track here - but they seem to have been far more understanding and sympathetic to you than your GP! Could you even start by going back to them and asking their advice? I know once upon a time (and I presume it still happens now) there were ‘adjudicators’ in the benefits system who gave (in theory) an objective medical view ….. usually ‘investigating’ long term sickness claims and challenging people’s ability to return to work (as well as their GP‘s judgement) - but it should work both ways and be there too for people like yourself who disagree with their GP’s judgement?????
Also, Carer’s groups? I know in my area they exist to support people who have dedicated themselves to caring to ‘rehabilitate’ themselves back to … or forwards to ……
Sorry, don’t know if any of that helps …..
Thinking of you, Love, Karen, x
100% have to agree with Lila’s observation …… I’m afraid your GP seems rather blinkered on the ‘presenting problem’ …. (i.e the recent loss of your gran) …. and it sounds like you have had an awful lot to try to cope with, with little or no support in the past …..
Certainly one thing I have learnt myself this last twelve months or so is that the losses I am suffering now (thru mum’s dementia) are reinforcing previous losses in my life - some have and some clearly haven’t been ‘resolved’ ….
Like Sue said, it takes a lot of guts to ask for help - and well done you for seeking it - so it’s even more unfair when nothing seems to be offered. Ann-Marie, other than letting you know I - as no doubt many others - are thinking of you and hoping you find some breakthrough for the help you need and deserve - I can only reiterate all the advice already given here - if you can just find the strength to keep ‘banging on doors’ - picking up the phone to any of the organisations already mentioned I am sure you will find some practical help and advice as well as all the virtual support and wishes you have here ….
This ‘signing on’ and ‘advisor? Is that some Benefits agency? Sorry if I’m on totally the wrong track here - but they seem to have been far more understanding and sympathetic to you than your GP! Could you even start by going back to them and asking their advice? I know once upon a time (and I presume it still happens now) there were ‘adjudicators’ in the benefits system who gave (in theory) an objective medical view ….. usually ‘investigating’ long term sickness claims and challenging people’s ability to return to work (as well as their GP‘s judgement) - but it should work both ways and be there too for people like yourself who disagree with their GP’s judgement?????
Also, Carer’s groups? I know in my area they exist to support people who have dedicated themselves to caring to ‘rehabilitate’ themselves back to … or forwards to ……
Sorry, don’t know if any of that helps …..
Thinking of you, Love, Karen, x
Ann-marie said:
Ann- Marie - by the time I had posted you had too ..... I just want to reinforce what a very positive, able and inspirational person you clearly are ...... please, congratulate yourself on all you HAVE coped with ...... now it's time to use that energy to look after yourself .......
Much love, Karen, x
hi
Ann-Marie.
I know how you are feeling...I just lost my dad to Picks Disease.
I, like you am in shock, in pieces. My dad was in a nursing home but came home every weekend. He used to have aggresive fits and eventually i learnt how to cope with them....I used to surround his bed with cushions.....so when he was throwing himself around he wouldn't hurt himself.
When he went back to his nursing home i didn't think they would know what to do when he had a fit...it worried me sick.
He did have a fit and the staff didn't find him until after he had fallen...he was taken to hospital with a broken shoulder....he was despearetely ill and died to pneumonia 3 weeks ago.
I thought he would come home..thought he would recover.
Now i feel if he had stayed at home he would still be here...like you i thought he would just be here ...forever...
So now....we have to cope.....I am a similar age to you....i am a loner....cant really confide in anyone.
People on this site are lovley......listen to them.
I have anti depressants but i have been taking them for 3 years now.
You need to sort out your sick note....be firm.....
Take St.Johns Wort...herbal anti depressant.....it may help you sleep a bit too.
Gran would want you to use your strength and that's what we have to do....my dad wanted me to be strong.
love and hugs
Sarah-Ane
Ann-Marie.
I know how you are feeling...I just lost my dad to Picks Disease.
I, like you am in shock, in pieces. My dad was in a nursing home but came home every weekend. He used to have aggresive fits and eventually i learnt how to cope with them....I used to surround his bed with cushions.....so when he was throwing himself around he wouldn't hurt himself.
When he went back to his nursing home i didn't think they would know what to do when he had a fit...it worried me sick.
He did have a fit and the staff didn't find him until after he had fallen...he was taken to hospital with a broken shoulder....he was despearetely ill and died to pneumonia 3 weeks ago.
I thought he would come home..thought he would recover.
Now i feel if he had stayed at home he would still be here...like you i thought he would just be here ...forever...
So now....we have to cope.....I am a similar age to you....i am a loner....cant really confide in anyone.
People on this site are lovley......listen to them.
I have anti depressants but i have been taking them for 3 years now.
You need to sort out your sick note....be firm.....
Take St.Johns Wort...herbal anti depressant.....it may help you sleep a bit too.
Gran would want you to use your strength and that's what we have to do....my dad wanted me to be strong.
love and hugs
Sarah-Ane
Anne-Marie. Please contact your local Alz. Society (I am not a member) but I am sure that they can send someone to talk to you and advise who to see. Even put someone in touch. I have always found them understanding and helpful.
Your dad does not seem to be understanding at the moment, perhaps he feels a bit guilty himself, and cannot express it. Could you ask him for some old photos to look at and if you have some, start to put together an album or a small collection of your favourites and make a memory album for yourself. I am sure your nan would be pleased and proud that you have so much love for her.
Do not blame yourself for what you think is your nans un-timely death. Get your head together first then look at the situation as it was, when you can be more objective about your thoughts.
Doctors are sometimes put on "a pedestal" and they do not always deserve to be there. I had to almost thump the table and say I have not been here for 3 years I am here because we need help.
good luck
cris
Your dad does not seem to be understanding at the moment, perhaps he feels a bit guilty himself, and cannot express it. Could you ask him for some old photos to look at and if you have some, start to put together an album or a small collection of your favourites and make a memory album for yourself. I am sure your nan would be pleased and proud that you have so much love for her.
Do not blame yourself for what you think is your nans un-timely death. Get your head together first then look at the situation as it was, when you can be more objective about your thoughts.
Doctors are sometimes put on "a pedestal" and they do not always deserve to be there. I had to almost thump the table and say I have not been here for 3 years I am here because we need help.
good luck
cris
