I can't cope anymore and don't know what to do next?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Puss in Boots, Aug 7, 2015.

  1. Puss in Boots

    Puss in Boots Registered User

    Mar 15, 2012
    3
    I have been caring for my husband for the last 8 years and I cannot cope any longer. I have been suppressing things for a while but am at the end of my tether And I don't know where to turn.

    I have tried a weeks respite with a live in carer and it didn't go well. I am now faced with three days with no one to help me and I just don't think I can manage. My husband is unable to sit still for a moment and is constantly agitated. He barely recognised me and he needs near constant reassurance and it is driving me potty. I live in the north west of England and don't know where to turn to get emergency help if only for an hour or two. Any recommendations or helplines to call greatly appreciated. I feel desperate and I just wish I could come up for air.
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,906
    Female
    Dundee
    #2 Izzy, Aug 7, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2015
    Good evening and welcome to TP.

    I am so sorry to read about your situation.

    The Alzheimer Society has a Helpline and I think it would be a good idea for you to phone this in the morning. This is the link

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200365

    You might also consider phoning the Samaratins. They have an emotional listening service. They are open 24/7 and it might be good for you to have a chat with someone there tonight -

    http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
     
  3. jasmineflower

    jasmineflower Registered User

    Aug 27, 2012
    335
    Hi
    Sorry you are at the end of your tether. You should be able to find an emergency Social Services number in your local phone book. Call them and tell them you are suffering carer breakdown and need help now. You may have to cry, shout, scream and wail to get them to take you seriously.

    Be prepared to lay it on thick. I hope you get some help very soon xx
     
  4. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,525
    North East England
    I too am so sorry to hear about the despair you are feeling, Puss in Boots. As well as Izzy's advice, I can add that I think that your local social services will have an emergency adult services telephone number that you could ring if you require help immediately.

    Have a look in the phone book under Social Services, or online on your local authority website, and see if there is anything like that for your own area. It may be called something else where you live (although I'm assuming the UK?)

    Or it may be that just ringing Social Services might direct you somewhere, or a recorded message might give you an alternative number to call.

    I hope you get the support you need and deserve xx
     
  5. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,675
    North West
    #5 stanleypj, Aug 7, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2015
    Another great resource is the Admiral Nurse Service. There are not nearly enough of them though there are some in the north-west of England. There's a helpline though:

    http://www.dementiauk.org/information-support/admiral-nursing-direct/

    You have certainly come to the right place for support but if he needs 24-hour reassurance, no one person can provide that, however loving and devoted they may be.
     
  6. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,906
    Female
    Dundee
    #6 Izzy, Aug 7, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2015
    The helpline is brilliant, even if there are none in your area. You can also email them.
     
  7. Spiro

    Spiro Registered User

    Mar 11, 2012
    522
    I second that.
     
  8. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,525
    North East England
    Puss in Boots, I see from your profile that you have visited the forum again since your first post, but have not posted again.

    I hope you are okay and that you have either managed to get some help, or at least that things seem a little better for you today.

    With love and best wishes x
     
  9. skaface

    skaface Registered User

    Jul 18, 2011
    107
    Ramsgate
    Puss In Boots, I have recently had to increase the help my mother gets after a fall in June (she slipped off her couch where she was sleeping and decided she was more comfortable on the floor), the police had to break in, they called the paramedics and the paramedics involved the local Intermediate Care Team (actually all sorts of people are involved now).

    The ICT nurses told me that locally (East Kent) there are limited number of GP beds in the local hospital where dementia patients can go for anything up to (if I remember correctly) two weeks to give the carer some respite while they decide their next steps. Could there be something like that local to you?

    I hope you are OK, I think we've all been at the end of our tethers! My mum's favourite is "where's my handbag?". I took her in a taxi to the memory clinic at the hospital last Wednesday - it's a five minute journey and in that five minutes she asked me five times where her handbag was. It was on the back seat, with me. At least these days she doesn't do her old trick of waiting until we are on the point of leaving the house before announcing that she wants to change her entire outfit.
     
  10. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    11,282
    Female
    near Folkestone
    You can call the crisis team at weekends, it's part of SS and they come out to assist you . Sorry you are having such difficult times . Hugs xxxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  11. Puss in Boots

    Puss in Boots Registered User

    Mar 15, 2012
    3
    I can't cope anymore and don't know what to do next

    Thank you for all the support I have had on TP
    I have contacted the Admiral Nurse helpline who have been very supportive
    Also I have another carer for a second weeks respite and this has not gone well either
    I am beginning to lose faith in the care system as my husband has deteriorated under her care he has become very challenging and very difficult
    I am seriously considering long term care ina care home but this will be a very difficult decision to make
    Has anyone any experience of a good care agency

    Puss in Boots
    Puss in Boots;1147695]I have been caring for my husband for the last 8 years and I cannot cope any longer. I have been suppressing things for a while but am at the end of my tether And I don't know where to turn.

    I have tried a weeks respite with a live in carer and it didn't go well. I am now faced with three days with no one to help me and I just don't think I can manage. My husband is unable to sit still for a moment and is constantly agitated. He barely recognised me and he needs near constant reassurance and it is driving me potty. I live in the north west of England and don't know where to turn to get emergency help if only for an hour or two. Any recommendations or helplines to call greatly appreciated. I feel desperate and I just wish I could come up for air.[/QUOTE]
     
  12. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,675
    North West
    #12 stanleypj, Aug 22, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2015
    You definitely need professional help with the care. It's difficult to recommend agencies because some of the best may be quite local.

    We got help from the District Nurse who put us in touch with an agency. Your GP can refer you to the DN. You really do need to 'come clean' with the GP and sate quite categorically that you are at the end of your tether - and why.

    Just seen that you live in the North West, as I do. I'll send you a PM (Private Message). Click Notifications (top of page) to read it and reply then I may be able to suggest some ideas re agencies.
     
  13. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    801
    North East
    Hope you are feeling a bit better puss in boots?
    Have you thought about looking at a care home for a weeks respite instead of a live in carer? This was you can get to know more about what things YOU would look for in a home. Maybe worth a try x wishing you all the very best xxx
     
  14. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    332
    rct
    [/QUOTE]

    Hello

    I ve read the posts and even though I'm not a carer to a partner. .I'm my mum and dads carer..you can see that you've hit that brick wall. It's too wide to go round and your struggling to get over it. (I'm describing the situation no any person).

    My folks won't accept help from anyone else and I got to the point where I was concerned I was running towards that wall. You wouldn't expect me to say I had a sister and a close family would you?

    It's hard when you're tired and even though suggestions are being made its difficult to make sense of them all.
    And they clearly cant feel the urgency that you're feeling.
    The old saying about clearing the air..rings true. Things only change at crisis point . My theory is if I'm honest about my own crisis point where I say to those that can help me, what I need to look after my wellbeing and insist it's crisis point then hopefully someone will listen.

    Services have an obligation to respond...We are all quick to criticise services..including me..but if they don't know what's happening how can they help?..I'd contact the duty team.

    You've done an amazing job over the years I'm sure. You are only human and have been managing with a disease that keeps the most brilliant of clinicians on their toes.

    Firstly give yourself the praise you deserve..then it's about accepting that no matter what action you take it always has your husbands needs at the heart of it.

    Feels like the opposite ?
    Emotionally even if he can't communicate his concern for you he's probably displaying it in other ways. There are symptoms of the disease that might happen or present themselves whether your husband is in respite or being cared by some one else while you have a break. You would still worry and be concerned bit no aware of the benefits to you at that time.

    I sincerely hope that you get the support you deserve.
    I send you best wishes and hope there's someone who could give you a cwtch. (A traditional warm Welsh hug)
     
  15. Puss in Boots

    Puss in Boots Registered User

    Mar 15, 2012
    3
    Puss in Boots

    Thank you so much for your support

    Today started out Weil
    but this afternoon but this afternoon the car was in for MOT so I took my old car shopping
    My OH wouldn't get in the car He thought I was someone else taking him somewhere he didn't want to go
    Eventually I persuaded him and we headed off to the garage to check the tyres
    When we got too the garage he got quite paranoid and kept asking me if I had a driving licence
    i managed to get him back in the car and headed for homehalf a mile away
    He tried to gat out of the car banging and thumping the dashboard calling for the police
    I managed to get home and phoned my friend who pretended to be a policewoman
    Also got appointment for GP
    He eventually calmed down but kept on about this woman who tried to take him in her car
    Tonight I feel shattered and he would be better looked after in a care home
    Any one had a similar problem
    Thanks Puss in Boots

    Hellos

    I ve read the posts and even though I'm not a carer to a partner. .I'm my mum and dads carer..you can see that you've hit that brick wall. It's too wide to go round and your struggling to get over it. (I'm describing the situation no any person).

    My folks won't accept help from anyone else and I got to the point where I was concerned I was running towards that wall. You wouldn't expect me to say I had a sister and a close family would you?

    It's hard when you're tired and even though suggestions are being made its difficult to make sense of them all.
    And they clearly cant feel the urgency that you're feeling.
    The old saying about clearing the air..rings true. Things only change at crisis point . My theory is if I'm honest about my own crisis point where I say to those that can help me, what I need to look after my wellbeing and insist it's crisis point then hopefully someone will listen.

    Services have an obligation to respond...We are all quick to criticise services..including me..but if they don't know what's happening how can they help?..I'd contact the duty team.

    You've done an amazing job over the years I'm sure. You are only human and have been managing with a disease that keeps the most brilliant of clinicians on their toes.

    Firstly give yourself the praise you deserve..then it's about accepting that no matter what action you take it always has your husbands needs at the heart of it.

    Feels like the opposite ?
    Emotionally even if he can't communicate his concern for you he's probably displaying it in other ways. There are symptoms of the disease that might happen or present themselves whether your husband is in respite or being cared by some one else while you have a break. You would still worry and be concerned bit no aware of the benefits to you at that time.

    I sincerely hope that you get the support you deserve.
    I send you best wishes and hope there's someone who could give you a cwtch. (A traditional warm Welsh hug)[/QUOTE]
     

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