I can't cope anymore - an update


Registered User
Oct 13, 2007
Its been a little while since I’ve been on here and I thought I would post an update on my situation for those who responded to my earlier request for help (for which many thanks). My mum was in respite (early May) and I felt I couldn’t cope with her coming home, I put the wheels in motion for her to be placed into permanent care but after seeing how badly she was coping with being in the home I relented and brought her home early. Almost immediately I realised I had made a huge mistake. However, I carried on. My mum was admitted to hospital with a health-related problem a few days ago and the doctors have decided that she will be better off placed in a care home. The decision is based on her health needs as well as the dementia. It has also removed a lot of guilt that I was feeling about making the decision regards a care home and is a huge relief all round.


Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
It always helps when you hear this decision from Consultant's, doctors etc,. It relieves the burden of guilt to have someone else say that a Residential type Home is needed.

I'm sure that with help from the hospital, and the knowedge that although you tried to care for her yourself, it was impossible, this time your mind will be much more at rest that this is the right decision for her.

I know that the regular daily living routine which the CH has gives Ken the stability which I couldn't do at home. I feel that the rhythm of the day, which never changes, helps his confusion. He can grasp what might be the time of day by relating this to mealtimes.

I do hope that you are more successful in getting mum settled. By settled I don't suppose for a minute that she will stop asking to come home.

Ken asks me every day. I tell him he is there to convalesce and let his mind get better. That the doctor will decide when he can come home and that I can already see he is getting better day by day. This explanation does help to settle him, at least temporarily.

Debby Short

Registered User
May 29, 2008
Near Heathrow Airport
My Dad has just gone through a very similar situation, Mum was in hospital and they recommended a NH, but Dad wasn't ready for that, so he took her home. Exactly 1 week later she was back in Hospital.

The decision was taken out of his hands as the hospital said they would not allow her to go home again. Dad has now found a NH for her and once her medication is stable, she will have an assesment.

Dad still feels bad, but we all encourage him and tell him it will be better quality of live for both of them, he will not have to deal with all the aggression anymore.

At the moment mum is happy, and doesn't ask to come home, in fact yesterday she told her visitor how much she loved being in hospital.

wishing you all the very best, and please don't feel guilty about what is happening.
Debby Short xxx

fearful fiona

Registered User
Apr 19, 2007
Dear Sherbet

It is such a relief when the "professionals" recommend residential care. My brother and I took the decision ourselves to place our parents in a care home last year, and I suffered guilt for a long time. Things have moved on since then and my Mum is now transferring to another care home from hospital (the previous home couldn't cope with her) so apart from looking at the home and liking it, I have had no part in the decision-making process.

Interestingly when I saw my Mum yesterday in the psychiatric unit for the last time (I hope), a lady had just been admitted with terrible burns, and I thought "that could have been my Mum if we had left her in her own home any longer". She was becoming a danger to herself and my father.

Good luck to you.


Registered User
Oct 13, 2007
thank you

Hi TinaT, Debby and Fiona. Thank you so very much for your kind and encouraging words. It is so nice to know you have all been through similar situations yourselves and that there is some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. Although we can never fully stop worrying as carers can we.

Mum is doing well in the hospital but asks to go home daily. As I’ve been allowed to take a step back from the physical caring side of things I can now spend “quality time” with her. I feel like I have my mother-daughter relationship back and for that I’m grateful.

I wish you all well with your loved ones and hope they settle well xx

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