I can't believe it but my mum has gone

[missmouse]

My mother died today she was 88 and suffered from Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia. Her death was strange. She was admitted to hospital with a suspected infection on Tuesday morning. Chest x ray fine so they assumed water infection - she was on a drip etc as he was dehydrated. She was not very responsive and was zonked out but she was often like that - the week before she had come off a butrans patch which didn't agree with her. Wednesday morning she ate a bowl of porridge. But would not eat anything for lunch or tea When I arrived at the hospital just after tea time, I fed her with her sandwiches. After she had finished eating her head slumped a bit more on her chest and then suddenly, her eyes which had been closed, sprung open wide and staring just like a dead person. I assumed she was dead but she still had a pulse. I went to get the nurse and I was amazed to find when I got back that her eyes were closed and she was chanting something I couldn't understand.

The nurse tried her on three different blood pressure machines and the end result was a reading of 55/45. (By the way when I arrived to visit, she was freezing cold and all the windows were open and she only had a sheet on her she said she was cold so I went and got three blankets). She was still freezing cold so I mentioned the open windows and the sheets but was ignored.

A doctor was called and said she was fine, pupils okay, heart and lung and oxygen levels all good. Blood pressure had come up to 92 which the doctor said might be because we were moving her so she would stethoscope on her chest. I asked if she had suffered a stroke but doctor said, highly unlikely.

This morning at about 8.15 the hospital phoned me to tell me she was dead. I asked the nurse what she had died of and was told she didn't know I would have to check on the death certificate. They had checked her earlier and she was fine - asleep and when they came back later to check her she was dead.

I am going to collect the certificate tomorrow and apparently they said that the doctor would be present so I could ask questions The nurse mentioned something about resuscitation - but I couldn't hear properly what she said but my mum did not have a DNR order. When I saw her lying on the bed she looked so beautiful, her skin was perfect she had no lines and she was so pretty but there was a big nasty bruise down the side of the neck - I want to know what that was.

Anyhow to end this, my heart is broken, I have looked after and fought on her behalf now for nearly seven years. I don't know how I can carry on now - I have friends but no family now and I am in my 60s. I know life does get better and I have to get the funeral out of the way but in the meantime.....how an I live? I have read some of the other posts which have made me cry as well.

 

[Izzy]

I'm so sorry for your loss missmouse. Sending my condolences.

 

[lemonjuice]

Oh missmouse, you must feel this is so sudden and are probably still in shock.

Don't worry about how you will carry on afterwards. Take it one step at a time.

 

[Louby65]

My mother died today she was 88 and suffered from Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia. Her death was strange. She was admitted to hospital with a suspected infection on Tuesday morning. Chest x ray fine so they assumed water infection - she was on a drip etc as he was dehydrated. She was not very responsive and was zonked out but she was often like that - the week before she had come off a butrans patch which didn't agree with her. Wednesday morning she ate a bowl of porridge. But would not eat anything for lunch or tea When I arrived at the hospital just after tea time, I fed her with her sandwiches. After she had finished eating her head slumped a bit more on her chest and then suddenly, her eyes which had been closed, sprung open wide and staring just like a dead person. I assumed she was dead but she still had a pulse. I went to get the nurse and I was amazed to find when I got back that her eyes were closed and she was chanting something I couldn't understand.

The nurse tried her on three different blood pressure machines and the end result was a reading of 55/45. (By the way when I arrived to visit, she was freezing cold and all the windows were open and she only had a sheet on her she said she was cold so I went and got three blankets). She was still freezing cold so I mentioned the open windows and the sheets but was ignored.

A doctor was called and said she was fine, pupils okay, heart and lung and oxygen levels all good. Blood pressure had come up to 92 which the doctor said might be because we were moving her so she would stethoscope on her chest. I asked if she had suffered a stroke but doctor said, highly unlikely.

This morning at about 8.15 the hospital phoned me to tell me she was dead. I asked the nurse what she had died of and was told she didn't know I would have to check on the death certificate. They had checked her earlier and she was fine - asleep and when they came back later to check her she was dead.

I am going to collect the certificate tomorrow and apparently they said that the doctor would be present so I could ask questions The nurse mentioned something about resuscitation - but I couldn't hear properly what she said but my mum did not have a DNR order. When I saw her lying on the bed she looked so beautiful, her skin was perfect she had no lines and she was so pretty but there was a big nasty bruise down the side of the neck - I want to know what that was.

Anyhow to end this, my heart is broken, I have looked after and fought on her behalf now for nearly seven years. I don't know how I can carry on now - I have friends but no family now and I am in my 60s. I know life does get better and I have to get the funeral out of the way but in the meantime.....how an I live? I have read some of the other posts which have made me cry as well.

Dear missmouse, firstly may I say how very sorry I am to hear about your precious mum. As you say you have concerns about events surrounding her passing and I hope tomorrow you get answers that may console you . I don't know the events but I do work in a hospital and as you mentioned resuscitation but not sure of context as she did not have a DNACPR order on her , it is likely they did attempt resuscitation and the bruise on the side of her neck may have been insertion of a cannula to give fluid and drugs . I'm not sure but I do hope they explain what happened . As for how you go on , I have no answers apart from being kind to yourself and take time to come to terms with things . This forum will give you plenty of support to help with your grief , so keep posting . My very best wishes to you . Lou x

 

[Shedrech]

sad news missmouse
I'm glad your mum looked beautiful when you saw her; she's now at peace

I hope you get the answers you need tomorrow

go gently and give yourself time to breath - one foot in front of the other is the only way to carry on, I found - I put a photo of my mum smiling where I saw it easily, even full of grief and numb, I had to smile back at her - and I kept a cardigan of hers to give me a hug

I hope you find some peace for yourself

 

[HillyBilly]

When I saw her lying on the bed she looked so beautiful, her skin was perfect she had no lines and she was so pretty

Oh Missmouse I am so so sorry to read of your Mum's sudden passing. It must be such a shock for you. I am glad though that you had some "meaningful" moments with her this last week.
Your broken heart is just that - broken and very fragile so don't even try to do anything more than "just be". TP is always here for you, whenever x

 

[Slugsta]

Missmouse, I am so sorry for the loss of your mum, especially as you were not expecting it (((hugs)))

You will wake each morning and carry on because you have to. Please be very gentle with yourself and give yourself the same loving care that you gave your mum.

 

[LadyA]

So sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. This is a time for going with the flow as much as you can, and being kind to yourself. Try and get plenty of rest. Shock and grief will take it out of you.

 

[Cat27]

I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

 

[cragmaid]

Dear MissMouse, your pain is real and huge, of course it is. You have just lost your Mum and it does not matter if you were expecting it, or what caused it..... it hurts.
The bruising on Mum's neck might just be from the blood settling after she passed away. Please take your time about making arrangements. Don't let yourself be rushed, you need time to take it all in.
With love and sympathy, Maureen.x.x.

 

[jorgieporgie]

Missmouse my thoughts are with you. I know how you are feeling as I lost My Mum a few Months back.
People on here were a life saver, so keep talking.
So sorry xx

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Missmouse, I am so very sorry. My mother died last August so I do understand the disbelief and grief.

 

[Selinacroft]

Thinking of you Missmouse and sending hugs.

 

[missmouse]

Thank you so much for all your support it is comforting to know that you are out there. It is day 2 of my life without my old mum and I am crying a lot. I managed to pull myself together and get to the hospital to pick up the paperwork for the death certificate which I will get tomorrow. My mum died of sepsis - probably because she had a water infection. I am now racked with guilt as if the water infection was treated earlier she might have survived (well that is what I think). I spoke to her consultant and she was very nice - apparently the infection became severe and her heart just stopped. I just wish I could rewind the clock.

Tomorrow it is the death certificate and the visit to the undertaker to arrange the funeral.

 

[Margaret59]

Hi Missmouse
I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. Please try not to blame yourself. I had the GP out to my Father three times in the fortnight prior to him passing away at the end of last year.He started with a chest infection which I was told was improving with the use of antibiotics. Two days prior to me having to phone an ambulance for him the GP once again said he was improving. On admittance to hospital and having had an x-ray I was told he had pneumonia. He then appeared to be picking up only for me to be told 5 days later that his blood was infected and he died of Sepsis.
Like you I blamed myself, could I have done more, done something differently or what?? Unfortunately not. My mother also died 3 years ago with Sepsis.

It was a complete shock to me too when my dad passed away. I had never envisaged life without him. Take things slowly, a day at a time and keep talking about how you feel.

I have had to bottle an awful lot of my feelings up as two months after my dad passed away my OH was admitted to hospital. We are now awaiting a diagnosis but by what has already been discussed it looks like dementia.

However, I do find that talking about my dad (when I can ) and about my OH and his illness really does help. Also I have had masses of support and advice from people at TP which has been a great help.
Love and hugs, Margaret x

 

[Canadian Joanne]

My mother had coasted along for years. I truly believed she had a couple more years in her. She also developed an infection, with a fever they simply couldn't break. She was on antibiotics and fever relief but to no avail. We could have had her treated very aggressively by going to hospital but my sister and I did not want to subject her to any of that trauma. I think it was just time for her, if not for me.

Please try not to feel guilty. Quite possibly, earlier treatment may not have been effective. They picked up Mum's fever quite quickly but nothing worked.

 

[Rosnpton]

Sorry to read of your loss
Hoping the necessary arrangements and paperwork run smoothly for you
Sending best wishes
Ros

 

[sunray]

Sorry missmouse for the pain you are feeling since your Mum died. I know it took me a long time to get over my Mum's death so be gentle with yourself and just take one day at a time. I know to begin with it is the only way to go forward, just doing what you have to do until you have the energy to do more.

 

[missmouse]

Thank you all so much for your meaningful comments. It is day 5 now and nothing is getting any better. I feel awful thinking of all the times I had moaned about my life, working full time and caring for her. I just wish I had spent more time with her - she lived with me. I used to cry sometimes because I felt she was taking my whole life but I never wanted her in a care home.

Someone who used to stay with her while I was on holiday told me how she used to miss me so much each day while I was away and longed to have me home again. If I had known that I never would have gone. I am going on holiday in September and it feels awful I am now in my sixties and an adult orphan. I have to get my next of kin changed in my passport. I am an only child and have no one now, my father died 7 years ago.

I have arranged the funeral which is the end of June. I have been looking at photos of my mum an can't believe that the vivacious lovely woman in the photos became my needy old mum. Why is life like it is?

I do believe that time is a great heeler, because I have experienced it - but it is just waiting for time to heal me

 

[Grannie G]

Hello missmouse

It sounds as if you gave your mum the best care in the world so please get rid of the guilt and wishing you had done things differently.

It`s so easy, when the responsibility has gone, to wish you hadn`t done one thing or another. It`s entirely different when you are worn out and stressed out, trying to give the best care, run a home and go to work .

You have spent a long time caring and now it is your turn to look after yourself and live a little. Not yet I know, but in time, I hope.