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I can't believe I'm posting here

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
129
@CWR dad's oncologist said the same, she said he had only done so well because of the excellent support that he had at home. Whether it was true or not will never be known.

We have now reached the same place as where @myss dad was and I don't think that however wonderful the support that dad gets, it will not be enough to keep him going. There is a time that comes when it is inevitable as the body can not keep going and we all need to accept that however hard and it is hard however old and ill they are.

We just want to make things better for them but sometimes the alternative is better. So very very hard.
You have my sympathy. It's a weird time, a feeling of being in limbo, waiting for the end, dreading it at the same time. When mum was in the hospital, I dreaded seeing her so frail, but, ironically, when I was home, I was thinking: At least she is still alive. Your feelings will be all over the place. We have been there, all of us on here, and we understand.
 

myss

Registered User
Jan 14, 2018
435
So now there's going to be an inquest in my dad's passing. This had initially caused a delay in making the arrangements for his funeral but we've now met with funeral directors and agreed a date for the funeral - the realisation of it is sinking in with me. It's not that I'm not accepting that he's gone, I get all that, I think it's the making of the arrangements that makes it all official and real as this whole 'death process' still feels all weird

I'm sure why I'm writing this here, but had been thinking about it for the past few hours and putting in writing and being able to come back to read it may just be helpful to me (and anyone else).
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
129
So now there's going to be an inquest in my dad's passing. This had initially caused a delay in making the arrangements for his funeral but we've now met with funeral directors and agreed a date for the funeral - the realisation of it is sinking in with me. It's not that I'm not accepting that he's gone, I get all that, I think it's the making of the arrangements that makes it all official and real as this whole 'death process' still feels all weird

I'm sure why I'm writing this here, but had been thinking about it for the past few hours and putting in writing and being able to come back to read it may just be helpful to me (and anyone else).
I found that there were several stages of making it real. Firstly the registering the death, then arranging the funeral. I had opted for a ceremony free cremation with a memorial service in mum's church to follow. The service was difficult but it was beautifully done. The next stage was getting the ashes back. I still havent got round to deciding what to do with them, or even to look at the urn itself, let alone the ashes. I find the emptied house strange at times, not just empty but emptied of a presence that used to be here. It will seem unreal for a time yet if my experience is anything to go by. I still sometimes can't believe she is gone.
 

myss

Registered User
Jan 14, 2018
435
Finally had dad's funeral last Friday (6th March).

The day before we were able to bring him home, the place he's lived at many years, where his hands has repaired, replaced, or improved every part of it in someway over those years, where - even in his wandering days after being upset that dementia had made him go outside in the cold with no way of getting back in - he called it 'his Buckingham Palace' and where he should have spent his last days.
It was also good for us, his family, to view him before the funeral to get out some of that deep upset and realisation then and to be able to pay last respects to him in private. It was a good night of remembering his better days and ways, and bringing the family closer and stronger for the next day.

There was me thinking 'well I've shed a load of tears on the day before, for the funeral I'll be better controlling my emotions'..... For the whole morning I was fine then the sight of the hearse turning up to taking him on his final journey was an instant trigger. Not only for me either. The whole drive there was so surreal despite seeing my dad's coffin ahead of me.

All that said though, the service was enlightening in a way. I had told Dad that my siblings and I would send him on his way that he would be proud of and I so believe he would be. And the day itself was perfect. For those of you who live in London/SE England, you will know the weather on the Thursday was so so grey, miserable and cold and rained the whole day whereas the weather on Friday was the complete opposite and I could feel the warmness of the sun. We joked that dad was up there in them clouds ordering that they better make his day as nice as possible for us or else 😊😊 Thanks dad 🥰

The wake was a good recovery as well and in the sad event of dad's funeral came the positive experience leading some to re-think certain differences they had with other relatives who then came together in the end.

I'm flipping between feeling better now the funeral is over and then weeping at the loss and suspect this will go on for some time but at least I know that he has now been put to rest well since his passing and hopefully looking down at us also knowing that we inadvertently made that journey even easier with the care we provided to him beforehand.
 
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Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,812
@myss I am so glad you had good weather and it sounds like you made it a day that your dad would have been proud of. We are in the south east too and it looks like rain tomorrow for dad's funeral. I was hoping for a nice day and perhaps it will be with luck

I hope I can put on a brave face but I am sure that a couple of the songs that we chose are going to set me off. I went to a concert last week and a song set me off right out of the blue. I did not expect that to happen but it did. Luckily it was dark.

I don't think any off us realise how much this will affect us afterwards. I have wished many times recently that it would all just end but now it has I am more than a bit lost. It is right that it has ended because now dad is free and there is no more suffering but I miss him very much.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,636
East of England
@myss I am so glad you had good weather and it sounds like you made it a day that your dad would have been proud of. We are in the south east too and it looks like rain tomorrow for dad's funeral. I was hoping for a nice day and perhaps it will be with luck

I hope I can put on a brave face but I am sure that a couple of the songs that we chose are going to set me off. I went to a concert last week and a song set me off right out of the blue. I did not expect that to happen but it did. Luckily it was dark.

I don't think any off us realise how much this will affect us afterwards. I have wished many times recently that it would all just end but now it has I am more than a bit lost. It is right that it has ended because now dad is free and there is no more suffering but I miss him very much.
I have been thinking of you today and that the funeral was just what you wanted for your Dad. We are in a bad situation, missing our dear men but not wanting to prolong their suffering, and ours too. It’s just awful and I feel the same as you, I can’t believe he is no more
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
129
I'm glad you had a good day for the funeral, that can make a big difference.After mum's memorial service a few people told me that they thought it had been a lovely service. Since I had a cremationw ithout ceremony, and no coffin, I had a photo of mum on the communion table, looking at us all and smiling. People always talk about " closure" but that's a longterm thing. I still find myself getting teary at odd moments. Mum was a simple soul, and even in her last months she would sing Away in a manger. I was listening to a cd of carols and when I heard that, it set me off again. Well-meaning friends say that as time goes on it will get better, and feel less tearful, but I still feel abandoned at times.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,636
East of England
I'm glad you had a good day for the funeral, that can make a big difference.After mum's memorial service a few people told me that they thought it had been a lovely service. Since I had a cremationw ithout ceremony, and no coffin, I had a photo of mum on the communion table, looking at us all and smiling. People always talk about " closure" but that's a longterm thing. I still find myself getting teary at odd moments. Mum was a simple soul, and even in her last months she would sing Away in a manger. I was listening to a cd of carols and when I heard that, it set me off again. Well-meaning friends say that as time goes on it will get better, and feel less tearful, but I still feel abandoned at times.
I don’t think that ‘closure’ and ‘it will get better’ are true. We never really do either of those things, or I don’t think we do. And why should we, we keep those dear people in our hearts, and cry at the things that tug at us. After all the years I think it would be odd to do either of those. I miss him terribly even though the dementia was really upsetting me and I found it hard to observe him starving to death, it was awful that someone who was so ‘normal’ for most of his life could do such a thing. It still shocks me to the core. I rage against it and even when I think of him in his prime I feel even more upset and sad. Maybe the pain will dull but then I shall be as I am now, normal conversation, enjoy small pleasures but broken hearted that he is not there any more. We have been abandoned but we can learn to live alone again even while we hate it.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,812
Yes @Grahamstown dad's funeral was good, we tried not to make it too sad but the music got me in the end. Beyond the sea by Bobby Darin was perfect for sailor dad and very upbeat but it got to me. My son played a special medley for dad on his guitar which was lovely and my niece read a poem that was perfect. Then we went to a pub with my cousins who came from different parts of the country and dad paid for everything. Lots of photo's were shared and lots of reminiscing and dads childhood friend (almost 90) got very emotional when he left (another lovely man) and made me cry again,

What a lovely caring man dad was even with dementia
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
972
Glad the funeral went well @Duggies-girl , and that you had time to really celebrate your dad's life. He sounds such charming man, and the fact that he kept all his friends shows what a true friend he must have been to others.
 

myss

Registered User
Jan 14, 2018
435
Yes @Grahamstown My son played a special medley for dad on his guitar which was lovely and my niece read a poem that was perfect.
Oh @Duggies-girl That much have been so touching. Glad to hear that you seemed to have a lovely farewell for a top man.

I know exactly what you mean about hearing certain songs and setting you off. It's a bit weirder for me as I have a large A3 size picture of my dad that I see everyday now but hearing one of the songs that was played at his funeral on the radio last Friday just brought back the fact that he's gone. I know, it's gets easier with time.