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I can't believe I'm posting here

myss

Registered User
Jan 14, 2018
435
My dear Dad died Wednesday night. I think his battle with dementia was about 7-8 years.

I would have said he was at a stage 6 state with his illness last month but he took another fall on NYE's and suffered a fracture. At the local hospital, they had to call another hospital who had specialist in this field to make a decision as to whether to operate or not. We were still waiting on the other hospital to make up their damn minds and dad wasn't eating much due to sleeping so long.

I cannot fault the nurses there but can't help thinking if he had been home, we would have given him the amount of food and attention he required - as we have been doing for years - whereas the little they eventually got him to eat was just little as the nurses were probably too busy to be watching him all the time to see when he was awake and able.

I know he's died, I know he's no longer got that awful dementia's grip on him, but it just still doesn't feel real. I thought I was prepared for the end but none of us had expected it to come so soon and for it to happen outside his home. God, I love him so much. RiP Dad xx
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,783
Yorkshire
so sorry to read your news @myss
somehow it is a shock, even though we know where the road leads we can't believe we will get there

my sympathy and condolences
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
475
So sorry for your loss @myss. Your emotions & thoughts will see-saw with what ifs. Your dad, who sounds like a lovely man, was towards the end of his dementia road so even with your intervention with feeding it may not have made such a difference. That tiredness overtakes them & in my mums case she could only 'come to' for a matter of minutes then seconds then not at all. I think of it as a safety mechanism, the bodies way to reduce that persons suffering. Food & fluids wasn't wanted. I know you are hurting & it's natural to feel you could have made a difference but it would also have needed a massive effort on his part which he probably didn't have the strength for. Cherish the high points on the see-saw there will be more & more eventually. Best wishes x
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
3,851
south-east London
My sympathies @myss - losing those so close to us is a terrible wrench and we are never fully prepared, even when we know the time is approaching. Those end days can come so quickly that we barely have time to think.

You will be going through a roller-coaster of mixed emotions, it is only natural. Your Dad was clearly a wonderful and loving man and his absence will leave a deep void in the lives of those who loved him. It is natural to wonder how things might have been if things had been done differently.

Please don't fret that you could have made a difference to his eating and drinking had he remained at home. I was by my husband's side more or less day and night, even when he went into hospital, always ready to help and encourage him to eat and drink - but it made no difference in the end. The disease took its course despite all my efforts and he stopped eating and drinking.

Always remember that you made a big difference to your Dad in so many ways, just by being there for him, comforting him and sharing that special bond that only you two could have. Nothing can take that away from you.

I am thinking of you and wishing you strength as you battle through your loss.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,907
Merseyside
I’m so sorry @myss
As @LynneMcV says the disease will take its course regardless of what we do. I had my dad at home until the end but couldn’t get him to eat or drink as the end was close.
I wish you strength to deal with your grief.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,034
Scotland
I’m another one tortured by these thoughts even though I know the end was inevitable once it began. I fed John half teaspoons of food, I took up jars and tubes of baby fruits to the hospital, I gave him drinks and sips constantly but I had read about this decline so often on TP that I recognised it for what it was. Slim chap as he was he normally loved his food but when the end was nigh his body just didn’t want it any more.

So sad for you but try to keep your thoughts on what you loved about him and let the rest go.
 

Elle3

Registered User
Jun 30, 2016
642
My sympathies @myss it is a shock when it is so unexpected. My heart goes out to you as I know how you feel. x
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
Sending you love & (((((hugs))))))
Please be kind to yourself, our loved ones leave behind us on their next journey & the love we shared.
xx
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
So sorry for your loss. It is sometimes hard to recognise where a person with dementia is on their journey but quite often at the end, they won’t want to eat & tend to sleep more or indeed go into a coma like state. This is what happened with my mum. And however much you want them to eat & will them to eat, they can’t. Your dad is at eternal rest now & free of the grip of dementia. Hugs xx
 

Karen22

Registered User
Nov 3, 2012
88
I'm so sorry for your loss. The end is rarely as we expect or had hoped it might be (painless and peaceful). Take care of yourself now as your dad would want for you.
Karen
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
131
My dear Dad died Wednesday night. I think his battle with dementia was about 7-8 years.

I would have said he was at a stage 6 state with his illness last month but he took another fall on NYE's and suffered a fracture. At the local hospital, they had to call another hospital who had specialist in this field to make a decision as to whether to operate or not. We were still waiting on the other hospital to make up their damn minds and dad wasn't eating much due to sleeping so long.

I cannot fault the nurses there but can't help thinking if he had been home, we would have given him the amount of food and attention he required - as we have been doing for years - whereas the little they eventually got him to eat was just little as the nurses were probably too busy to be watching him all the time to see when he was awake and able.

I know he's died, I know he's no longer got that awful dementia's grip on him, but it just still doesn't feel real. I thought I was prepared for the end but none of us had expected it to come so soon and for it to happen outside his home. God, I love him so much. RiP Dad xx
I am really so sorry to hear that. It may not feel real for some time.My dear mother passed away at the end of November, and sometimes I can't believe it. You will go through a gamut of emotions, but, when you do, feel free to come on here.It has helped me when it gets to me.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,575
Yorkshire
So sorry, @myss - it all seems such a shock, even when you're expecting it, and for it to be 'out of your hands' like that. It will take a lot of adjusting to. Wishing your Dad eternal peace, and you and your family love and solace. xx
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,819
So sorry @myss Almost a year ago we thought that dad would die in hospital but we got him home and he gained weight mostly thanks to me but there comes a time when whatever you do you can't help them.

We are now at that stage, dad is still at home but I can get very little food down him. He doesn't want it so I make him something and if he has a sip of soup I think I have done well but no matter how hard I try or how much I care he will fade. It is inevitable with this disease and I will be glad to see my dad released from it when it happens.

Like you I will be heartbroken but your dad is now at peace and free from this terrible disease. Be kind to yourself, you did your best and you could do no more.

Sending you a huge hug.
 

myss

Registered User
Jan 14, 2018
435
You know, you all are stars. All your responses are appreciated and have helped me to get to a reflective mood.
It still feels odd as if my dad's just in another room or still in hospital, but he's no longer having his dignity being ripped apart by this awful disease. He called his home 'his Buckingham Palace' and through all the upset and anger dementia has caused in us all, we were able to maintain his care at such a high level, mostly within his family, and at the place he loved most.

Hugs to you all xx
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
131
You know, you all are stars. All your responses are appreciated and have helped me to get to a reflective mood.
It still feels odd as if my dad's just in another room or still in hospital, but he's no longer having his dignity being ripped apart by this awful disease. He called his home 'his Buckingham Palace' and through all the upset and anger dementia has caused in us all, we were able to maintain his care at such a high level, mostly within his family, and at the place he loved most.

Hugs to you all xx
One of the nurses said the reason why mum had lived so long was because I was looking after her at home. There does come a point when you can no longer cope, but keeping people at home wherever possible helps them, in familiar settings with people who know them, their little ( or not so little!) ways better than any professional carer can.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,819
@CWR dad's oncologist said the same, she said he had only done so well because of the excellent support that he had at home. Whether it was true or not will never be known.

We have now reached the same place as where @myss dad was and I don't think that however wonderful the support that dad gets, it will not be enough to keep him going. There is a time that comes when it is inevitable as the body can not keep going and we all need to accept that however hard and it is hard however old and ill they are.

We just want to make things better for them but sometimes the alternative is better. So very very hard.
 

Anmarg

Registered User
Apr 9, 2019
33
Dear @myss,
I really feel for you and send my thoughts and a virtual hug at this incredibly difficult time, I hope you can find some peace and comfort, it sounds like you did your very best for your Dad and loved him very much. Sending condolences.