I can’t go on anymore as am very ill. Help!!!

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Julia58, Jun 23, 2019.

  1. Julia58

    Julia58 Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    Sorry but I am at my wits end and on the verge on a breakdown.....again.
    Firstly I lost my dad 5 years ago to vascular dementia. I helped care for him for many years prior to loosing him.

    Now my mum had Vascular Dementia and Alzheimers. She was diagnosed a year ago via a brain scan and mental health team. However I think she has had it longer.

    Well mum lives in warden controlled flats. She had gone down badly past few weeks.
    She is almost blind had COPD and Crohns.
    After a very big struggle we have carers going in now 3 times a day as we found 6 months worth of medication hidden all over.
    She hasn’t been eating drinking and lost a stone.
    Now mums turned this week and said dosnt want carers dosnt want a shower...I could write a book.

    Mum is constantly repeating herself. Loosing everything in fact to me not safe anymore.
    We have had the gas cooker disconnected.
    I am constantly on phone to social workers, mental health team mums Gp etc etc.
    It’s endless. If not I am up at mums with meetings the care system.
    Now I will come to me.
    I have Fibromyalgia, M.E/CFS cervical and lumbar Spondilosis and other health problems.
    Now I have become very ill to the point I am in horrendous pain awful fatigue constant crying.
    I am becoming very confused and irritable.
    My marriage is suffering now too.
    My Gp has told me to stop and turn the phone off.
    How can I.

    Well yesterday I cracked in front of mum.
    We had the mental health nurse there. Mums carer came, The lead team carer to do an assessment. I burst into tears shaking.
    No one took any notice.
    Today I have been in bed all day. I feel numb.
    I can’t carry on anymore.
    We also my husband and myself found bills not paid, assessment forms, all sorts threw it all in a bag and brought it home.
    This morning I sobbed and said I can’t fill these forms in and I am shutting myself away.
    I have no help much only a brother who,pops in now and then.
    Any advice very welcome as I am so ill I am going to end up in hospital before long.
    This is only part of what’s going on and what I am dealing with.
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    If you end up ill or in hospital you wont be able to do anything anyway, so take your GPs advice, stop doing things and switch off the phone. All the while you are running yourself into the ground no-one else will do anything. As you have discovered, social workers etc are looking at your mum and no-one considers you.

    Its heading for a crisis and you wont be able to prevent it - dont let the crisis take you too
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I’m so sorry to read of your situation. It really does sound like you need to take your GP’s advice, no matter how hard that might be.

    It might be a good idea to phone the helpline tomorrow and talk over your situation with one of the advisors there. They're Open tomorrow from 10am to 4pm. The phone number is

    0300 222 11 22

    The details are here -

  4. HazieP

    HazieP Registered User

    Jan 20, 2019
  5. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Sorry you have so much to deal with and are feeling overwhelmed, Julia. The helpline is definitely the best place to go for support.
  6. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation Julia. As others have said ring the helpline tomorrow. I've found them to be very good when I've been overwhelmed.
    Look after yourself. Your mum is in warden controlled flats so the warden can look out for her. It's time to let the professionals step up and do their job. Let us know how you get on.
  7. Mudgee Joy

    Mudgee Joy Registered User

    Dec 26, 2017
    New South Wales Australia
    Hi Julia
    I can only agree with the above helpers - when you start cracking up you need to stop and take care of your self - you need some time, some proper sleep and support - I hope you get all three ! Hugs MJ
  8. Julia58

    Julia58 Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    Thankyou all. Its not that simple. The warden isnt on site anymore and does nothing.
    I am trying to get my head around mum...as she is having carers coming in 3 times a day.
    However i cant settle with me being point of contact. POA.
    Phone keeps ringing. Its either mums key worker. Mums mental health nurse.
    Then mum ringing me constantly repeating herself and crying.
    I know that is part of the dementia.
    I have contact with the Alzheimers and Dementia society.
    I have crisis numbers here for me to ring for myself.
    I have my own carers suppirt worker.
    My husband is my carer too by the way and hes doing alk sorts for my mum.
    Hes up there alot as i am too poorly right now to do anything.
    Shes my mum and i know i am grieving and also greiving for my late father.
    I have been ill with Fibromyalgia and M.E for 40 years.
    Yes i am now 65 but my healths really bad.
    I cant just take a step back as i feel i am letting my mum down.
    Shes not my mum anymore.
    I have had councelling didnt help.
    I have family they dont get all this and hardly get any support from them other than my husband who isnt well himself.
    To be honest i dont see the point of anything anymore.
    I have never felt so ill and so alone and numb in all my life.
  9. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    Have you asked your mum's social worker for emergency respite in a carehome? Tell them that you can't carry on due to your own ill health and that they have a "duty of care" to your mum as a "vulnerable adult " and they need to find a safe and suitable place for her to live.

    It sounds as if you have reached carer breakdown so tell them that too. If you can't bring yourself to make the call yourself would your husband or brother do it for you?
  10. Julia58

    Julia58 Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    I have rang the crisis team twice regarding myself over the past 2 weeks.
    Mums social worker and mental health team know my situation.
    Mum will not go into respite daycare anything.
    My husband has also done this. I get nowhere as mum although we have POA still has capacity to say no I am not going.
    I reached carer breakdown couple of weeks ago.
    My son and daughter have their head in the clouds too.
    I have no one.
    Tomorrow I will ring the local Dementia society near me and offload and talk as I am not carrying on like this anymore.
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    You will not be letting your mum down, it is not your fault that you are ill

    All the while you or your husband are taking calls and sorting things out SS deem that your mum is safe.
    Tell (or get your husband to tell) the home care manager that you are ill and unable to take any calls. Then switch the phone off.
    If you stop answering calls and sorting things out then SS will be contacted and if they deem that your mum is not safe they will overrule her wishes

    I am very concerned about you - I know that numb feeling and not seeing the point of everything.
  12. Julia58

    Julia58 Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    Thankyou for the advice. I will get my husband to do this tomorrow.
    From now on i will not take anymore phone calls nothing.
    I am now going to also do as my Gp said and have complete rest.
    I have never felt as low as this in my life.
    My Gp has put me on Diazepam as everything is making me angry upset crying.
    I just want complete peace and quiet.x
  13. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    Well done for making the decisions. I hope you can stay strong and not take any more phone calls. Put your phone and your husband's on silent. You can see who is calling and call them back if a mobile. If it is the landline, unplug it - no harm will come for 48 hours as your mum does have carers 3 times a day.

    If your mum can't manage for 48 hours without you being phoned then she can't manage where she is and leave social services to sort this out.

    As others have said it isn't your fault, it is the dementia.

    And I do understand you saying she's not your mum anymore. I feel that way about my mum a lot.
  14. Mudgee Joy

    Mudgee Joy Registered User

    Dec 26, 2017
    New South Wales Australia
    I hope you soon feel better. There is life after dementia. Perhaps something natural will intervene with your mum . Is there a scenario that you mum would accept as a reason to go into care !? But in the meantime have some peace and sleep !
  15. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    Hi Julia 58 sending big hugs to you I have also felt numb please take care of yourself xx
  16. Anise7

    Anise7 Registered User

    Jun 1, 2013
    As long as you carry on little will change. Stop now and let others take over. My family said very clearly to me "we've lost our father, we don't want to lose you too". Sometimes tough love is the only way.

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