i broke, i’m passed the breaking point

[Grannie G]

Hello @lushr

and i’m exhausted….

i am aware of my privilege, i’m aware this would not break other people. but maybe they have family, maybe they have friends to talk to, maybe they even expect to get a christmas present this year…

Privilege is nothing when you are exhausted and feel so alone and isolated.

If there is no one around to look after you, please look after yourself

There will be a lot of us on our own over Christmas, especially this year with covid. I`m hoping we will all get together on the forum and try to connect. I hope you will join us.

 

[lushr]

yes i went for the gin and valium @canary as my neck is so tense i can’t turn it left and right. forcible relaxation, and they are playing Death in Paradise all weekend so that’s tv valium right there!

 

[lushr]

thank you @Grannie G yeah, i think it’s gonna be ok, i have food intolerances so i can’t have a traditional turkey but i have pavlova, kiwi fruit and curry… what more could a girl ask for?

just knowing sane caring people with similar lived experiences are here, makes me feel less like acting out or doing something silly…

 

[Dort1]

thank you @Grannie G yeah, i think it’s gonna be ok, i have food intolerances so i can’t have a traditional turkey but i have pavlova, kiwi fruit and curry… what more could a girl ask for?

just knowing sane caring people with similar lived experiences are here, makes me feel less like acting out or doing something silly…

Hi Lushr

Although everyone's situation is different and unique to them, I'm sure many of us can identify with some of the feelings and situations you describe.

Whatever your Mum's state of health, just remember one thing. You can't help look after someone else unless you look after yourself. i.e. You are no good to her in assisting with her care if you're not in a reasonable state of health yourself. I say this to you not in judgement but out of love and care for someone else experiencing life difficulties, resulting in their own health deteriorating and suffering. I've been there. Many times.

Take some time to rest and recuperate without making any demands of yourself apart from things that you find nice and pleasurable, that involve no pressure. e.g. binge watch some of your favourite TV. Take a nice long bath or shower with your favourite toiletries. Eat some food that you like that will provide you with a little sustenance. Pop outside just for 5 or10 minutes maybe for a short walk or just stand in some outside space Iike a park or your garden if you have one. And if you feel up to it, try to find the courage to call or maybe message a friend, even if it's just a short call to say hi and have a quick chat. You will feel a little better if only for a short while at first.

Also by cutting out doing all the other stuff that isn't important right now, you're giving your brain some time and space to rest by not having to think about it. Also in turn, like your hire car debacle, you won't have these things stressing you out to the max and upsetting you, which in turn, only makes you feel worse.

When you feel a bit stronger and less brain ********, then go and have a visit with your Mum when you feel ready to, NOT when you feel you ought to. Hopefully, by then, you'll also get a little out of it for yourself even if you just feel less anxious about her overall well being having seen her.

Even though I'm sure that you are trying your best, please try one or two things, even if you're sceptical. Otherwise it is really hard to break out of or see any light outside of ever decreasing circles and things will just stay the same and you probably won't feel any better.

Thinking of you at this difficult time but knowing that you'll get there xx

 

[lushr]

thanks @Dort1 yeah i have had a few reminders today of how dangerous it is to push past my limit.

once, i had to drive mum to her dr appointment…. i wasn’t up for it, but i had no real thing as an excuse other than being tired. i ended up running the car off the road on the way to mums, and gettinb a slow tire leak that meant i broke down with her in the car and had to get her a cab to the dr. she was so distraught by the tires losing air the appointment was a wash for her.

but i, who had actually been in the accident and had to get towed to a repair place and wait there all day for them to repair my car…. my feelings didn’t count.

that’s when i started listening to my needs more. “just tired” is dangerous if you are out on the road. doing more than you feel you can.

im trying to do little things to refill, like you say

but my bucket is empty. even when i find joy in a tv show i just end up crying and crying till i fall asleep.

these quiet moments. when there’s nothing to do but think… ive been avoiding them till now. running and running as fast as i can, but facing the thoughts and emotions has been like an adventure movie, high thrills and spills. but i can’t keep balancing on the tightrope, i’m tired…

 

[TNJJ]

thanks @Dort1 yeah i have had a few reminders today of how dangerous it is to push past my limit.

once, i had to drive mum to her dr appointment…. i wasn’t up for it, but i had no real thing as an excuse other than being tired. i ended up running the car off the road on the way to mums, and gettinb a slow tire leak that meant i broke down with her in the car and had to get her a cab to the dr. she was so distraught by the tires losing air the appointment was a wash for her.

but i, who had actually been in the accident and had to get towed to a repair place and wait there all day for them to repair my car…. my feelings didn’t count.

that’s when i started listening to my needs more. “just tired” is dangerous if you are out on the road. doing more than you feel you can.

im trying to do little things to refill, like you say

but my bucket is empty. even when i find joy in a tv show i just end up crying and crying till i fall asleep.

these quiet moments. when there’s nothing to do but think… ive been avoiding them till now. running and running as fast as i can, but facing the thoughts and emotions has been like an adventure movie, high thrills and spills. but i can’t keep balancing on the tightrope, i’m tired…

Hi. I was like that a few months ago.I don’t live with dad but was caring for him for 4 days a week with carers taking over the other days. It wasn’t easy as he is not the easiest person to care for .He is like a spoilt child as he always had his own way. I had to step back as all I could think of was dad’s needs. My needs were not getting a look in. So I had to step back for my own mental health. So I do have some idea of what you are going through. I found it helpful to write things down. Sending (( hugs)).

 

[lushr]

thanks @TNJJ ironically i never lived in and cared for mum, well, only in the early stages before we knew and i was working.

today i was supposed to stay in an air bnb around the corner, i packed my bags and food and dragged it all down the street, but when i got there the place was super depressing and not clean.

funnily by the time i got home i felt a lot better, i was just so glad to be home! i’m definitely less blue, even if i wasted money on a place i’m not staying in….

 

[canary]

What a shame about the airbnb, although Im glad you are feeling less blue

Ive got a new 1,000 piece jig-saw and now that Christmas is over I can make a start on it. I find it great for taking my mind off everything around and interruptions dont matter.

 

[lushr]

puzzles are the best @canary . i play sudoku on my ipad a lot… i need to get back into books… i seem to have lost the attention span

 

[Harky]

puzzles are the best @canary . i play sudoku on my ipad a lot… i need to get back into books… i seem to have lost the attention span

I care for my wife 24/7 and couldn't get through the days without the distraction of computer word games and puzzles. Without those I'd go crazy as the days can be so long and stressful when she's having exceptionally difficult days.

 

[lushr]

@Harky you are amazing, i don’t think i could be a carer. not like that… i know we all get used to what we have but still, it’s a very big job. i’m not even willing to have children for the same reason!

i was looking at books today and there’s a trendy one about “unicorn space”… the concept is that you cannot be happy trudging through life if you don’t make room for fun and creativity. and i think it’s right… my soul is slowly being crushed, and i can “rest”, i can “treat myself” and i can escape in another word gme!

… but maybe what i need is to dance to an old favourite song, or buy a paint by numbers kit, or set up dads model trains and actually set aside time each day for that small piece of a unicorn…

so i hope you find a piece of unicorn to make your days not just survivable but, liveable? hope i’m not overstepping…

 

[Harky]

@Harky you are amazing, i don’t think i could be a carer. not like that… i know we all get used to what we have but still, it’s a very big job. i’m not even willing to have children for the same reason!

i was looking at books today and there’s a trendy one about “unicorn space”… the concept is that you cannot be happy trudging through life if you don’t make room for fun and creativity. and i think it’s right… my soul is slowly being crushed, and i can “rest”, i can “treat myself” and i can escape in another word gme!

… but maybe what i need is to dance to an old favourite song, or buy a paint by numbers kit, or set up dads model trains and actually set aside time each day for that small piece of a unicorn…

so i hope you find a piece of unicorn to make your days not just survivable but, liveable? hope i’m not overstepping…

She's having a bad day today. She thinks I went out ages ago and still haven't returned. I'm in for it when I eventually get back. Also continually asking where her mother is (she passed away 15yrs ago) They go down so quickly, not too long ago , she'd walk a minimum of 10 miles a day 5 days a week with her friend. I'd be out cycling most days with friends, we'd have tea at night and go for a further walk at night. Now she struggles to walk a short distance and even then, I've got to be beside her for support.

 

[lushr]

i’m so sorry, you’ve lost your independence as has she.
my mum has the curse of perfect physical health and fast declining mental health… she will probably live a long time in a body she doesn’t really use because there’s nowhere to go…

there’s so many different ways to be “cursed” but it sounds like you have great memories of an active enjoyed life together so that’s priceless.

 

[lushr]

i found an article. hat describes my mother perfectly and makes me realise that after 43 years of abuse i don’t owe her anything. she might be more vulnerable now, but she’s still essentially the same. and i deserve better.

7 Ways Covert Narcissist Parents Groom Children for Abuse​

7 Ways Covert Narcissist Parents Groom Children for Abuse

Kind to be cruel? Is your "nice" parent killing you softly?

www.psychologytoday.com

 

[Harky]

@Harky you are amazing, i don’t think i could be a carer. not like that… i know we all get used to what we have but still, it’s a very big job. i’m not even willing to have children for the same reason!

i was looking at books today and there’s a trendy one about “unicorn space”… the concept is that you cannot be happy trudging through life if you don’t make room for fun and creativity. and i think it’s right… my soul is slowly being crushed, and i can “rest”, i can “treat myself” and i can escape in another word gme!

… but maybe what i need is to dance to an old favourite song, or buy a paint by numbers kit, or set up dads model trains and actually set aside time each day for that small piece of a unicorn…

so i hope you find a piece of unicorn to make your days not just survivable but, liveable? hope i’m not overstepping…

Well I'm certainly creative. I'm constantly thinking of ways to get around her obsessions. Because of her inability to go to the toilet without making a mess on the floor and on her underwear I've adapted an alarm on the door as she constantly tries to go herself. This saves me getting up every time she leaves the room for a wander.

Thought I'd overcame the multilayering of clothes and shoes by gradually removing them from around the bed and removing them to the room she's afraid to go into as this mysterious woman lives in there. Yesterday she's started going into the wardrobe in our room , multilayering with my jumpers and shirts and hiding them under our pillows and under the bed. So it's back to being CREATIVE again to. She certainly keeps me on my toes.

 

[Ronnie25]

I am struggling mentally with visiting my mum, I am weary of the never ending worry for her wellbeing. I have to steal myself to go, if I'm honest I find it an ordeal. I love my mum dearly, but this lady I visit, is no longer the same person. The last time I booked a care home visit, I crumbled and did not make it. I am aiming to try and get there on 23rd, my daughter is going to come with me for moral support. That way I can try and prioritise my own well-being over Christmas itself. The new visiting restrictions have only worsened this issue, as there were others who visited regularly, so I didn't feel quite so bad if I missed. Now as NOK I have had to chose just 3 of us, again causing friction. It is quite likely that this rule of 3 (or possibly even less/none) may well extend until end of life now.

I can totally relate to that. It must be horrific seeing your Mum in that way. You do need to look after yourself too.

 

[Feeling unsupported]

I can totally relate to that. It must be horrific seeing your Mum in that way. You do need to look after yourself too.

Thanks @Ronnie25, I'm doing what I feel able to cope with and have managed to give my own wellbeing priority ❤️

 

[lushr]

@Feeling unsupported i completely feel you…. I was actually going to therapy and my therapist was very clear with me that visiting was too much, and to be gentler with myself. It turns out mum is quite happy, time doesn’t really pass for her any more…

for us, it’s a whole other thing, I see a version of my mum I don’t like, I can’t talk to her about anything, it’s a strain to entertain her, it’ll only be 30 minutes max anyway. And I’m just reminded of how much she doesn’t know Any more. She remembers nothing of my life, my dad.

and let’s be real no one has perfect relationships with their mum, so the bad stuff is often still unresolved and will remain that way forever now. It’s the worst way to lose someone. They’re gone, but they are right in front of you.

you might do better to visit somewhere that remind you of your mum, tell your daughter stories… relive things with her, to replanish your soul. Because you are still here and your daughter needs you. Much more than your mum does.

i hope this helps.