i broke, i’m passed the breaking point

[lushr]

i think it was the minor car accident, no one was hurt and it wasn’t my fault, but i’m without a car till end of january, and cannot walk distances… so just trying to get transport to mum on christmas had me tearing my hair out,
then i had to get a booster shot to be allowed to see her
then they delayed settlement of the house without telling me do i’ve been chasing lawyers


and on it goes… i mean i don’t want to go see mum, it’s going yo cost me a fortune to get a car to go see her… ive gotten her lovely christmas presents,

but i won’t get any presents this christmas, unless i steal from mums account and buy myself something…

christmas doesn’t usually hit me, but the lack of mobility and pressure to get things done…. i’m beyond….

thank god for phenergan, i can atleast sleep

 

[canary]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank goodness you can sleep.
For the rest - you can only do what you can do. If you cant get to your mums, she may not even notice.

 

[Grannie G]

I`m so sorry it`s all become too much for you @lushr

It`s little compensation I know but Talking Point will be here for you at Christmas. There`ll be many of us on our own and I hope we will all be able to get together in the Tea Room and have a bit of fun.

 

[Sarasa]

@lushr I hope things look a little better after a sleep. Your mum probably won't notice if you visit or not, but can you organise someone to take the presents there for you. Royal Mail have a collect from home service and a quick internet search showed other companies have a similar service.
There'll always be someone on Talking Point to listen.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @lushr

How do you feel about not visiting your mum on Christmas Day? Is that a pressure you could take away from yourself?

Whether you visit or not, plan to do something you enjoy on Christmas Day. Read a favourite book, watch a favourite film, buy yourself a treat - a box of chocolates, flowers, something nice to eat and drink. Do something just for you.

Even minor accidents can be a shock and the ridiculous fuss about Christmas can be a strain at the best of times - and this is not the best of times. Cut yourself some slack, take a deep breath and try to take pleasure in small things.

 

[cobden 28]

My mum (90) has early-stage alhzeimers and lives in a different city to me, and i don't drive, so it's impossible for me to get to see Mum on December 25th as there's no trains running that day. dDoes yur mum have a friend who she could be with on Christmas Day instead of having you to visit?
In the past, my mum has always insisted on seeing me (her only child and NOK) on December 25th with no other day being acceptable to her, but without the means to get to her house it's impossible to visit!
Instead, as soon as the trains are running again between Christmas and the New Year, that's when i'm going to visit. Could you not work out something along those lines for visiting, perhaps?

 

[Grannie G]

I’d forgotten I couldn’t visit my husband on Christmas Day because there were no buses running.

He didn’t even notice.

 

[Feeling unsupported]

I am struggling mentally with visiting my mum, I am weary of the never ending worry for her wellbeing. I have to steal myself to go, if I'm honest I find it an ordeal. I love my mum dearly, but this lady I visit, is no longer the same person. The last time I booked a care home visit, I crumbled and did not make it. I am aiming to try and get there on 23rd, my daughter is going to come with me for moral support. That way I can try and prioritise my own well-being over Christmas itself. The new visiting restrictions have only worsened this issue, as there were others who visited regularly, so I didn't feel quite so bad if I missed. Now as NOK I have had to chose just 3 of us, again causing friction. It is quite likely that this rule of 3 (or possibly even less/none) may well extend until end of life now.

 

[Violet Jane]

I used to dread visiting my mother in the care home where she lived for over 4 years. I would have to psych myself up before each visit and if I had the slightest excuse not to go I would put it off. As she deteriorated it got even harder. It was absolutely shocking to see how diminished she had become. Probably two Christmases before she died I brought in a simple craft activity that I had prepared for my toddler group and she showed no interest in it at all, having once been so creative. It was heartbreaking to see. In the latter stages of her illness I used to long for her to die as she had no quality of life that I could see and when she did die it was a relief.

 

[Susan11]

i think it was the minor car accident, no one was hurt and it wasn’t my fault, but i’m without a car till end of january, and cannot walk distances… so just trying to get transport to mum on christmas had me tearing my hair out,
then i had to get a booster shot to be allowed to see her
then they delayed settlement of the house without telling me do i’ve been chasing lawyers


and on it goes… i mean i don’t want to go see mum, it’s going yo cost me a fortune to get a car to go see her… ive gotten her lovely christmas presents,

but i won’t get any presents this christmas, unless i steal from mums account and buy myself something…

christmas doesn’t usually hit me, but the lack of mobility and pressure to get things done…. i’m beyond….

thank god for phenergan, i can atleast sleep

I

i think it was the minor car accident, no one was hurt and it wasn’t my fault, but i’m without a car till end of january, and cannot walk distances… so just trying to get transport to mum on christmas had me tearing my hair out,
then i had to get a booster shot to be allowed to see her
then they delayed settlement of the house without telling me do i’ve been chasing lawyers


and on it goes… i mean i don’t want to go see mum, it’s going yo cost me a fortune to get a car to go see her… ive gotten her lovely christmas presents,

but i won’t get any presents this christmas, unless i steal from mums account and buy myself something…

christmas doesn’t usually hit me, but the lack of mobility and pressure to get things done…. i’m beyond….

thank god for phenergan, i can atleast sleep

I didn't get to see my Mum on Christmas Day itself but it was ok. The CH was very busy with lots of activities and she had a good day. One year one of the Carers rang me on Christmas Day to tell me what a great day Mum had had and she'd joined in many activities. Wasn't that kind?

 

[lushr]

so much to say!

firstly thank you to each and every one of you.
secondly i feel those who dread the visit, i haven’t seen her since her birthday in april so i really can’t justify to my conscience not to go.. sitting at home feeling guilty would be worse…
ive just hired a car. it’s the easiest way,
im just numb at the moment, i’m barely keeping up with basic hygiene etc you know?

Shetland season six has the most heart wrenching scenes with Perez’ dad who has dementia and just lost his wife, it is the FIRST time i’ve seen such a real depiction of the pain and frustration, did i say this already? it’s only a side noe to the episode, but the scenes are so real…. i don’t know how anyone sticks by someone with dementia…. there’s the denial, the lies, the anger and frustration, the pleading and bargaining, and that’s just us, the caters. i don’t know what acceptance looks like…. how do you accept the person youve known all your life remembers nothing about their tine eith you, values nothing about their years with you?

i dunno if it’s worse that she wouldn’t notice i didn’t come, i’m pretty sure that won’t be the case… i, pretty sure she still expects me to be there more…. no one has visited her since May, mostly because of lock downs…

if it weren’t for the guilt i’d never ever go back, it is every kind of hell to be there, i don’t have words to describe it but you all did above so well…

i bought her clothes which need labels, i hope they’re the right size i thought she might have gained some weight because she’s not exercising so i figured some dresses and cardigans would be nice, but i have to then take them to reception to be labelled… they really… they expect a lot of me, being able to use their app to book. knowing to label the clothes, taking the clothes from my mum go get them labelled… and there’s no parking… where do they expect visitors to park…?

i pretty much need a carer myself… but having a hire car means i can escape asap.

ive actually been dishing i’d get covid!

@cobden 28 maybe it’s a blessing, reality is on your side, you just cannot go.

@Feeling unsupported i agree completely, completely… totally, exactly the same…. i think of it like ripping off a bandaid, i play great music in the car over, then go do my best, then drive like a banshee home playing even better music and go eat at my fave restaurant…. i can’t do the restaurant on christmas, but i might get a slurped at 7-11!

 

[Feeling unsupported]

so much to say!

firstly thank you to each and every one of you.
secondly i feel those who dread the visit, i haven’t seen her since her birthday in april so i really can’t justify to my conscience not to go.. sitting at home feeling guilty would be worse…
ive just hired a car. it’s the easiest way,
im just numb at the moment, i’m barely keeping up with basic hygiene etc you know?

Shetland season six has the most heart wrenching scenes with Perez’ dad who has dementia and just lost his wife, it is the FIRST time i’ve seen such a real depiction of the pain and frustration, did i say this already? it’s only a side noe to the episode, but the scenes are so real…. i don’t know how anyone sticks by someone with dementia…. there’s the denial, the lies, the anger and frustration, the pleading and bargaining, and that’s just us, the caters. i don’t know what acceptance looks like…. how do you accept the person youve known all your life remembers nothing about their tine eith you, values nothing about their years with you?

i dunno if it’s worse that she wouldn’t notice i didn’t come, i’m pretty sure that won’t be the case… i, pretty sure she still expects me to be there more…. no one has visited her since May, mostly because of lock downs…

if it weren’t for the guilt i’d never ever go back, it is every kind of hell to be there, i don’t have words to describe it but you all did above so well…

i bought her clothes which need labels, i hope they’re the right size i thought she might have gained some weight because she’s not exercising so i figured some dresses and cardigans would be nice, but i have to then take them to reception to be labelled… they really… they expect a lot of me, being able to use their app to book. knowing to label the clothes, taking the clothes from my mum go get them labelled… and there’s no parking… where do they expect visitors to park…?

i pretty much need a carer myself… but having a hire car means i can escape asap.

ive actually been dishing i’d get covid!

@cobden 28 maybe it’s a blessing, reality is on your side, you just cannot go.

@Feeling unsupported i agree completely, completely… totally, exactly the same…. i think of it like ripping off a bandaid, i play great music in the car over, then go do my best, then drive like a banshee home playing even better music and go eat at my fave restaurant…. i can’t do the restaurant on christmas, but i might get a slurped at 7-11!

Thank you @lushr I feel so much better knowing I am not the only one that feels this way. I somehow imagine that everyone else just loves to visit their PWD, which just compounds my guilt. I feel that others are watching me and judging too. Others in my family all had siblings and indeed my own parents, supporting and visiting, when their parents were struggling. My mum is the last of her generation and I have no siblings helping out, it is such a lonely place. Lets get this done this week and reward ourselves with something we enjoy (however simple) at Christmas.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @lushr, I wonder if talking things through with the Support Line (open till 4.00 today) or The Sarmatians would help.
Details here:
Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90 and jo@samaritans.org

 

[lushr]

i have already spoken to my psych, it’s not the visit, it’s my mental health and the logistics of doing the right thing when i font went to do the right thing. every year has. even worse than the last since 2013….

 

[lushr]

its official… i can’t get a car to see mum…. i’ll have to wait till the new year and hope there are cabs around… or… i could go today…. by cab…. ****…

 

[canary]

It sounds like it has been taken out of your hands @lushr
I shall pass you the Talking Point official Guilt Monster Bashing Stick so you can give that guilt monster on your shoulder a good whack and knock it off.
Then go and see her in the New Year

 

[Jude48]

its official… i can’t get a car to see mum…. i’ll have to wait till the new year and hope there are cabs around… or… i could go today…. by cab…. ****…

Why do we keep punishing ourselves why do we feel so guilty is it because people who have no idea ( including doctors) make us feel bad by assuming and expect that we should be slaves or servants for our relatives. I am sick exhausted and hate my life. I am getting old and have no quality of life and I’m beginning to hate him and I feel bad when I don’t want to face the day because there is nothing to look forward to but keeping him going.

 

[lushr]

@Jude48 i’m so sorry… it seems like we all end up in that place no matter how hard we try. hating the person you’re caring for especially when they don’t get what you are going through makes perfect sense to me, but yeah it’s like the rest of the world is oblivious… i feel like… so many people have never hit their breaking point, they have no idea!

i was watching BabySitters Club on Netflix and one girl was so mad because she had to do all this maintenance of her diabetes just to be normal, while others could fly and be athletes…. i feel like her. i malways sick, just getting to equilibrium is hard!

@canary as always i LOVE you, and i will take the Talking Point official Guilt Monster Bashing Stick and bash the **** out of something tonight.

atleast i did call it.
i could have spendt the day booking taxis and waiting hours for them to show up… but i knew that was way more than little old me can handle with presents and trying to look nice and everything else…

to having a car is amazingly annoying when i suddenly DO want to leave the house, but it also allows me to NOT go anywhere, guilt free ish….

i hope bashingthe guilt monster works because i just can’t carry this heavy heart all week….

 

[lushr]

i woke up late today, relaxed, watched some tv, then my phone went off, i had missed two messages from the car rental place, they said my booking at 3:30 tody was too late, they’d be closed by then.

they never even confirmed the booking! and it was 2pm!

so i rushed downstairs trying to get a cab, my phone went dead, by 2:30 i had to rush back up and charge my phone, while i searched for my train ticket… which i haven’t needed for years… (never found it)

then a cab says it can pick me up in 20 minutes which would mean it would get to the car rental place after they close!
so i call the car rental place to cancel and complain that they had never confirmed the booking in the first place, while also admitting defeat all over again that i can’t see my mum.

they have massive hold lines… they tell me i have to pay the booking, and so i have to ask the manager, and they put me on hold for 20 more minutes.

in the end the woman tells me the booking was never confirmed so i won’t have to pay anything…. and i burst into tears…

honestly… i’m in pieces right now… to go through all of that in the space of an hour, running around, triggering my asthma, desperately trying to find a car at the last minute…. the amount of energy i was spending and then having to call it, all over again and say “no… this is not doable for me” and then convince a big company not to charge me…

ive already tried two other flexi car type services and they had no cars in the area, so ihad to pay their annual fee, even though i cancelled the service in the first day, they ALSO have long wait times and are not replying to emails or phone….. i feel like i’ve thrown so much money at this and people are just taking advantage without providing me a service…


and i’m exhausted….

and of course, i was dreading christmas already… i really feel for people who don’t have the privilege of a car, or money to throw at these problems, as it has just pushed me to the edge.

i am aware of my privilege, i’m aware this would not break other people. but maybe they have family, maybe they have friends to talk to, maybe they even expect to get a christmas present this year…

 

[canary]

Oh @lushr , thats just awful. Im not surprised you are so wrung out. Im glad you didnt have to pay for the car rental, even though the whole sorry episode cost you so much time energy and money.
Make use of that Guilt Monster Bashing Stick again and slob out in front of the TV. I would also open a bottle of wine, but hey! - thats just me.