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I am such a failure

Tsarina

New member
Mar 7, 2020
7
A few weeks ago I posted I had brought my husband home because I was not happy with the placement social services had arranged. When he was at home it was clear he had detiorated a lot and was highly dependent. I really wanted it to work. However three weeks ago he became violent and assaulted me also threatening to kill me and calling me terrible names. There was no trigger, he just flipped and he looked and sounded deranged. I managed to get out of the house and phone the police. He was violent and aggressive with them and they tried to find a placement for him but it was at night so he had to be arrested and he left the house in cuffs.
He is now in a psychiatric unit for the elderly under section. He will not be able to return home.
I stand by my decision to bring him home and I feel so sad that it’s come to this. I’m not angry as it was the dementia not him and I was able to visit him before lockdown. I really feel such a failure and I was too ashamed to post before. Thanks for listening x
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
7,030
Bristol
I don't know what to write to help you, Tsarina. What an awful time you and your husband have had. You did what you thought was right, but none of us has any training or anything to prepare us for what Dementia can bring. Don't feel a failure.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,370
South coast
It is not your fault that you couldnt make it work. Dementia will take everything that you have and still want more, so it takes a whole team of people to cope with it - not just one frazzled, tired, untrained person, however loving and willing.
You are not a failure, no-one could have coped in that situation.

I hope that now your husband will have his needs met and perhaps medication sorted out.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,740
Kent
You tried @Tsarina so didn`t leave yourself open to `what ifs?` You could have done nothing better.

I`m so sorry it ended in a psychotic episode. My husband had just one but I know how frightening it is.

Never be ashamed of something entirely out of your control and also out of your dear husband`s control.

So sad.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,624
Yorkshire
You're not a failure, you tried to do what you could to keep him with you as you didn't think the care placement was right for him, then you had to make a decision to call police to keep you both safe. He could have hurt you or himself and is now somewhere safer for him. If he had gone to ss placement and similar thing happened he would probably have been moved to the same unit he's in now and it may even have happened sooner. Its not your fault, just like its not his fault, its dementias fault. You did your best x
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
206
I am so sorry @Tsarina its a nightmare for all of us, so please don’t feel ashamed. As long as you are safe, that’s the main thing.
 

Tsarina

New member
Mar 7, 2020
7
Thank you all for your understanding. It’s so final now and so so sad. I keep in touch with the unit ,the staff are lovely and have asked me all about him so they can get to know him better. However he has shown aggression at times but they always say that there’s enough staff to help him. They also let him speak to me on the phone sometimes and he asks to come home. At the moment I can blame the virus but he doesn’t really understand.
Dementia is so cruel because it takes away everything and swallows the person up. x
 

LynneMcV

Registered User
May 9, 2012
3,975
south-east London
There's absolutely no way that you are a failure @Tsarina - you tried to make it work but dementia always has the upper-hand in the end. As traumatic as it was, I know that you now accept that it could not work at home - and so hopefully that will get rid of the 'what ifs' that plague so many.

Do not feel ashamed - I am glad that you have found the courage to post - Keep on doing so, it is how we find our way through what can only be described as a living nightmare at times.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,131
Scotland
Oh my goodness how sad for you both. Dementia is the most cruel of illnesses. You have tried your best and must have been terrified when it went wrong. What more could you have done? Please be as kind to yourself as you tried to be to your husband. Every one here understands and is with you.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,746
69
Dundee
Oh @Tsarina I’m so sorry to read of your situation. My heart heart goes out to you. I just wanted to join the others in saying that you have nothing to ashamed of and you are in no way a failure. You have gone the extra mile for you husband and you had no alternative given how he was but you tried.

I’m glad that he is safe and that the staff are looking after him well. I’m so glad you shared here and hope that you continue to come here for support. Thinking of you and wishing you strength.