I am struggling to keep my patience with my husband.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Casbow, Apr 30, 2015.

  1. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    979
    Colchester
    How can I feel better about caring for my husband. I am so angry all the time. He was diagnosed 7 years ago and obviously deteriorating but this last few weeks he has got so bad that I struggle to keep my patience as it is so unbelievable what he is doing. I am tired with having to do everything whilst he stands right behind me offering to help when in truth there is nothing he can do. He moves things about all the time and I can never find anything. This morning I found the post in his wardrobe. It was important post, so lucky that I obviously look after his clothes and found the post. I have tried to get him in day care just once a week but after 7 tries he refuses to go. Says he wants to be with me.Now the day care can only have him if I pay for one to one supervision . It is too much money. And anyway I don't enjoy a few hours respite if I know he is so distressed.How can I learn to cope better.
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,542
    Female
    Scotland
    This is a hard one for the truth is there is no single solution. He may get over this phase and move on to a worse one or be less trouble but more ill. Who can tell with this awful illness?

    Is there no one closer who could divert him - a relative or friend? What about volunteer visitors for an hour or two just to let you breathe free.

    I hope things improve for you but know this is not easy. Good wishes.
     
  3. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    Casbow, may I say welcome to TP, you have come to a good place. My husband had Parkinson's which is becoming over a period of time into dementia. I am not and never have been a patient person, and I get so frustrated when he won't move, or he gets in my way.

    I love him so much and don't like hurting him the way I do. I wish I had more patience but I work albeit part time now due to his condition, to me that is my respite, but I can leave him for a couple of hours to shop.

    Hang in there girl.
     
  4. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Hi Casbow, I'm glad you've found TP and I hope we can all be of some help to you. With reference to the extra payment required for the one-to-one supervision at day care does your OH receive any sort of disability benefit, AA for instance? AgeUK are very good at helping you figure out what entitlements you/OH may have to benefits that may help cover this extra cost.

    Could you go with OH to daycare a couple of times until he 'settles in' a bit - you could even go with and then leave after 30 mins or so on an 'errand' and then come back when the daycare is ending or would that leave him too distressed - it would depend on how aware of time he is.

    Is there a good friend of OH's that would sit with him for a few hours so that you could get out and have a little time to yourself?

    I found the local library a very good source of info on all available services from the local council and SS - ours have a comprehensive book listing all levels of care services and there are also lots of leaflets from others, like AgeUK etc. which might give you some more ideas.

    Good luck.
     
  5. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,958
    it worried me that you said you were "angry all the time" - that's you telling yourself you MUST have (at the very least) a decent break from caring and have it soon.

    In your shoes, I'd be asking everyone trying to help to track down potential sources of a good fortnight's respite care. I suggest you only worry about how to sell the "holiday" to your husband when you've actually found somewhere you'd be happy for him to stay.
     
  6. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Know the feeling, Casbow. I'm really in the same boat, I reckon. Six years into this, now, and the worst times for me are the early mornings; the pacing and general sundowning, which also now happens at sunrise as well.

    I have no support whatsoever so don't know how to advise you there. Just hope you can find some relief, and perhaps a bit of support.
     
  7. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    My mum has the same with dad, hides things, does random things. They go to various clubs together mon movement and dance, Tuesday art, wed singing for the brain, even going to those with lots of other people helps her and keeping dad occupied. Are there any things like that for you? Sad also goes to age UK club fri giving mum 4hrs. She pays for these but it helps her. I'm now going to take dad away for day completely so mum can be at home alone.
    Do you have other family to help.
    You sound fraught , you need to look after yourself . Shout for help, even if it is talking to everyone here on TP.
    Is there a good neighbours scheme, someone just coming in to sit and chat , called other things elsewhere?

    Keep talking to everyone here xx
     
  8. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    quote <Shout for help, even if it is talking to everyone here on TP.
    Is there a good neighbours scheme, someone just coming in to sit and chat , called other things elsewhere? Keep talking to everyone here xx >

    As Kjn says try to talk even if it is here, we are all in the same boat, and using a pun here, we lal have that sinking feeling.

    Just remember you are not alone
     

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