I am so fed up with the pathetic excuses.

[susiewoo]

How many times have I got to listen to people telling me that they can't go see my Mum anymore because 'it's too upsetting for me to see her like that'
Oh I am so sorry that my Mums illness is soooooo distressing for you!!!!!!!
I don't suppose she's overly happy about it either but can't communicate anymore.
Just go away and shut up cause my energy is used for my Mum and I'm not wasting any of it on your pathetic excuses or in trying to make you feel better.
Thats what I want to say and just maybe I will next time.

 

[shauna]

You are so right thees people are so pathetic They dont seem to realise the hurt it causes to the relatives of the sufferer when they come out with such stupid statements. What gets me is that they have no problem turning up at a funeral and pretending to be sympathetic. My mums friends have all lost contact with her since she has been in the nursing home and that hurts me a lot. Theese so called friends that my mother was so good to and she was always there for have deserted her. I just hope when my mum passes away that they dont come to her funeral because i dont think i will be able to restrain myself. Sorry to rant on but it just makes me so mad.

Shauna

 

[Katrine]

Oh yes, think of all the things you would really like to say to them, write it down, and pick a suitable script next time the occasion presents itself. These people are just dead weight, they are never going to help you, and who needs them. Cut them loose.

Why is it that, when we know exactly what we want to say, that politeness makes us listen to the b***s*** and make understanding noises? Really these are people who want you to give them permission to abandon their previous friendship or relationship with a person who is now too much trouble to them.

OK, let them go. You will never be there to help them when they need it because they have said goodbye. Sad, particularly if they were once important to your Mum, but they aren't any good to her now. Actually they are already in her past, so just make this clear to them. Then you can deal with now, and the future, without having their baggage to deal with.

On the positive side, you will discover other people who are brave enough to befriend you and your Mum, dealing with how things are now. You want to be surrounded by people who give you positive strokes. Anyone who makes you feel tired or depressed after you have spoken to them is not worth the effort. You need your strength to help your Mum and to keep your own positive energy. It's a good thing there are lots of people like that on TP.

 

[simonmonty]

One of the most hurtful and annoying things my mums so called siblings kept telling me was I want to remember her as she was another was her other so called children my siblings saying that our mum would want them to get on with their lives
One word kept coming to my mind SELFISH !

 

[Katrine]

And those attitudes are all about putting that person in the past and refusing to love and care for them in the present. Yes, selfish, and also giving you absolute permission to put them into your past. Not so easy to do with close relatives I know. Perhaps the phrase "Get over it!" covers what you might want to say to them.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

One of the most hurtful and annoying things my mums so called siblings kept telling me was I want to remember her as she was (

I've heard that also and for some reason that infuriates me more than anything. I feel it's a complete denial of my mother if they refuse to see her as she is. They can think what they like, but I just wish they would keep their big mouths shut.

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Susuewoo,

I so agree how easily people can disappear when there is a problem. But I disagree with Katrine on her response. If people need help, Katrine, then they need it. What they might have done or not done in the past isn't relevant. I'd hope that Susiewoo is there to help anyone, whether or not they responded to her need. People are so, so different in how they copy with life's problems. Please don't prejudge anyone.

Love

Margaret

 

[jennifer_eccles]

A sarcastic reply

A sarcastic reply.
I understand, besides she only remembers people who remained in her life when she got ill. So you have no worries.
Dang it's great to be witchy once in a while. Hugs susiewoo

 

[Poetic_Lass]

I am so sorry that people are pulling that with you, Susie. You are right - it IS pathetic of them. It's interesting how so many people are "friends" when everything is so convenient or they themselves need help, but they disappear like a flash of lightening if something happens with you. Some people are so selfish, and it is sickening, as well as their excuses.

I see the abandonment a lot, and so has my gran. When I was a little girl my grandmother was a nurse and worked at a nursing home - she took me with her a lot and would roll me around on a laundry cart to see the residents, to cheer them up. I continued going to the nursing home to visit the residents for years after, even after my gran retired from working because of health problems. 98% of the people that lived there had family just dump them there and none of their family visited nor did their friends. Gran said she'd never see their families again until their relative passed away and they had to come pick up their belongings; she said one thing was often said by nearly all of them at that time: "They weren't the person I knew anymore, so I didn't see a point in going to see them. I decided to just remember who they used to be". She said it was always very upsetting to her to hear people have that uncaring attitude. Perhaps the hardest thing for her to deal with when it came to the job, or up there in the top. Now gran is in that situation; she has no friends going to see her, and really the only family that go to see her are my mother and I - the rest of the family backed out and said going to see her when she wasn't herself anymore was just not something they were interested in doing. One family member even lied about calling her, because they didn't want to look bad, but also didn't want to talk to her because he said "Driving a nail through my hand would be more pleasant than talking to someone who doesn't know what they're saying". It was quite hard for me to restrain from telling that family member of mine off. So, I can understand where you're coming from, hun. I am so sorry it is happening, though. I guess when these things happen, you really find out fast who are true friends and who aren't. It's those people who aren't worthy, not your dear mother - remember that.


xxxx

 

[Grannie G]

Just go away and shut up cause my energy is used for my Mum and I'm not wasting any of it on your pathetic excuses or in trying to make you feel better.

You are right Sue. Don`t waste your energy. It`s their loss.

 

[bunnies]

How apt, for me to read this thread this morning. I have been ringing round people to tell them my aunt has died, and so often I hear from people she hasn't heard from for years 'oh yes we knew something was wrong, her letters were very confused', but they never did anything or came to see her. I also used to get the 'I'd like to remember her as she was' before. And now, at the funeral on Tuesday there will be me and OH, and a neighbour from either side, who are the ONLY people who took any interest in her when she was ill, but the rest of the clan will all be there in their Sunday best playing the grieving brokenhearted. It's a kind of madness isn't it?

 

[simonmonty]

Why is it that, when we know exactly what we want to say, that politeness makes us listen to the b***s*** and make understanding noises? Really these are people who want you to give them permission to abandon their previous friendship or relationship with a person who is now too much trouble to them.

OK, let them go. You will never be there to help them when they need it because they have said goodbye. Sad, particularly if they were once important to your Mum, but they aren't any good to her now. Actually they are already in her past, so just make this clear to them. Then you can deal with now, and the future, without having their baggage to deal with.

I understand how you feel Katrine my first thoughts were exactly the same as yours. But the more I think about it the more I think that if the same thing happened to them as did my mum I don't know if I could just walk away. Knowing what this Illness can do or rather what people can do to someone with this illness.
I cant take away the carer in me and would not want to now also caring is unconditional as you know.

All I can say is that for all my siblings and aunts that profess to being Christians and go to church every Sunday. When they have to face God on their judgement day I hope he shows more understanding and compassion then they showed my mother.

 

[Padraig]

A strange world

"I like to remember her the way she was" with that remark and mindset is it any wonder so many in society have a throw away attitude towards the elderly once they have reached 'their sell by date.'
From personal experience of 24/7 years of caring, I can now say years after my wife's death my strongest memories of our 52 years marriage were of the Alzheimer's years. There was a terrible beauty about those years. Her 'condition' brought us closer as we had the good fortune to spend each hour of every day together. How can one not come to love all the more in such circumstances? Actions out of love brings its own reward with no tears of regret.

 

[Katrine]

"Never darken my door again!"

Sorry Susie, I didn't mean to imply that you would throw these people out into the snow if they ever asked you for help! I just meant that selfish people will not maintain contact with you and so THEY are choosing not to benefit from any future help from you - that might have been available if they bothered to stay friends.

My suggestions to 'cut them loose', 'put them in the past' etc. were intended to be encouraging in a "with friends like these, .... " kind of way. Sorreee to everyone who was offended.

I have a close relative who can be so staggeringly selfish that I have occasionally expressed the (at the time) entirely sincere desire never to speak to her again. I don't mean it, but if she was a more distant relative or acquaintance, I might mean it.

 

[susiewoo]

I was so angry when I posted yesterday and reading all your responses makes me feel supported and puts it in perspective.
Padraig gave me a real gift..' Actions out of love brings its own reward with no tears of regret'
I have had some truely special moments with my Mum over the past few years that I could not hope to expect and will always be private to me. I cannot bear seeing Mum so destroyed by this illness but every so often there is a glimmer of my Mum as she was and I get to see her.
It is so hard when it is family coming out with the excuses. Also hard not to direct the anger at them.

 

[Padraig]

Time

Thanks Susiewoo,

We are each allotted the most precious gift: time, and yet we use expressions like; 'I have no time', 'if only I had more time', 'can't afford the time' etc. Yet we know it is made up of the past, present and maybe the future.
The present for carers is for a gift of time, knowing it is fast running out for both carer and loved one, a time to be treasured. When the time is up, it will appear to have passed in the blink of an eye and the chances are for siblings that there will be much time to reflect.
The present is a 'gift of time' to lovingly spend with your Mum and not allow outside influences detract from these very special moments.

 

[bunnies]

"There was a terrible beauty about those years. Her 'condition' brought us closer as we had the good fortune to spend each hour of every day together. .

Thankyou, Padraig, for expressing what has been going through my head this week since my aunt has died. That is exactly how I felt about the 'dementia years' too, and yet no-one else will want to thing of these years when remembering her.

 

[Sam Iam]

Excuses are not of any use, I feel trapped as one by one everyone around me (except for my wee family) has "jumped ship" best one was I work with "it" all day erm so do I and I come home to be mum's carer

Mum's friend ( they were constant companions) no where to be seen.

This is history repeating it'self for me for it was like this with my mum's mum who I was sent to " sit with" when was in my dearly teens. Boy was that a lonely time.

I fell like running and running but that would only get me sore feet