1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    Last night my OH stormed in whilst I was asleep, I don't know what he had hallucinated about but next he smashed the door screaming that he had had enough and he had finished. What had he dreamt I don't know but today has been a very lonely day as I don't have anyone to talk too. My children worry so much for my safety and last night was so worrying as to the damage to the house could so easily have been my bones. How do you carry on with this amount of stress. I have flights booked for spain on 1st feb and I so much want to go alone but this is impossible as I have to cook wash and care for my OH. Your TP do so much more than I do and have gone so much further where do I find the strength without putting g this on my 3 sons.



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  2. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Dear Angiebails l feel for you so much, l am much the same as you with my hubby, l have 2 sons they worry about me, what we need is some respite, l keep putting it off, but know l must do it, my hubby goes to bed most nights at 6 or 7 then wakes at 2 or 3 the evenings are very lonely, we must look after ourselves so l am being told by everyone, my hubby gets aggressive it does frighten me, l am sure it does you too, make sure you phone the police if you feel thretened ♡♡♡♡
     
  3. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    Angieballs - you must not continue to live in such fear. What if your husband had injured you last night, who would care for him then?? And if he knew what he was doing to you, how horrified would he be?

    I have a feeling I've said this before, but please get yourself some help. Your GP or the emergency services should be your first port of call, followed by social services.

    How old are your sons? Are they grown up? Would they want to feel that you could confide in them? Please don't rule them out as a source of support.....though I know how hard many of us strive to protect our children from the distressing truth.

    I am sorry I cannot be more specific. But you are not alone, you have TP ( and by the way there is, as I understand it, no hierarchy of 'who cares or does more' :eek:). And you have your family and the statutory services.

    Please don't be alone

    (((Hugs)))

    Lindy xx
     
  4. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    I do so feel for you Angiebails, to feel so frightened in your own home is truly horrible. I'm sure other people will have better advice for you than I can give but do have the Emergency Services telephone numbers on your mobile and keep it with you. It may be useful for you to talk to the Domestic Violence unit. They would be able to advise you about keeping yourself safe.
    Last but not least your GP may be able to prescribe medication to help your husband with his hallucinations which must be very frightening for him.
    My very best wishes to you.
     
  5. keywest67

    keywest67 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2012
    169
    Coventry
    Hi Angiebails, please don't feel alone, I was in this position with Mum and Dad about 15 months ago, in the end I attended a consultant appointment at the hospital and had Dad admitted into assessment centre and eventually a care home.......i felt I had to do this to protect Mum from his behaviour and also her health........I could not let mum get ill because of dad's illness......it's what he would have wanted me to do, if he had hurt mum he would be horrified and I couldn't take the risk.......it was hard and I hated doing this but I don't regret it.........you still have a life same as my Mum and you cannot live in your own home in fear.
    If your children are old enough you need to bring them into your world and get their support and help, family's should pull together and get strength from each other in times of crisis........sending you a hug, stay strong x
     
  6. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    My sons are 25+ but they have had so much put on them with my OH his behaviour has been terrible considering how understanding they have been. He has practically banned them from the house as it is his house. I have to go into hospital for tests a week Monday but I have not told anyone as my sons have just had there first child and my OH has reacted like this. I do have a hatred for this disease as it has taken so much from me. If only I knew what I would be going through in time


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  7. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    You have so much going on no wonder you are feeling so low.
    I do hope you can get some practical support and advice, your safety must be paramount.
    Wishing a peaceful night.
     
  8. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Sweetie, I know where you're coming from. When you posted before, all of us on TP said you mustn't live in fear for your own safety. But I know we all feel we can carry on a bit longer, and perhaps things will improve.

    The blunt truth is that the only way is down with AD. You're not suddenly going to find things are marvellous. Your husband is angry, confused and frightened, and he's lashing out verbally at the one closest to him, which is you.

    If you ask the professionals for help, it doesn't mean you've failed, but it means that things have reached a lower-than-rock-bottom level. I have no regrets that I got as much help for John when he lived at home, as I possibly could. He lashed out a few times, but nothing on the scale that you've posted about.

    We're all rooting for you, but cyber help isn't going to be of much use to you. You must get professional help and get some Me Time sweetie, because you definitely need it, and if you cave in, then you're going to be the one in hospital and "they'll" have to help your husband anyway.

    I know what you mean about having someone to talk to. My dog must have sore ears because he's been the recipient of everything, but apart from putting his head to one side, wagging his tail and licking his lips, it's not a 2 way conversation. :)

    Please seek help, and lay it on the line that you're frightened, exhausted and alone, and most importantly, there's no rope left - you've reached the end of your tether. Good Luck!
     
  9. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,454
    Ireland
    What Scarlett said.
    Just remember, and sorry to be so blunt, but in his delusions, your husband could kill you. Do you really want to leave him knowing that he did, in his more lucid moments? So it's not just for your sake that you need help. How do you think he'd cope if he, after killing you during one of these outbursts, then got the help he obviously needs, and realised what he'd done? And had to go on living with it for several more years?

    Get help for both your sakes. It's really not fair on either of you - it's like leaving someone with pneumonia, or some chronic illness, without treatment that would help them. I know it's different in that your husband will not be cured - but he could be a lot more comfortable and perhaps easier in himself. And you would be safer. Which is better for both of you.

    Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to. I put off getting respite for over 18 months. Foolish, foolish! But respite alone is not going to solve your problem - your husband needs assessment and medical intervention. And you need to be very clear with the doctors - and your sons - about what is happening and the danger. Take pics of the damage if need be.
     
  10. angiebails

    angiebails Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    227
    crewe
    He is taking respirodol for his hallucinations but I don't think they are really working to there full potential. I know from reading about them they don't like prescribing them and they say you shouldn't be on them for more than 12 weeks but I think he will be on them for ever. Since starting the donepezil as well he says he is feeling a lot better and his head is clearer to be honest I never get more than a couple of good days and I feel ill with the stress. I have asked his children for help but they don't want to know they go along with the idea there is nothing wrong with him. I told them he shouldn't be driving after crashing the car into a traffic island and after a 5 minute drive with him in the car they said he was ok. A week later he drove the car straight through the garage door. Luckily I wasn't there as I refused to go in the car with him. He says he won't drive again. So I want to sell his car before he try's to get in it again but he won't let it go. As you know there's no point pressing it as it will just cause more friction and upset. It's just continuous and I know everyone on here goes through the same but does anyone get a whole week where things
    are good. I don't know if I can last the course.


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  11. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    2,109
    hertfordshire
    Hi, so sorry you are going through this, as others have said you must seek help even if it is just a bit of respite or day care. I would be contacting Social Services and ask for an carers assessment for yourself and an assessment for your husband, you should not have to deal with this alone, perhaps you are at the stage where a care home may be the answer, especially if you are fearing for your safety. Make that call today and empathize how urgent your situation is, tell them you fear for your safety and are heading for carer breakdown, otherwise they will not treat your case as urgent. You must put yourself first as you are his main carer his sons clearly don't know how bad your situation is. Xx

    Ange
     
  12. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,566
    Female
    Scotland
    I would seriously consider cancelling the flights to Spain unless you are able to go there on your own. It is always more difficult to get help in a foreign country than at home. You would find it hard to explain to the police there the root cause of your husbands behaviour and if they sectioned him he would be in an institution with people he could not understand.

    You really need to get help with an assessment for your husband before it's too late.
     
  13. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Angie, if this isn't too personal a question, how long have you two been together?

    Reading carefully, he has sons and so do you.I think i'd simply point out to his son/s that their dad is at odds with your sons and that you are going to visit them for a few days. Point out that their father will need keeping an eye on while you are away....

    Let them see it for themselves. hey will soon see what is wrong with their father, maybe then they will support you in getting the help that both you and he desperately need.

    Please don't wait until it is too late.
     
  14. mabbs

    mabbs Registered User

    Dec 1, 2014
    238
    Lancashire
    Hi Angie, I would just like to say thinking of you, Scarlett always makes such sense, and all the others who have posted, make very valid points, I know this must be so hard for you, my children ( in their 40's) both worry about me, but dont always appreciate whats happening to their Dad, its so hard to accept that the person you love, for so many years, isnt the person he or she was, only you can ask for the help, please do, for your own safety and peace of mind. Everyone her on TP give such good advice and you know they care, but you need to speak to someone in person, please get help.
    Stay safe. mabbs
     
  15. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    4,013
    Essex
    Angie, I don't think you should take your husband on the plane. Supposing he flew into a rage mid flight?

    On a monetary level, would your insurance cover you for any damage?

    On a personal level you must keep yourself safe.

    Lin x
     
  16. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    I agree with this.

    This could be the 'urgent problem' that may help unlock some support. You need to go to Spain, your husband needs care in the UK.....please say this clearly to SS, your GP, consultant, or whoever you can most easily contact.

    We are all with you angieballs. Take care and stay safe

    Lindy xx
     
  17. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Right, sleeves rolled up, Scarlett is shooting straight from the hip. You won't go in the car with him, but some poor unsuspecting person might be on the other end of the bonnet if he misjudges. You need to "lose" the car keys. And you need to lose them fast.

    I'm sorry to heap more problems on your fragile shoulders, but could you live with yourself if he injured someone else, or worse, due to his misjudgements? Everybody, and I mean everybody, will say he's blameless, cos he's ill. All the accusations will fall at your feet.

    I hid John's keys, and mine, and when he raged and shouted and hated me, I took it, because the alternative was to risk him killing a child. It was damned rough, taking all the aggression but it would have been far, far worse, attending an inquest.

    I can't believe you're even thinking about taking him on a plane - I wouldn't risk it on a bus, but umpteen thousand feet in the air? You need a break, and he needs caring for in your absence. Please contact Social Services, or even the police, but all I can do is give you advice - I can't make you take it.
     
  18. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,338
    Female
    South coast
    You can report someone (anonymously) to DVLA - its on their website - and I strongly recommend that you do because then it wont be your fault that he cant drive
     
  19. Benrese

    Benrese Registered User

    Apr 12, 2014
    186
    Lancashire
    Oh your hands are full!

    The others have already given you golden information. The only thing I want to say to you is that I would be tormented for all time if I knew my Mum was suffering as you were and she had not told me in order to save me stress. I would be completely crushed and desperately hurt.

    I would rather know what was happening any day. Even if it was difficult, even if it caused me stress or a struggle. I LOVE my Mum, and I am sure your sons do too. Allow them to rise to the occasion as the men you raised them to be. You never, ever do anyone a favour by trying to "save" their feelings.

    As a daughter and a mother, please allow others to support you.

    x
     
  20. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    Just posting to say I agree with the previous posts. Angiebails, you sound exhausted, but please find the strength to get help - and to stop your husband from driving!

    Lindy xx
     

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