i have been with my husband all my life .i am 51 he is 72...and still ok ..12 points on the test ..but i have been on this road so long 11years that i am at rock bottom.i read a book called the yellow door and that lovely lady in the book is me ...even down to my hubby saying what are we doing to day ?is anybody else suffering like me ..i go swimming in the mornings ..hubby is ok to leave at the moment .but this morning i just stated crying and could not stop thankfully ..there were some girls there who put me back together ..i know im suffering bereavement and the loss of my soul mate and i wish always to do my very best for him ..but i need to live too and am suffering with guilt as well ...i have not taken a lover yet ..even thats too painful at the moment but i know i need some one ...it goes against all my beliefs....i have always thought i would cope but the loss is so great and i never thought it would be like this.i lost my mum in august due to alzheimer's as well and i know this has made all this worse . a friend asked me if losing my mum had made life abit easier ..and i told her no as i just have tony now .... am i aloan in being like this ? sometimes i just want to fly away ...