I am no longer living with the person I married

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by tonybrighton, Feb 24, 2015.

  1. tonybrighton

    tonybrighton Registered User

    Feb 24, 2015
    My wife and I have been married for almost 45 years but her dementia has changed her so much especially over the last year. Her memory is virtually non existent; just seconds sometimes. She knows who I am but can be so very nasty towards me even though I care for her and run the house and chores etc. It is so upsetting and lately I cry at the slightest thing. Although a qualified carer comes in for 45 minutes a day. I am on ant depressants myself due to my wife's condition. Is her behavior normal for her condition? It seems, from what I have read, that it is common behavior. Not sure how much longer I can continue but a home is the last place I would want her to go into. Any help or advice would be grateful. I am a Buddhist and my chanting helps me but...
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    I am no longer living with the person I married

    Me neither Tony, apparently according to my wife I'm here to look after her while her "husband" is working abroad. I hope I'm somewhere nice.
    At least I have the benefit of her rarely getting nasty, that must be hard to take on a regular basis, you have my sympathy there, but unfortunately I have no real advise other than to watch for the symptoms and try and deflect before it escalates, usually the signs here are she goes quite then start to argue with the people on the TV or radio then it's me next, I found putting on her favourite music helps sometimes.
  3. di65

    di65 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2013
    new zealand
    Me neither, and it is really hard. I have my first day of "me time" tomorrow, after the Needs Assessor arranged for a Daycare day for him, once a week from 9-4. I am really looking forward to it, but have yet to raise the subject with him.
    All I can say is - hang in there and bend someones ear about some respite days:)
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    None of us are or were.

    It was a personality change which made me wonder if our marriage was drawing to an end or if my husband was just becoming a grumpy old man. It was a miserable existence and the diagnosis six years later was almost a relief. At least I knew it wasn`t my fault.

    I was still living with the person I married but he was ill.
  5. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    You always spell it out so clearly Grannie G. My problem is I sometimes get the Maureen I married: at other times it is the Grumpy Old Woman. If only either of us had any say in the matter.
  6. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    At one time I also thought we were heading towards the divorce court. When Pete was officially diagnosed he was already moderate/low severe-but I was filled with pity for him (and me to be honest). Pete continued to be nasty, and violence showed, BUT I found it easier to cope with knowing that he couldn't help himself.

    Of course that doesn't compensate for losing our loved ones over time-it's heartbreaking and depressing.

    Tony, does your wife go to day care? Perhaps worth thinking about? It would give you a longer break as 45 minutes a day isn't very long.

    Take care

    Lyn T
  7. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    Well, at least you've found TP Tony - welcome!

    You can already see that others have a similar life. All I would say is that things do change, and not always for the worse. My wife Sue went through a mercifully brief period when she had many of the symptoms of advanced dementia and I could not imagine where either of us would be now if that had continued. She's now calm and relatively happy most of the time.

    But, when there are any changes that make life more difficult - as there are - I find that it takes a while to adjust to them. And if even small changes come thick and fast, it's not long before I feel I might sink. But then I adjust, find ways to cope and get back on an even keel - until the next time.

    I hope that you will find this but, if you do have to consider a care home placement you'll find members who have discovered that their worst fears were unfounded and life is more manageable for them and their loved one.

    I agree that you need to try to get more time to yourself, hard though that is to arrange.

    Do you feel that the anti-depressants are helping? If not, they may actually be contributing to your problems.

    Keep posting and reading. It really does help.
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Me too Grey Lad. It was like switching a light and I never found the trigger. You hit the nail on the head by saying neither of you had any say in the matter.

    All I can say is , for me, it did get better. Sadly it had to be when Dhiren was in residential care as his dementia progressed to another stage. I had four years of seeing him contented, pleased to see me , with all aggression, anxiety and animosity gone.

    I would never have believed it could happen.
  9. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello Tony brighton if you are new to talking point welcome, we are all in the same situation, some of us handle it better than others, having had a very happy and lovely marriage for 50yrs, my hubby has had AD for 8yrs, it is a very difficult road to ride, we all deal with it differently, l do try to agree as much as possible with what my hubby says when you know they are wrong its hard to agree but makes life easier, l do understand how you feel, we didn't expect this to happen when we took our vow's in sickness and in health, you need some respite days so you can have a break from 24/7 . Take care of yourself ♡♡♡
  10. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    Just popping in to offer my support too. I fought like mad to keep my husband at home. You don't give up after 50 years of a loving happy marriage. However, I have to admit, to my great shame, that life, although very strange, has become a lot more peaceful now that he is in an excellent CH, receiving very good care and my visits are usually a pleasure as I am now welcomed by my loving man. Others are dealing with the unpleasant parts of his life so I am no longer his enemy. Try to get your wife to a day centre if she will go. You should both benefit from it.
    Sent from my GT-N5110
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Please don`t feel shame Verity.

    You are both happier than you would be if you were caring single handedly and have quality time with each other instead of worn down stressful time .
  12. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    How perfectly put Sylvia.
  13. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    I knew something was going wrong for several years - also thought it was the marriage rather than dementia having found its insidious way into our relationship. Whenever I approached friends or my husband's family asking for advice or input I was told to look "inside" myself instead of trying to blame him! A lot of help that was at the time when no-one would accept there could be a problem called dementia. In retrospect I wish I had followed my instincts and maybe, just maybe I would have him home with me now - being able to care for him as I did through 45 years instead of this lonely life where every recent memory is still a knife in my heart

    What I am trying to say tonybrighton is that - yes, you lose the person you married but they are still the person you fell in love with so many years ago and still deserve loyalty, love and consideration. Follow your instincts and I am sure you and your Wife will make it through.

    Thinking of you both with loving thoughts WIFE
  14. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    Well said, WIFE.

    Sent from my GT-N5110
  15. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    I find your post hearbreaking WIFE, so much pain to carry. It reminds me a bit of when I always felt blamed because of the problems my daughter had at school. Turns out she had a specific learning disability, dyspraxia, which went undiagnosed until she was an adult. I'm so sorry you have lost your husband, I hope you will be able to find rest from blaming yourself that he is no longer with you. Much love, Es
  16. tonybrighton

    tonybrighton Registered User

    Feb 24, 2015

    Many thanks for all your comments and advice. I have been offered a week or two respite care but my wife flatly refuses to go She will not even go to a day center.
  17. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    This is where you have to make the decisions for her. Explain the doctor says you will be ill if you do not have a break or if it works better tell her she needs to convalesce. Come up with some way of persuading her but get yourself a break before you crack up.
  18. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    I agree with marionq.

    And if you cannot persuade her in some way then you must start to think seriously about other people looking after her, either part-time in your home or full-time in a care home.

    You cannot continue like this, can you?
  19. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    Hi Tony
    Like you, we have been married for almost 45 years. Is there anything that makes your wife happier. I think my husband is better if we go out somewhere in the day. Have you been to a memory cafe? You do need some sort of break for self preservation. I do hope you get something sorted.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  20. Amber 3

    Amber 3 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2015
    South Devon
    Hi Tony
    I have been married to my husband for 45 years and am in the same situation as you.
    It's such a difficult thing to cope with and I can understand you being tearful. TP is such a big help as the people on here REALLY understand what you are going through so please keep posting. Before my husband became ill I was a TAI CHI instructor but had to give it up to look after him. I am sure my background in TC has made me stronger than what I would have been without it, but even so I find it very difficult to see my husband turn in to someone so unrecognisable. Being a Buddhist you must find some peace with chanting, like meditation it's something positive in your life that you can hold on to.

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