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I am new to this - how do you deal with the stress ?

Lovemymumsomuch

Registered User
Jan 22, 2022
18
0
My 83 year old mum is type 2 diabetic with high blood pressure and a heavy smoker who still lives independently with a nurse home visit to administer her insulin.
Although not yet assessed - It has only been the last few months that I recognise that she is NOT being stubborn and lazy but I am now recognising all the signs of dementia. I now believe she has had this for some time. I am going to make an appointment monday for an assessment which is very hard in Covid times with short staff and everything else.

Since May last year I have had problems with not only my mum but her CARER who is mums friend. Between my mum and her carer friend I have been to hell and back and now back to square one as carer friend finished last Friday and although I am relieved to finally not have to deal with her. I am scared and facing this alone.

Last 2 weeks I have gone from not wanting to face the reality to becoming obsessed !
This has all taken a toll on my health and I am now suffering from night-time Asthma. Which is constant disturbed sleep with violent coughing fits which I believe is a result of the constant stress and anxiety I have been under.
I have to set up a video monitoring device where mum does not have to do anything or press any buttons, the video call is all completely controlled by me at MY home which is a 22 mile round trip from mums.

I was so relieved because my mum is also profoundly deaf and impossible to get hold of her on the telephone. So now it appears I solved one problem but created another. I can't stop checking on her ! Today I had to go and see her and was in a state of panic because seeing her this morning sitting in her chair alone and looked so vulnerable I just cried buckets.

I had bought her a new smart tv which now was a massive mistake, she of course could not operate it. My panic today was to get there and put her old tv back which is what I did. Mum was happier and so was I.
I just checked on her again (video camera) and she is sitting in her chair knitting. She has knitted all her life but now she can only muster a few rows gets agitated unwinds it and starts again - this is so good for her. I am so much happier tonight and fell asleep exhausted on the sofa.

I only joined this site today and feel so thankful to have found it. Been reading lots of posts and now having the much needed knowledge I needed.
I know its a long long road ahead. Mum is not eating, she is eating junk crisps and chocolate (she's diabetic) ! She is sleeping nearly all the time and just "existing".. its heartbreaking...
I feel so guilty for having bad thoughts - is it wrong to pray to God please take her now. I feel so selfish. I feel like my life is over. Is this normal. I am so scared with what I have to face and deal with.
How do you deal with your stress ? I am lucky to only work one day a week - But I have two aging pets (they were my mums pets) Milly Jack Russel is 14 and Katie cat is 18. I came home after being with mum for 4 hours to mess on the floor. It seems the world and everything is against me at the moment.
 

Acceber

Registered User
Oct 3, 2020
12
0
Hey. You’ll get lots of advice on this site. Do look after yourself. For me it helped to have a team of professionals to support and advise- dementia nurse, social worker, private social worker for all the things the social worker doesn’t tell you and solicitor for power of attorneys plus financial adviser. You can’t do it all alone. Think about who your team is and can be. Take care.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
3,053
0
North West
I don't think anyone can cope with being a lone carer in this situation as much as it hurts to think what the other options are. Even with dementia out of the picture it seems you have a lot to deal with and as a previous sole carer myself and knowing what you mean by the stress you feel which I felt excessively until it made so ill I had to seek treatment I think sooner rather than later you are going to have to think about alternatives, and no one wants that for their parents but if there is no one else you won't be able to cope with the next stages on your own -unless you are superman / superwoman. Clearly the memory clinic would be useful to help get a diagnosis but more importantly the pets won't be your main concern as this all gets much worse, and as much as it saddens me to say this as a sole carer you will hit a brick wall at some point, especially with advancing dementia.
 

Lovemymumsomuch

Registered User
Jan 22, 2022
18
0
Hey. You’ll get lots of advice on this site. Do look after yourself. For me it helped to have a team of professionals to support and advise- dementia nurse, social worker, private social worker for all the things the social worker doesn’t tell you and solicitor for power of attorneys plus financial adviser. You can’t do it all alone. Think about who your team is and can be. Take care.
I don't think anyone can cope with being a lone carer in this situation as much as it hurts to think what the other options are. Even with dementia out of the picture it seems you have a lot to deal with and as a previous sole carer myself and knowing what you mean by the stress you feel which I felt excessively until it made so ill I had to seek treatment I think sooner rather than later you are going to have to think about alternatives, and no one wants that for their parents but if there is no one else you won't be able to cope with the next stages on your own -unless you are superman / superwoman. Clearly the memory clinic would be useful to help get a diagnosis but more importantly the pets won't be your main concern as this all gets much worse, and as much as it saddens me to say this as a sole carer you will hit a brick wall at some point, especially with advancing dementia.
Hi Pale Rider... Thank you for your reply and advise...cannot tell you how much it is appreciated...yes Ive had a hard couple of months not only with my Mum but Carer as well - what a joke that is... She was a hindrance to say the least but mum was getting her daily pills and I put up with it and I suppose it was a case of the draw that broke the camels back...she was and still is not sure my mums friend - but she was paid good money to take on care instructions from me and I think that was the problem she didn't like me telling her what to do.. How I have got through that I don't know but it has made me ill and I am still suffering. I know I have to look after myself but its hard when there are so many things you have to consider. Like just now I just checked on mum again through the video and she is asleep again with the tv blearing away.. that tv will probably be on all night because I cannot remember it I changed the settings to shut off after 4 or 8 hours.. Her poor neighbours ! But Im going to bed and wonder why I cannot sleep worrying over things like this.
I am going it alone but hopefully not for long.
Thank you again.
 

Lovemymumsomuch

Registered User
Jan 22, 2022
18
0
Hey. You’ll get lots of advice on this site. Do look after yourself. For me it helped to have a team of professionals to support and advise- dementia nurse, social worker, private social worker for all the things the social worker doesn’t tell you and solicitor for power of attorneys plus financial adviser. You can’t do it all alone. Think about who your team is and can be. Take care.
Accebar, omg I didn't know that help was all out there.. I am wee bit concerned about power of attorney though because if mum middle stages dementia have I left it too late ? My mum has no assets anyway and any money she did have I paid into my savings account for her as was concerned and didn't trust her friend. I am her only relative and she lives in council accommodation so Im kinda thinking do I really need Power of Attorney ?
thank you for all advice.
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
284
0
Hello @Lovemymumsomuch .
Putting aside that fact that your mum has no assets. The reason that you do need Power of Attorney is that the local authority will take over any decisions that have to me made regarding her care etc.
You will have no say In what happens to her..